Author: Dawn Kasal-Finley

Standing Out

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

It has been a long time since I felt like people were staring at our family.

In our city, there are lots of families that look like ours and in our daily life, our family doesn’t stand out anymore.  No one seems to pay us any attention–which is good because my children are usually making farting noises or singing completely inappropriate songs.  So–being nothing to look at is good.

This past weekend we went to Myrtle Beach for our annual family vacation.  I was excited as I had never been there and boy do they have a lot to do. It’s like Orlando, but with out the overpriced theme parks.  We could have stayed another 2-3 days and still not done everything the kids or we wanted to do.

The hotel we stayed at was huge and packed.  It was also packed with lots of white families and lots of black families and only one family like ours.  We might not have been the only family like ours (in my defense, I didn’t see another family like ours all 5 days we were there and out), but we were certainly were not a frequently viewed family makeup.

I will say that the looks we got weren’t mean or dirty, in any way.  But they were clearly curious.  I had several black kids (about 8-10-years-old) ask me “are you their mom.”

“Yes” I would respond.

The responses from them varied–“cool,”  “oh.”

I got lots of comments from other black moms on Zoë and her hair–they were all positive so that was really nice.  It amazes me how many more people of color I get to interact with because of my kids.  I love it and it makes me sad that I might not otherwise interact so easily with people who are different from me.

***************************************

Another thing that stood out (not to me) was the number of black families.  One of my brother’s commented on how great it was to see so many happy black families.  This struck me.  Why was that odd?  But it is to people who live rather sheltered lives.  Especially in our city that is very segregated.  We certainly don’t see any on TV.  I know that in my city the only time we see black families on the news usually has to do with tragedy and heartache and crime.

How sad is that?  It makes me think that I need to make sure my kids are exposed to more positive images of blackness and family.  I want to make sure that they feel good about their skin color and the perceptions people have about what that means.  It reminds me that even though our president is Black, the rhetoric and media images of minorities still perpetuate images that are mostly negative.  This isn’t right–this isn’t reality.

I don’t know how we change that.  I thought we were on to something in the 80’s with The Cosby Show and A Different World, and then Damien Wayans had a show.  But then what?  Nothing.  Really, we have one or two shows and then networks say “okay–glad that is done.”  Just like with the election of our first Black President, people were so quick to claim that “racism is over.”  Racism is so much more than one elected president and one or two positive and successful shows about black families.

Racism is how we portray and treat people every day.  Racism is giving a group their own TV channels and then keeping anything else remotely minority focused off network television.  Racism is hiring one black newscaster but running 8 lead stories that feature black or other minority criminals and two stories about some amazing thing a white person did.

We have so far to go.

 

Whose America

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I only watched a few minutes of Romney’s speech. Not because I didn’t want to, but I’m currently on a family vacation and was busy playing yatzee with my mom and son (that makes it sound like I’m super old and boring–but it was fun). So I re-watched some this am on C-Span. I am a social liberal and a democrat. But, I think it is important to hear from everyone. I think it is important to be a critical consumer and not just be ruled by my party affiliation, but by the facts/issues.

All of this is to really say, I started to listen to Mitt’s speech with an open-mind. That didn’t last long.

Four years ago, I know that many Americans felt a fresh excitement about the possibilities of a new president. That president was not the choice of our party but Americans always come together after elections. We are a good and generous people who are united by so much more than what divides us.

Really? This begs the question-what America is he talking about? America couldn’t be more divided. Does he not know about the Tea Party? Or the Birthers? I am 41 and pay pretty close attention to the rhetoric from both parties–but the rhetoric from the right had been anything but harmonious. the left isn’t innocent–but for the past 4-years the anti-Obama rhetoric has been atrocious.

When that hard fought election was over, when the yard signs came down and the television commercials finally came off the air, Americans were eager to go back to work, to live our lives the way Americans always have – optimistic and positive and confident in the future.

What America does he refer to? Certainly not the on where members of the military plot against their commander-in-chief. Where the president’s birth is constantly under scrutiny. Where the financial crisis, caused by Wall Street and de-regulation, is blamed on the current President. The rhetoric of the right has been anything but optimistic. The right has been nothing if not negative over the past four years. President Obama was certainly not given the benefit of any tiny bit of support from the right. There are too many examples of this and this isn’t what bothered me the most–it just reinforced that Romney is either out of touch or doesn’t understand what coming together means. Rubio commented on the amount of golf President Obama has played and actually called him a “bad President.” Yep we have totally come together.

That very optimism is uniquely American.

It is what brought us to America. We are a nation of immigrants. We are the children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren of the ones who wanted a better life, the driven ones, the ones who woke up at night hearing that voice telling them that life in that place called America could be better.

“What brought us to America”–really? Who? Oh yeah–wealthy white people. That’s right it’s the white people. This bothers me, not just as the mother of black children, but as an American who truly believes that ALL people are equal, not just those who look like those who rode on a boat, by choice, to America. What about those brought in the cargo holds of boats? Those who truly build much of America? What about those who aren’t rich?

This really really bothered me. Words mean something. What someone says is so important. I might be accused of reading between the lines or reading too much into these simple words. But I ask that you read these words carefully. These words clearly illustrate who matters to the GOP and it isn’t those who were brought to America in chains. It isn’t those who challenge the patriarchal structure in place. It isn’t those who demand true equality. He also threw the Cubans into this group (he’s hoping Rubio helps get him some of the Hispanic vote)–not the Mexicans. If you brave the oceans between Cuba and America to seek a better life–great, we welcome you. If you sneak across the border–tough shit, you are unwelcome and here to take our jobs and resources.

They came not just in pursuit of the riches of this world but for the richness of this life.

Freedom.

Freedom of religion.

Freedom to speak their mind.

Freedom to build a life.

And yes, freedom to build a business. With their own hands.

This is the essence of the American experience.

Freedom of religion? Yep. Especially, if you area Muslim. I’m sure they feel totally free. Yep. Freedom to build a life. Those with chronic illness like, Erin who the Affordable Care Act has helped, I’m sure feel free knowing Romney and the right want to take that away without hearing (or caring) about their stories, their realities. Freedom to build a life–so many African American child are relegated to failing urban education systems that ensures to keep their unemployment rate in double digits in our urban centers. Yep-Freedom.

So, I ask–What America does Romney and the GOP represent and live in? Because it isn’t in mine.

In Which Her Dad’s Head Explodes

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

Zoë has boyfriends.  Yes that is boyfriend with an “s”.  As in more than one boyfriend.  We hear her on the phone pretend talking to them:

“Hello boyfriend.” in a sing-songy voice.

Every time she does that, I can feel Bill’s head begin to swell.  He isn’t prepared for it to start this early (or at all–let’s be honest, what father is ever ready for his little girl to like a boy?).  She is only 4.

The other night at dinner she was talking about her boyfriend and talking about how she was playing with him at recess.

“Playing with him or following him around?” I asked.  Because I know how girls operate and I know Zoë and how she operates.  I also know that we are totally in for trouble as she gets older.

“Playing I think.  We chased Eva.”

“Sounds fun.”

“I asked Finnegan (a different boy than she calls “boyfriend”) to marry me.”

At this point, I thought Bill was going to just pass out.  He surmises that he has the ability to handle 8 years of this boy stuff with his little princess.  And at this rate, he’ll be completely unable to cope by the time she is 12.  Poor guy. He has no idea what he is in for.  Well, maybe he does have some idea and that is why he is beginning to freak out a little.

“Zoë, you don’t ask the boy–you wait for him to ask you.”  Bill explained, clearly uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going.  I am pretty sure that he would have rather been talking about ANYTHING but this.

“Well, that’s dumb.  But he said no.” she said while giggling (she is channeling some serious pre-teen/teen girlie traits).

Just hearing her pretending to talk to her boyfriend on the phone and her ability to mimic what she surely will sound like as a teenager is amazing to me–she doesn’t have older siblings to have learned this from–she doesn’t watch “regular” tv, so that isn’t informing her pretend choices–she is simply expressing herself and it scares the shit out of me.  I can’t even fathom what the next decade (and beyond) is going to hold.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the universe is going to pay me back in spades for what I did as a teenage girl and I am not looking forward to that.  I don’t know if Bill can survive it.  Zoë might simply be locked in her room until she is 30.

The Son

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

August 21, 2006

I still remember this day–as though it was yesterday.  It was heart-wrenching.  It was both happy and sad.  We go to meet our son for the first time–but by looking at his frail, lithe, sick little body, we weren’t sure he’d be coming home with it.  Shortly after this picture was taken, we rode with him and many other children to see a doctor–who sadly was gone for the rest of the day.  We then drove to another doctor.  After that visit, we were taken back to Wanna and then we had to take Noah back to the hospital.  I remember walking down the hall with him and being so scared that we were leaving him there.  A hospital in a developing nation is a hard place to leave your child.  I knew his nanny would be with him and would watch him all night, but it was so hard.  He stayed in the hospital the next day–we didn’t get to see him as we had to go to immigration and take care of other logistics.  The next day Bill and I got to see him and visit another doctor and then Bill and I refused to take him back to the hospital.  We just couldn’t.  We knew that if we took him with us and loved him and gave him everything we could, that he would be okay.  It was a risk we had to take.

August 21, 2012

Today we (as were in 2006) are so pleased we took that risk.  He has grown and blossomed into an incredible kid, person, friend, brother and son.  He started first grade–I can’t believe it.  I hate to be cliche–but time goes so fast.  His spirit is amazing and to watch his personality develop continues to be amazing.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also the most rewarding.

This morning is the early morning hours, Noah and I sat on the couch.  I held him close in my lap and kissed his head and told him that 6 years ago, half-way around the world, I got to hold him just like this for the first time.  We talked about how he was sick and why we celebrate Noah day on August 23rd and not August 21.  We decided in Ethiopia we would celebrate the day that we became his parents–the day we stuck out necks out and took a risk for our son.  The day we were his advocate.  That is the day that made us a family.  That is the day we celebrate.  We talked about how he was lucky to be at Wanna being cared for, because if he hadn’t been–he probably would not have survived.  We talked about how not having access to clean water is really sad and that getting medicine isn’t easy.  He thinks its sad that they can’t just go to Target and get the medicine they need.  I assured him that I think it’s sad too.  Every child, every parent should have access to the simplest things in life and water is one of them. Medicine is another.

I hope these are lessons that my children carry with them and I hope it informs the adults they grow into and influences their actions.

Young Love Zoë Style

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

There is never a dull moment with a child like Zoë.  She had me laughing so hard in the car today.  She has something and was talking about why it was special.

“My boyfriend gave it to me.”  says my adorable 4-YEAR-OLD

“Your who?”

“My boyfriend.”

“Who is your boyfriend?”

“Lucian” and the smile on her face when she said it was ridiculous. 

“Is he in your camp?”

“No my school. He is going to be in Kindergarten.”

“Do you LOVE him.” I teased her.

“Yes.”

“Does he love you?”

“Not so much.  But I love him.”

So it starts.  Look out world.  Look out Dad.