I Have Never Loved The Letter F More

We were just notified that Peeper’s case has been submitted to court as part of group F.  For those of you who didn’t use my agency or for those of you who aren’t familiar with Ethiopian adoptions–cases (at least in our agency) are submitted to the Ethiopian Courts in groups.  The actual court date is usally about 4-6 weeks after the cases have been submitted.  Once your court date comes your adoption gets approved (sometimes the cases don’t pass on the first time–could be paperwork issue–our first adoption our case failed the first time) and Peepers is legally ours.  We were also asked this time if there was a specific birth date we wanted given to Peepers.  This was new to me–as with Minnow his birth date was known–this isn’t common with babies.  We know that she was about 3 1/2 months old when we received her referral–I was tempted to make her younger because she is so small–but Minnow was small too and he is doing just fine now.  We wanted to pick a date that would be in line with what the agencies guesstimate was.  We’ll see if they can get the date we choose on her birth certificate and passport.  Oh–we choose 11/11/07.  The date doesn’t have any significance–I wish there was an important date in our lives in November, so we went with a date we thought was nice. 

Well, it shouldn’t be long now.  I am guessing (as all of us adopting parents do–obsessively I must add) that our court date will be early to mid-may and that we will travel in early June.  I am hoping to have her home in time for father’s day. 

In honor of her case being filed in court.  Here is a picture of the mural in her room.  In the three center ballons–her name is spelled out.  For those of you who know it–you can then visualize how cute it is…The letters are done in patterns that match her crib bedding…it’s cute and girlie–but not too girlie as I am not a girlie girl. 

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Hidden Differences–The 800lb Gorilla In My Mind

I often don’t publicly ruminate on my infertile status.  I am still hopeful that I will be able to get pregnant with huge amounts of medical intervention–even at my fast advancing age.  I certainly know that I am running out of time.  Julia at I Won’t Fear Love wrote a post that touched me deep down in my real feelings about being infertile and about my relations with those who are also mothers…

I am a mother and nothing changes that.  Minnow is my son and now Peepers will soon be my child (in my heart she already is but legally will come soon).  Yet, being an adoptive mother is different.  Not logistically and not when it comes to loving our children–I couldn’t love Minnow any more.  He is my world.  He is my everything.  I am pretty sure that all parents feel that way.  Minnow really is a miracle. 

But, I was not pregnant.  I don’t know what labor is like.  I don’t know what it feels like to have your child grow in your belly and kick and move.  I don’t know what it is like to push and push and push and to have my face be the first one my child sees.  I don’t know what it feels like to watch my child grow from conception to delivery and from a newborn to an infant.  I don’t know what it is like to recover from birth and how it feels to struggle with breastfeeding.  I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant.  I don’t know what it feels like to give birth. 

All of these things separate me from other mothers.  Not externally but internally and that is way more painful than anything I can imagine.  There are many conversations that I cannot participate in.  This makes me an outsider.  No one I know makes me feel this way–it is just what it is.  I often joke about not having to gain weight and go through labor and have my ankles swell and all those other physical things that come with pregnancy.  But I do it because it hurts that I don’t know those things.  It hurts that I cannot (up to this point) get pregnant and create a life.  What a gift it is to be able to create a person. 

I find myself constantly talking about undergoing IVF in the fall and I talk about it as though its a good thing. But it isn’t.  It sucks.  To be injected 2-3 times a day for 14 or so days with each shot costing anywhere between $75-$125.  Being monitored with vaginal ultrasounds checking your ovaries for growth.  Hoping you respond well but not to well to the medication.  Hoping, stressing, praying, dreaming, fearing what might or might not happen.  There is nothing fun or good about infertility and the treatments for it. 

I am genuinely able to be happy for my friends who get pregnant.  I don’t begrudge them this miracle.  It gives me hope that miracles happen, but it makes me acutely aware that I am different.  Different is not always good. 

The First Wait Is Over

We got our referral this afternoon.  It is an amazing feeling.  Our little girl is approximately 3 1/2 months old and is elegible to have her case in court after March 15th.  This means that we could travel as soon as the end of May.  From her on out she shall be known Peepers.  For those of you who have seen her picture can attest to the brightness and hugeness of her eyes.  We are very excited and cannot wait to be able to bring her home. 

I will keep you all posted. She is a little bitty thing at 1 month old she was only 20 inches and weighed in at a weight of 6.6 lbs.  that was of course a little over 2 months ago, so I am sure she is slightly bigger than that now. 

I will post a picture of her when I can–after her case clears court.  Just take my word for it that she is gorgeous. 

Impatience + Winter Blahs = Eating

Well yesterday was day number 252 that we have been waiting for a referral.  I really thought that we would have our referral already.  I am sad that we don’t.  Really sad.  I know that we should be hearing soon.  But I just don’t know what soon is.  Our agency director is back and I thought for sure we would have heard already about our referral.  It makes me slightly anxious to be waiting and knowing that it is forth coming. 

I am slowly getting frustrated at the wait.  I know it is no ones fault.  There is no one to blame that we are having to wait but my feelings are what they are.  I then in turn feel guilty that I am waiting for a child to be given up by their birth parent(s).  That I am hoping for this to happen.  How messed up is that?  I mean really.  Adoption is for more difficult emotionally once you start really thinking about it than I can imagine pregnancy to be.  I can only add to my family because another family cannot stay together.  That is so sad. 

To the birthmother of my little daughter (an my already adopted son), I am so sorry for the tragedy in your life that has made you choose adoption.  I can only imagine how hard the choice was for you.  It is a brave choice.  It is a choice that I wish didn’t have to be made. Please know that your child will be loved and will be reminded of his beginnings and will be taught to honor you through our own example of honoring you.  You have given us the greatest gift anyone could give another person.  You have given us the gift of life.  We will be forever grateful for this gift.  There are no words to properly express our feelings for you.  But know that we love you and will teach and encourage our children to love you as well. 

To compound on these feelings of frustration and sadness the come with the adoption process, winter is kicking my ass.  I am so very tired of winter.  It was snowing again this morning–just flurries and they are gone now–but it is cloudy and cold again.  This winter has been hard because not only has it been cold but it has been without sunshine for a great majority of the time.  I don’t mind the cold, but what I can’t stand is the cold and the cloudy. I am having some serious winter blues.  I am so ready for spring.  I am thinking that I just might go back to San Diego until the sun decides to take up residence here again. 

To make matters worse, I am getting a bit of a cold–so I don’t have the energy or drive to work out and when I am feeling down–well I eat.  I eat cookies, brownies, bread…all the shit that makes me feel bloated and like crap.  So, I feel worse but I can’t seem to stop myself, because I am too sad and frustrated to care.  OMG.  Just let me have some sunshine and my referral already….

So Cal What Are You Doing To Me?

We are here in San Diego.  Where it is suppose to warm and and balmy.  Yesterday (the day we had planned to go the wild animal park) it decided to give us winds (20 mph), rain (lots of rain) and cool weather (40’s).  Really.  I flew from the midwest to enjoy the sun…I didn’t see the sun yesterday until about 5:30 pm yesterday.  It was beautiful when the sun decided to poke itself out…

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We met Hayat and her family last night briefly.  She is a doll and just as cute as can be.  Her parents are pretty awesome too, as is her big sister.  It was nice to finally meet–even though I feel like I knew them already.  We are going to meet the other families today.  The kids were awesomely cute together