When we were going through our process of adopting Minnow I was questioned often about “why adoption?” “Why International and not domestic?”  “Why Ethiopia?” and so forth.  They are hard questions to answer.  Not because I didn’t know the answer but because, let’s be honest it really isn’t anyone’s business.  I never really considered asking one of my friends who was pregnant how they conceived?  Missionary?  IUI?  Donor Sperm? etc.  But adoption somehow opens up a window for people to ask why you decided on adoption. 

Well let me now be honest and forthright…

You might ask yourself what has brought this on.  Well in short I was interviewed today by an author who is writing an article on adoption choices and I had to be honest with someone other than my hubby for the first time.  It was easier than I thought and it made me realize that there are a lot of decisions that go into adoption and that those considering it can really learn something from my honest and the honesty that we in the adoption community share with each other in some safe forum.  People outside of the adoption community often do not understand all that goes into adoption, the choice, the feelings, etc. 

So here it goes…

“Why Adoption”
I have PCOS and because of this I do not ovulate on my own and this really hinders our chance to conceive as that sperm really really needs an egg and well, I just wasn’t and still am not producing any.  Thank goodness my hubby isn’t a farmer nor I a chicken as I would have been on the dinner table a long time ago.  We had gone through fertility treatments that run the gamut.  Our last treatments were six months of back to back IUI’s with injectable drugs.  None of those ended in a positive pregnancy test.  It was a horrible six months as I thought for sure we would get pregnant.  The odds were not in our favor.  We ended our treatments in early 2005.  I was angry.  I was depressed and I really felt that I would never know what it felt like to be a mother. At this point I believed that in order to fully understand parenthood and motherhood I needed to carry the child. 

This does not by any means mean that I felt as though we settled for adoption.  But until you have been there in that moment when you realize that the one thing you should be able to do–make a baby–is not a reality for you.  I never once thought that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and give my husband a child.  I knew then how important it was to my hubby to have a child to carry on his genes.  It still is important to him, but he has reconciled the fact that it might not happen–we have both examined our genes on both sides and are able to joke that maybe a bio child is not really a good idea…It is okay to laugh about infertility.  That I have learned.  It is a must to laugh.  Take the humor where you can find it, as it does help to ease the slow breaking of the heart and spirit. 

We also always knew that we would adopt.  We knew we wanted 4 kids and that we would more than likely adopt after we had bio children to round out our family.  It was something I felt strongly about.  Don’t ask me why.  I don’t know.  I just always have.  The idea of adopting as always been a part of who I am.  It is interesting to think about that now…But it is true.  So, we decided that we wanted to be parents more than anything else in the world and we knew that we wanted to be parents yesterday; therefore, adoption seemed the logical choice for us. 

“Why International and Not Domestic?”
This was not an easy decision.  Nothing about adopting is easy.  It isn’t just filing out some papers and waiting.  The decisions you have to make an the questions you have to be willing to ask yourself are hard.  Harder than most decisions one has to make while pregnant.  Not to minimize those difficult decisions pregnant women are faced with.  But in general the questions surround adoption are difficult because you have to expose you own bias, limits and desires.  And you have to share them with strangers. 

We did consider domestic adoption.  We knew that when we adopted we would be open to ethnicity.  We didn’t need children that had the same Anglo genetic make up that we did.  We looked at programs designed for the place of African-American and mixed ethnicity children.  Many of them required a Christian family.  We subscribe to general Christian values but are by no means a religious family.  So this cut out many of the adoption agencies.  I also had to admit that the idea of open adoption scared the hell out of me.  I was still dealing with emotional heartache that is infertility and I felt like a failure as a woman.  I hid my feelings for a long time, but adoption and the decisions we had to make made me face them. 

I could not do an open adoption.  I was not capable nor willing to share my child and the experience of raising my baby with another woman.  At least not a tangible woman.  I did not want an open adoption.  I did not think I could handle an open adoption.  I would not consider for a second doing an open adoption.  Well, as those of you who have adopted know or who have researched adoption know that it is nearly impossible these days to have a closed domestic adoption.  Again, don’t get me wrong I think this is great. I just knew that for me and where I was emotionally and as a woman I could not share my child with another woman.  I didn’t think it would be fair to the child to have him/her put in a situation where they knew I was uncomfortable with the arrangement.  My child deserves for me to be the best mom I can be and I didn’t think that I could do that with an open adoption.  Having never been a parent before and wanting to be more than anything in the world, we sometimes forget what is best for us will be best for our children.  I had to go with my gut. 

Another consideration was the idea of the birth-parents changing their mind.  After month after month of failed pregnancy tests and month after month of being injected with hormones and poked and prodded, I had to admit that I could not deal with a failed adoption.  I could not think we were going to have a baby and have the birth parents change their mind. I was not up to handling that.  It would have pushed me over the edge.  I was not willing to take the risk.  I couldn’t do that to myself.  I couldn’t go through with it  A child was what I wanted more than anything in the world.  I needed to know that in the end we would have a child. 

These are the major reasons we choose international adoption.  I know now being the mom of a baby that I could stand some sort of parental contact.  I am confident enough in my love for my son and in his love and attachment to me that I could do a semi-open adoption.  I could meet the birth parents and I could exchange letters and pictures.  I also know that I could not share contact.  I don’t think I could do visitation.  I just couldn’t and I don’t think that makes me a bad mom or a bad woman.  It just makes me honest.  I commend all the families that do do it and do it well.  I just couldn’t.  If I tried my child would know and feel my discomfort and I wouldn’t want that to touch him and his development of self….

More later.  My emotions are tired.