Infertility

I Am Shrinking And Other Randomness

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

I am officially down 22. 2lbs in just over 4 months.  Working out with my trainer 2 days a week and working hard at eating healthy and watching my calorie intake has also helped.  I hate to post about it, as I have done in the past.  Because I continually have failed in the past at keeping weight off and on reaching my long term goal.  But I am happy and proud and feel like I really am on the right track and will be at my goal weight before my 39th birthday–August 31, 2010.  I have 89.2lbs to go.  I know it is a long road and I am up for the challenge.  It has taken me a while to find a plan/way of eating that works with my super busy schedule.  I work during the day and then I have class at night–this coming semester I will have class on M/T/W nights from 5:30-8:10 and I will have to figure out how to have dinner and have it be a healthy dinner w/out having to eat out on the way–Panera and Whole Food’s hot bar are my eating on the go places of choice.

I am committed to sticking with it.  I know it is what I need to do to not only fell happier w/ myself but also what I need to do to be a healthy example for my children.  As more and more kids in this country are overweight and obese, I want to make sure that I am leading by example for my children.  I am happy that my kids will go to a school where healthy food is the norm and parents are expected to pack healthy lunches for their kids–there isn’t a cafeteria.  Parents are expected to bring in healthy snacks when it is their week for snacks.

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Babies, babies, babies are everywhere.  My cousin just had a baby and she is a doll.  I got to see her and hold her when she was all of about 12 hours old.  It really got my baby desires going.  Oh…the miracle of birth amazes me and I have moments when I am so overwrought with sadness that I have not had the opportunity/ability to gestate and grow a baby in my womb.  The ache doesn’t last long–or maybe it just dulls and I am able to ignore it–but I have moments when I want nothing more than to pregnant and push a baby out of my girlie parts.  But then, my son wakes me up at 3 am just so I can take him back to bed and I wake up a few hours later so tired that it’s to hard to even make oatmeal and I think.  Why did I wait so long to have kids?

I don’t regret the time hubby and I spent enjoying life and our marriage, but now that I am old–in terms of fertility, I wish we had started earlier–much earlier.  Because then I could have more of these…

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But now I am just too tired…

Clearing Up Confusion

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

Many of you only know me through my blog–some I have met in person and adore, but for the most part many of you don’t know me and my many idiosyncrasies.  Husband and I are perpetual thinkers and we often think out loud and make pseudo-decisions that we then re-think and make different pseudo-decisions and re-think those before we both really voice what we want and end up making a final decision. 

Just months after were were home with Zoë, I couldn’t imagine not having another baby.  I was certain–at that moment–that I wanted another baby.  We talked about adopting another baby and about IVF.  We “decided” to try IVF in the fall of 09 and then if that didn’t work we would adopt another baby from Ethiopia.  

We have continued to discuss our desire for more children and what that looks like for us.  I long to go back to work and I am busy with my PhD program.  Parenting infants is hard and private school is expensive.  But, I am not willing to say that my family is complete.  It is complete for now. 

I know that my flip-flopping is hard to keep up with sometimes.  I also know it is frustrating–I certainly get frustrated with my conflicting wants and desires.  I also know that just because we decided not to adopt any more babies–that baby who might have been ours will be adopted by the family that was meant to have him/her.  We are so blesssed with the two children we have right now.  They are amazing and fit seamlessly into our family. 

We are complete for now.

That Damn Media

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

I have posted about this whole “octo-mom” thing.  I admit I was judgemental.  I’ll say it.  I was and we all have been.  There is a great momversation about it and the whole judging mothers thing that all of us like to do.  It’s natural but really isn’t all that productive.  Rebecca really made me think about it from a different perspective and I appreciate that. 

I blame the media for so much of what is happening.  Again, these are all real people involved and we don’t know what the outcome of this is going to be for those innocent children.  It is awful that they have to have their young life invaded by media speculation and world-wide judgement of their mother.  That just sucks. 

Hubby and I had decided that we were going to do IVF this fall.  All of this media circus surrounding Ms. Suleman and her babies has caused my husband great pause about undergoing IVF.  Part of him thinks we should be happy and feel blessed with the children we have.  I agree to some point.  I know our situation is different as we are infertile and Ms. Suleman was/is not–she is just single and that is something very different.  Our cases are not parallel in any way.  But we have to wonder if there will be a backlash against those of us who do conceive through IVF.  Will it all of a sudden be something we don’t talk about anymore?  That would suck. 

We talked about it and have decided to pursue it–because we want more children and we would like to exhaust all avenues attempting to create a biological child.  We also plan to adopt if we cannot conceive a biological child.  We know what we want and I know it isn’t 8 kids at once (or at all for that matter).  And, I’ll continue to talk about our avenues for creating the family we want.

Hidden Differences–The 800lb Gorilla In My Mind

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 5 Comments

I often don’t publicly ruminate on my infertile status.  I am still hopeful that I will be able to get pregnant with huge amounts of medical intervention–even at my fast advancing age.  I certainly know that I am running out of time.  Julia at I Won’t Fear Love wrote a post that touched me deep down in my real feelings about being infertile and about my relations with those who are also mothers…

I am a mother and nothing changes that.  Minnow is my son and now Peepers will soon be my child (in my heart she already is but legally will come soon).  Yet, being an adoptive mother is different.  Not logistically and not when it comes to loving our children–I couldn’t love Minnow any more.  He is my world.  He is my everything.  I am pretty sure that all parents feel that way.  Minnow really is a miracle. 

But, I was not pregnant.  I don’t know what labor is like.  I don’t know what it feels like to have your child grow in your belly and kick and move.  I don’t know what it is like to push and push and push and to have my face be the first one my child sees.  I don’t know what it feels like to watch my child grow from conception to delivery and from a newborn to an infant.  I don’t know what it is like to recover from birth and how it feels to struggle with breastfeeding.  I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant.  I don’t know what it feels like to give birth. 

All of these things separate me from other mothers.  Not externally but internally and that is way more painful than anything I can imagine.  There are many conversations that I cannot participate in.  This makes me an outsider.  No one I know makes me feel this way–it is just what it is.  I often joke about not having to gain weight and go through labor and have my ankles swell and all those other physical things that come with pregnancy.  But I do it because it hurts that I don’t know those things.  It hurts that I cannot (up to this point) get pregnant and create a life.  What a gift it is to be able to create a person. 

I find myself constantly talking about undergoing IVF in the fall and I talk about it as though its a good thing. But it isn’t.  It sucks.  To be injected 2-3 times a day for 14 or so days with each shot costing anywhere between $75-$125.  Being monitored with vaginal ultrasounds checking your ovaries for growth.  Hoping you respond well but not to well to the medication.  Hoping, stressing, praying, dreaming, fearing what might or might not happen.  There is nothing fun or good about infertility and the treatments for it. 

I am genuinely able to be happy for my friends who get pregnant.  I don’t begrudge them this miracle.  It gives me hope that miracles happen, but it makes me acutely aware that I am different.  Different is not always good. 

A New Semester and Maybe A New Chapter

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 8 Comments

Winter break is officially over.  I start back as a teacher today and as a student.  I am happy to be teaching one class again this semester.  It is of course a new class, so I have a lot of preparing to do, as I can’t really use what I did last semester.  Not that I would want to, as I was just trying to survive last semester.  I am exciting about the upcoming semester.  I am going to be doing some fun things with my students and hope to really get them thinking and interacting.  Last semester, the class I taught was soooooooo boring and not a great class.  I applaud those who stuck out the entire semester.  I certainly didn’t want to.  I was able last semester to have a great assignment that made me construct a unit of study for the class I am teaching (I could have done any class, but since I am teaching I wanted the assignment to be something that I could use).  It is a great course idea and after talking to my  supervisor, I am excited to know that my classroom is my classroom and to go for it.  YEAH!!!

Well, this week our agencies will be giving out referrals of the babies that they have in their care.  I am of course hoping that we get our referral this week (but am not counting on it).  But what I am really looking forward to is moving up the list and knowing that we are that much closer to getting to meet (even if virtually) our little girl. 

We have also decided that we are going to undergo IVF this fall.  I am excited and nervous about that.  I am committed to losing 40-60lbs before we undergo IVF.  I know that is a tall order, but I am committed and once I commit to something, I am pretty tenacious about it.  I want very badly to have a brood of children.  We will adopt that brood without any regrets and will enjoy our large family.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to get pregnant (at least once) and have a biological child.  I would also be lying if I didn’t say that I have come to terms with my infertility and I am just as happy to adopt all of my children.  It has taken some time to get to this place and I have to say that I love where I am at. 

I have made no resolutions this year except for one.  I want to be a better person.  I am going to do better.  I am going to be better.  So far so good.