I am on the job market.

And it sucks.

I am excited about the prospects I have and I am excited about potentially making the shift from high school English to middle school English. There is also an Experiential Learning job I am interviewing for today that has me really excited.

But that excitement is so short lived.

It has been a while since I have had to look for a job and know that I MUST get one. My family has become accustomed to food, clothes, electricity, etc. It isn’t that dire really. My husband is the bread winner–but we need 2 incomes like most families in America.

The job search is slowing breaking my spirit. I know it shouldn’t. I know I am an amazing teacher and that I just need to find the right fit. But rejection sucks. The going back over “why” am I not moving on. It feels an awful lot like “why doesn’t he like me?”

I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t move on in the process of my very first interview. I was nervous and made the mistake of being succinct in place of selling myself. I didn’t use all of my time wisely.  So, I learned. I got better with each interview—I think.

I have had 9 first interviews. Of those 9, I secured 3 second interviews and was notified by a 4th that I was not moving on.

Of these second interviews:

1. I was notified that for 1–big city public district that I was moved into the recommended for hire pool.  This means that a building principal can select me for a building level interview. Still more waiting and possible rejection.
2. I was notified by another that I am not moving on in the process. I was one of 4 candidates brought in for the 2nd round.
3. Second interview is set up for first week of April

I am still waiting to hear back from 4. I know that I will not hear back from at least 3 of them until the first week of April.

But this is hard. It is hard because you don’t know what it is that made them decide to pass you over. Was it that I didn’t use the right words? Did I not explain something as clearly as I could? Do I sound too ambitious, too pleasing, too pushy? Was it given to an internal candidate and you were just part of the process? Was it really just not a good fit? Was it that your outfit wasn’t exactly right? Were they looking for someone with less experience? Were they looking for someone less socially activist?

And we never know.  We never get the answers to these questions. We just have to go on to the next interview and hope that something different happens. We just have to stop second guessing and be ourselves and be authentic.

That for me is the hardest part–not the being authentic (full disclosure–that is partly why I am looking for a new job. I had to be me and know that where I was wasn’t a fit). It’s the accepting that maybe my authentic self isn’t appreciated or understood.  That no matter my experience, my education, my dedication to student, I am not what they are looking for.

How do I accept that?