84-Months-Old

April 22, 2013 / Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Noah,

~~Yesterday (last Sunday)~~ Three weeks ago you turned 7. Seven. SEVEN. I don’t know how in the world that is possible. How did you grown so fast? It seems like just yesterday you were a little 10 pound, 4-month-old fighting for your life. And now…

You are an amazing little man. You have always been an extrovert and a pretty active kid. Your activity level only continues to grow as you do. You would be happy outside playing ball (football, soccer, baseball, basketball) all day and night if someone was out there with you–watching or playing with you. You would prefer playing with someone. I was a kid who loved playing with others but I also enjoyed being alone. You, on the other hand, absolutely hate being alone and it is like torture for you to be told to play on your own (I totally know that you NEED a big brother–sorry that isn’t going to happen).

You have made some great friendships and you are a sought after friend. You have made some connections that are strong and I know that you will be friends with many of these kids for a very long time. You are a social kid and you play with whomever wants to play what you want (mostly sports–kickball is a favorite at school). I worry about this sometimes as it is so important to be able to negotiate relationships and compromise. I know you’ll figure it out as you make friends everywhere you go and are quick to form bonds. I, as an adult, could learn a lot from you in this regard. It should be about having friends who like to do the same things you do and it is important to surround yourself with people who like you and respect your needs and wants. I think you are certainly learning that now and I hope these lessons follow you throughout your life.

You love to have fun. You laugh as much as you cry. You are emotional and you experience all of life’s emotions with a deepness that both exhilarates and worries me. Your smile still lights up my entire being. I can’t be upset or sad or depressed when you (and your sister) are happy and laughing and/or smiling. There is such a spirit to you. Being your mother is pretty awesome. There are moments when your emotions overwhelm you and then the meltdown happens. You meltdown and I get irritated (sorry–you can work that out in therapy as an adult). You have an incredible sense of fairness and you have a hard time understanding this when you perceive they aren’t fair. It’s a struggle for you as it is for you dad and I as your parents. I promise we are doing the best we can, but sometimes life isn’t fair and there is no way to fix that.

You love school and learning. You are 100% present and engaged in your life and it is so beautiful to see that. You still have several moments of wonder each day and learning something new excites you. Your want to try everything and are relatively fearless. You are getting ready to experience your first right of passage with your first grade campout at school–where you and two other 7-year-olds have to set up your own tent, carry all your own gear, rock climb, etc. It’s your first real independent experience and I think you’ll come back a changed little boy. You’ll be more confident and more comfortable with those unexpected moments.

I still can’t believe that you are SEVEN. But I can say these seven years have been amazing. I look forward to what the upcoming year brings because watching you grow is such a gift.

Love you,

Mom

The Good Moments

March 29, 2013 / Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

Parenting is hard. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise–they are either not parents, lying, or drunk. I certainly didn’t go into this parenting thing with rose colored classes–I mean I taught high school for years. I know what I signed up for. So, the hard doesn’t surprise me. It’s the good that surprises me. It’s those amazing moments–some small and some big–that make my heart want to explode and wraps me in a blanket of warmth and happiness that is unmatched by anything else.

I took Noah on his first “date” ~~yesterday~~ Wednesday. Just writing that makes me smile and laugh a little as I know he would be so embarrassed to know I called it a “date.” It was just 2 friends hanging out. But the cuteness. Sorry Noah, somethings just aren’t going to be ‘private.’

Noah’s birthday is on Sunday (which happens to also be Easter–my minimalist parenting will really be stretched having to execute both Easter for the two kids and making the day Special for Noah) and instead of a huge class party he is having a sleepover. He is having 3 boys over and wanted to have Sophie over too. I was not opposed to a co-ed sleepover but I didn’t think one girl would work as the dynamics would be different. Noah understood that.

So, I suggested that maybe we set up a day for he and Sophie to do something together. Noah and Sophie have been super close friends since the first day of preschool. They remain close and really enjoy hanging out together. Noah was excited and he decided that a movie would be good and he wanted to do it after school. The stars all aligned and we were able to pick a day that worked and both kids were excited.

They were sitting next to each other on the steps at school as I drove up. I made eye-contact with Noah and he smile and told Sophie “My mom’s here!” They pile in and Sophie gives Noah his birthday card. They laugh and giggle and talk about Paul Frank (it was a Paul Frank card) and who likes Paul Frank and who has Paul Frank stuff (it was cute–on Thursday Noah had to wear his Paul Frank shirt to school to show Sophie).

As I drove to the movie theater, I tried to soak in the moment. Listening to Noah joke and be the kid he is with his friends is something that I only get a taste of. It reminds me that as his parent, I will only see a portion of who my child becomes. Who he is with his friends will be different than who he is at home. While the two are very much the same person, what I see will be limited. Being able to eavesdrop on him with his friend assures me that he is a good kid and quite a little jokester.

The movie theater has an arcade and we were a few minutes early–so Noah asked if they could bowl at the tiny pin bowling alleys in the arcade. So they bowled a couple games and then spied the photobooth and took pictures together (reminds me of jr. high–the cuteness level was off the charts).

After the movie we went to dinner and again with the adorableness. They sat next to each other and oh goodness.

The good moments happen more than I notice. I need to notice more.

Reclaimed

March 19, 2013 / Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

I have been struggling with this space. I find myself wanting to share less about my kids as they are getting older and many of what I could share could later be too personal. That and I hate to say–but my kids are pretty boring. I mean they are awesome and cute, but I can’t just write over and over about my struggles with my daughter who is so stubborn that she reminds me of me. I am trying to cherish the moments with my family and kids. I know it’s fleeting (Noah will be 7 in less than 2 weeks–OMG). But I don’t need to write about them. That isn’t cathartic for me anymore. It isn’t where I am in my own personal journey. I started blogging during my advanced struggles with infertility and our adoption journey. This space has always been for me.

I lost track of that somewhere along the way. My writing suffered for it, as have I. I need to reclaim this space and use it for me. I need to own it and not worry about anything else.

To be able to reclaim this space I have to define what this space is to me. It’s mine and it’s about me and my own struggles as a woman, wife, and mother. It’s about embracing (and facing) my own imperfection.

So, as this space is a place for me to grow, explore and log, that is what I am going to do. I have never been shy about my struggles with weight and health. I have a defeatist attitude about losing weight and being healthy. I do a lot of self-sabotage. I will admit I am afraid of failing (probably why I haven’t put the effort into my dissertation that I need to). I have tried to lose weight and get healthy. And I have had moments of success–I say moments because it doesn’t last long. I get complacent and eat ice cream and then a cookie, and then pizza, and then more ice cream. It’s a vicious cycle and the more crap I eat the more crap I crave.

Part of my battle is learning to manage my PCOS. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. I have to stop making excuses about being too busy or too tired and make sure that I am eating what my body needs. Having PCOS affects everything and I need to know that just eating less and moving more isn’t going to be a long term solution for me and it won’t help alleviate the symptoms of PCOS and that is something that needs to happen.

I think part of my struggle is that I don’t want to have to explain myself to everyone. Why aren’t you having wine? Why aren’t you having this or that? I don’t want it to be an issue. I don’t want to have to listen to what worked for someone else (who isn’t a 40ish woman with PCOS). I just don’t. My journey is different than yours and theirs. It is my own journey that I have to take in my own way. It has to be okay for me to have a separate meal. It has to be okay for me to say no I don’t eat that. I need to be okay with that. Sometimes I am not.

I want to run a 5k. I am putting it out there. I have said it before only half meaning it. But I do really mean it. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I have to set the goal, do the training and do it. It isn’t an option and I am going to do it this year on Father’s Day.

This space is going to become me documenting my journey to health. My acceptance of my imperfection. Which happens a lot–like getting mad at Zoë this morning for taking 15 minutes to get socks and shoes one.

Today is a new day and I am not going to get mad at myself for eating some swedish fish and 1/2 a cookie yesterday. Today is a new day and I’m going to make the right choice. This morning I did some yoga and a core workout. It was a small step (about 20 minutes total) but it is more than I have done in months.

It’s a journey and I am so happy to have this space to document the victories, bumps, and struggles.

Depleted

March 12, 2013 / Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

I’m feeling rather uninspired these days. I am super busy at work, coupled with uncertainty about my job and what it might be or look like in coming months.

I’ve been looking for other jobs, but the job I want isn’t easy to come by and applying for the jobs I want take a really long time and I don’t have the time to dedicated to creating an amazing application packet.

The jobs also require that I finish my dissertation and I’m a bit paralyzed by that thought and add to that I don’t know what is going to happen with my job, all I’m managing to be great at is drinking wine and eating a lot of really crappy food which in turns make me feel like crap.

Other than that, things are good. Kids are keeping us busy with their activities–or maybe we are keeping them busy.

I wish I had more mental energy to write a better post, but I don’t.

So, here are some pics of the kids from a weekend or so ago.

Insanity

February 27, 2013 / Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

These photos sum up how crazy my life/world feels right now. There is employment uncertainty, the realization that my son will be 7, and a big tax bill to pay.

Hoping it all settles down soon.