Adjustment

Transition

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Transitions are hard.  Transitions are exciting.  Transitions make you question every decision you have every made.

I am preparing for a major transition.  I am returning to the classroom.  I will be teaching high school English in the fall at an all boys catholic high school (that is all the details you’ll get).  I haven’t taught high school since July of 2006.  That is a long time ago (7 years if anyone is counting).

I am excited.  I am nervous.  I am anxious.  I am scared to death.

My teacher friends have assured me that it is just like riding a bike.  I am not so sure that I agree.  Not only has it been 7 years since I have taught, it has also been 7 years since I have written a lesson plan.  And, if I am honest, I have to acknowledge that I am not getting back on the same bike.  All of my high school teaching experience has been urban.  I am not teaching in a relatively affluent high school with an extremely rigorous academic program.

I’m going to be teaching novels, etc that I haven’t read or thought much about in 7 or more years.   I have 9 weeks before I stand in front of the room before 25+ eager students.  I have a lot of preparation to do.  It’s a bit like being back in graduate school and reading a novel a week.

I have been fighting the pull to return to the classroom for years and am excited that I have this amazing opportunity to return.

 

Clearing Up Confusion

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

Many of you only know me through my blog–some I have met in person and adore, but for the most part many of you don’t know me and my many idiosyncrasies.  Husband and I are perpetual thinkers and we often think out loud and make pseudo-decisions that we then re-think and make different pseudo-decisions and re-think those before we both really voice what we want and end up making a final decision. 

Just months after were were home with Zoë, I couldn’t imagine not having another baby.  I was certain–at that moment–that I wanted another baby.  We talked about adopting another baby and about IVF.  We “decided” to try IVF in the fall of 09 and then if that didn’t work we would adopt another baby from Ethiopia.  

We have continued to discuss our desire for more children and what that looks like for us.  I long to go back to work and I am busy with my PhD program.  Parenting infants is hard and private school is expensive.  But, I am not willing to say that my family is complete.  It is complete for now. 

I know that my flip-flopping is hard to keep up with sometimes.  I also know it is frustrating–I certainly get frustrated with my conflicting wants and desires.  I also know that just because we decided not to adopt any more babies–that baby who might have been ours will be adopted by the family that was meant to have him/her.  We are so blesssed with the two children we have right now.  They are amazing and fit seamlessly into our family. 

We are complete for now.

Nearing The End Of My Rope

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 13 Comments

Zoë won’t sleep.  She fights it and I am running on fumes and those fumes are quickly evaporating.  I am lucky on a typical day if she naps for 90 minutes–all day.  She is going to be one in a few days and I know she needs more sleep. I know I do.  She has been up at night the past few nights for at least 2 hours.  She is tired but doesn’t want to sleep–she cries and cries and cries.  I hold her and she cries.  I lay her down and she cries.  She is yet sleeping through the night–we are going on 4 months with barely a full night of sleep–wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have two active children all day who don’t nap at the same times.   I am lucky that Noah is still is a good napper–he wakes in the middle of the night occasionally but goes back to sleep rather quickly. 

I am at a loss for ways to help her become a better sleeper.  Part of that is I have no patience left.  I am tense and very quick to frustration and anger.  She napped this afternoon for about 40 minutes and woke up crabby and cried for quite some time. She started rubbing her eyes and so I put her back to bed–she has been crying and I just can’t deal with it.  I am no longer going to be embarrassed or ashamed that I am at my wits end.  That I don’t know what to do. That I can’t handle the not sleeping. That I am struggling with the crying and the refusal to go to sleep.  I need some help.  I need some advice.  I need somethings that I can try.  Because this has to end before I lose it. 

Learning The Limits

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

That is the kids are pushing limits.  Noah has begun to push the limits and test my resolve at thing like nap and bedtime.  He is also flexing his own independence.  Hence, I have been relegated to the floor during our bedtime book reading, while Noah “reads” the book.  When I try and interject anything, “No Mom, Noah reading the book.”  Okay.  How quickly they no longer seem to need us for those things we once thoroughly enjoyed.  I loved snuggling up with Noah and reading a book or three and then putting him to bed.  Now–I sit on the floor, not allowed to read and I put him in bed and all he does is whine.  I know he just wants to see what he can get away with.  How far he can push his bedtime back.  How long mom will lay on the floor in his room while he pretends to fall asleep. 

Zoë on the other hand is pushing all the limits as she learns to do more things.  Like pull all the clea laundry out of the basket and scream with rapt abandon while she does it.  She has learned to climb up the stairs and if the gate is left open for a split second she is crawling up as fast as she can.  It is crazy.  She is close to walking, but seems content to crawl and cruise.  I use to think she would be walking any day now.  I am currently pretty sure that she won’t crawl for another month or so. 

Parenting babies is hard.  I am worn out and to be quite frank burnt out.  It’s not much different than teacher burn-out.  I give 100% of myself to my kids all day long and then again at night and then again on the weekend.  I really am living out the movie Groundhog Day.  It’s the same over and over.  I know this phase will pass.  I am looking forward to Zoë becoming a little more independent.  I am so ready to go back to work and hope that come the spring I will have a full-time job for the next year.  I am ready.  I owe to myself and my kids.  I’ll be happier when I am working outside of the home.  I often feel guilty that I cannot wait to go back to work.  I know a lot of mom’s who have to work for monetary reasons–not because, like me, they go insane staying home–and would love to be able to stay home.  I am at my ropes end and it is time. 

Parenting has taught me so much about myself.  I use to think that I might go back to work and attempt to get certified at the elementary level–no way is all I have to say to that.  I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but there is a reason I teach high school and college.   I have reached my baby parenting limit.  Hubby and I are going to adopt again, but we are going to wait 4 more years and then adopt a young sibling group–between the ages 6 and 2.  We are excited about this prospect as I don’t feel that my family is complete but I do feel that I have gotten to have the baby experience and I am kinda done with that.   I have reached my limit. 

Just a few pics of the kids from the weekend….

Sanity Is Making A Comeback

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

We are starting to get some sleep.  I love sleep.  Who knew how good it could make you feel.  Drumroll please……………………………

Zoë slept through the night last night.  I know.  I can hardly believe it.  I woke up about 4 am and freaked out wondering if she had woke and I didn’t hear her–highly unlikely as the baby monitor is up pretty loud since I am the only one home.  She slept until 6:30am.  Which is awesome.  I, of course, wish she would have slept in a little more, but Noah was up at that time too, so we all got up.  I was hoping that she would final understand the value of uninterrupted sleep soon and had only woke up once the previous night. 

I know not to count my chickens before they hatch, but I am pretty confident that consistent sleeping through the night cannot be too far off.  I hope to not jinx myself by posting this momentus occasion, but I must share with you all my pure joy at a night without having to trapse upstairs. 

Victory dance may now commence.