I held you for the first time. It was a magical moment and our life has never been the same.
One year ago
One year later
I can’t remember what our life was like without you Zoë. You have completed this portion of our family. You fit in seamlessly. I love you.
I have wanted to get a new tatoo since we got Noah’s referral. I wanted it to be special and reflect my love and gratitude for Ethiopia. Here it is.
I posted here today…check it out and leave a comment on how you honor your mother or your child’s birthmother.
Many of you only know me through my blog–some I have met in person and adore, but for the most part many of you don’t know me and my many idiosyncrasies. Husband and I are perpetual thinkers and we often think out loud and make pseudo-decisions that we then re-think and make different pseudo-decisions and re-think those before we both really voice what we want and end up making a final decision.
Just months after were were home with Zoë, I couldn’t imagine not having another baby. I was certain–at that moment–that I wanted another baby. We talked about adopting another baby and about IVF. We “decided” to try IVF in the fall of 09 and then if that didn’t work we would adopt another baby from Ethiopia.
We have continued to discuss our desire for more children and what that looks like for us. I long to go back to work and I am busy with my PhD program. Parenting infants is hard and private school is expensive. But, I am not willing to say that my family is complete. It is complete for now.
I know that my flip-flopping is hard to keep up with sometimes. I also know it is frustrating–I certainly get frustrated with my conflicting wants and desires. I also know that just because we decided not to adopt any more babies–that baby who might have been ours will be adopted by the family that was meant to have him/her. We are so blesssed with the two children we have right now. They are amazing and fit seamlessly into our family.
We are complete for now.
I am surrounded by babies and people having babies. It doesn’t bother me. I am really happy for all of families bringing new children into the world and their families. I have long ago dealt with my infertility. I no longer feel a tug when I see a pregnant woman. I no longer ache when I see a new mother leave the hospital with their just days old baby. Organizing baby clothes to sell no longer makes me feel as though I am losing something.
I know I have posted before about our desire to expand our family. And this is still true. I long for a bigger family. I dream of a bigger family. I have nightmares about more babies. I know this sounds weird, but I have to admit that my least favorite part of child rearing so far has been the baby stage. I love my kids and I love them so very completely but if I would be perfectly happy to not have to mother another baby. Am I the only one?
Recently, I was at my cousin’s wedding shower and and she had her 6 week old baby girl there. Everyone was passing her around and I was lucky enough to be at the shower sans children. My aunts looked to me and asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I thought for a second and kindly said “No.” I didn’t want to hold the baby. I had not one bit of desire to hold the baby.
I am in such a weird space right now with the whole mom thing. Not a question for a second about being a mom. But questioning if it makes me a bad mom to not like babies? I know that might sound weird but, I really don’t have the desire to have or adopt more babies. I am comforted by the fact that my husband feels the same way. We plan to adopt an young sibling group when Noah is 5 or 6. We want to keep him as the oldest. I am excited about our plans for expanding our family and am pleased that it doesn’t involve monts and months of feedings every 2-3 hours. I know that adopting “older” children has its own problems and issues, but I feel much more equipped to deal with those and more willing to deal with those than with what a baby brings to the mix.
How much my thinking has changed simply by experiencing motherhood.
Embracing Imperfection 