I was listening to Dan Savage on Tell Me More on NPR talk about his project-It does get better project on youtube

I cried for the families who have lost children who felt that as  teens nothing in life was worth living for.  I cried for the parents who try to help their children but don’t know how and can’t get in.  I cried for a society that values one group over another.  I cried for the regret they dead carry into the afterlife.  I cried for my children who will experience discrimination that I cannot even pretend to understand.

I cried tears of joy that I was not a statistic.  I had a dark period in high school that stemmed from a date rape incident (at the time way back in the 80’s this wasn’t a term).  I was alone and put on a brave front, but inside I was slowly dying. I didn’t think I could talk to my parents, I didn’t know what to say to my friends or how to say it.  I didn’t want to be whispered about.  I turned to alcohol and dangerous sexual encounters to try to fill the whole that was my self-esteem and self-worth.  I was lost.  I wrote dark (and bad) poetry about death and not wanting to live.  I shared that and I had a friend who helped me.  I don’t remember any more what she said to me, but I know it took death off the table.

I was certainly not fixed or whole at this point, but I knew in that moment that even if I didn’t know how to value or love myself, someone else did.  That is what got me through.  You can’t fix the despair, heartache, loneliness or self-hatred that someone feels, but you can show them they are lovable and valued.  Sometimes that is enough.  It does get better. Not right away and sometimes not for a long time. It took me nearly 13 years to recover from my date rape incident and I still don’t love myself as much as I could.  I still don’t have the confidence in myself the way I should.  But it is better.

Today, in my car, I cried.  Tears of sadness, love and hope.  I have hope.