Infertility

Thankful Post Three or Day 21

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

It is very humbling to sit and think about all the things you are thankful for and the reasons why you are thankful for them.  And how much larger some of these things are than my little somewhat insignificant self.  Today my thanks goes a long way–half way around the world from where I sit right now. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to be Minnow’s mom. 

creation-station.JPG

He is the light of my life.  I was angry for a long time that I was infertile.  Nothing we tried worked (we will attempt IVF this summer/fall).  I felt like a failure as a woman.  It was my job as a woman to bring forth child and I couldn’t.  I won’t get into those feelings as this is a post about thanks.  I now understand why I have been cursed/blessed with infertility.  I was meant/destined to be Minnow’s mom.  I cannot imagine for even a nanosecond another child being mine.  Minnow is a part of me in every way a child is a part of their parent.  I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on him that he was my son.  I loved him instantly and the love has only grown stronger and deeper each moment he is my son.  I am thankful that I could not conceive because if we did we would not have Minnow. 

For those of you who have never met Minnow–which is the majority of you–he is an amazing little boy.  He lights up a room when he enters and his smile is genuine, deep, and embodies his very amazing spirit.  He is strong-willed and loving.  He is special.  He has changed our lives for the better and for that I will be forever grateful. 

I am also grateful to Ethiopia for opening its doors to those of us across the globe who want to desperately to be parents and have chosen adoption or whose only hope of parenthood is adoption.  I am forever grateful to Ethiopia for giving us our son. 

I am thankful (and sad) beyond words that Minnow’s birthmom has allowed for us to raise this child.  I feel so strongly that we were meant to be his parents and because of that I must also feel that Minnow’s mom really had no other choice but to give him up.  I do not know her circumstances but I am no longer guilty at being grateful that she was courageous enough to give Minnow to us.  I think of her often and I hope that she can feel deep in her heart and soul that Minnow is very loved and is a very special boy.  Thank you MA.  We love you and are very grateful for you. 

I am thankful that I am a mom.  I am thankful that being a mom has helped me better understand my parents as well as hubby’s parents.  Parenthood is awesome.  Parenthood cannot be taken for granted as we don’t know how long we have with those we love.  Minnow knows his birth mom loved him–he is so giving of love.  I know this is only because he has been loved since the day he was born–probably even before. 

 Thank you….

Adoption Is Not Charity or Day 7

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 6 Comments

Please let me start by reminding folks that I am an adoptive parent.  I have one son adopted from Ethiopia–home over a year and am in process of adopting a daughter from Ethiopia.  Please let me also say that these are only my views and opinions and are in no way judgements of others.  It is an exploration of my own views, motives and comfort level.  Adoption is beautiful.  Without it I would not be a parent. 

Now with that said.  November is Adoption Awareness Month.  I think it is time that we in the adoption community set forth to change the social perceptions of adoption.  Adoption is not about charity.  Adoption is not about rescuing a child.  Adoption is not about the latest social trend.  Adoption is about building families.  I did not adopt my son because I saw a child in need.  I adopted my son because I wanted to be a mother and for whatever “bigger than me” reason I cannot conceive my own child.  I wanted a child.  My act was once of selfishness not in anyway selfless.  We need to change the perception and those first comments “Your son is so lucky.”  “His life will be so much better here.”  “It is a great thing you did giving a child a home.”  “I hope he realizes one day how lucky he is.”  My comment to each one of these is that we are the lucky ones.  I am lucky that adoption exists.  My son is unlucky that our world is such that he was unable to stay with the woman who loved and nurtured him in her womb for 9 months.  My son is unlucky that he will not be raised in his birth country by people of the same beliefs and origins.  My son lost something tremendous through this process and no one ever thinks about that when they think about adoption. 

Adoption has a dark side and it is time that we as adoptive parents start talking about that.  We must help others see that our children have lost something–some of them have lost things far more than they have gained.  Once we admit and face these facts head on we can help our children heal.  Adoption is about loss and sadness as much as it is about beginnings and happiness.  I know that there are people who adopt because they feel that they are saving a child.  I have to wonder if that is the way they really feel, or if that is the socially acceptable way to talk about it when you already have biological children.  I know people have a hard time understanding adoption if it has never touched their lives.  But there must be away to change the perception that Adoption is Charity.  I don’t want my son growing up with that type of perception hanging over him. 

I know some of this perception comes from adoption fundraising.  I am not saying that people shouldn’t fundraise for their adoptions.  We all do what we need and what we are comfortable doing.  (No judgements here). It is something that I am not comfortable doing…as I wouldn’t have fundraised for my fertility treatments and I see the two as the same.  I wouldn’t ask for input to naturally have children and I didn’t ask for input for our decision to adopt.  We traditionally fundraise in our society for charities or politicians.  Fundraising to add to our families sends a message that I don’t think is especially helpful.  I do think that we can change the perceptions of adoption without putting a halt to fundraising. 

I don’t know how to change these overarching perceptions and preconceived notions that society has, but I believe it must be done.  I believe that an open and honest dialogue is the way to go.  I don’t want my son to feel like he needs to be grateful that we brought him into our family.  In order for this to be true, society has to believe it.  It is a big task, but I believe it has to happen.  It has to happen for the children.  They deserve to feel what they feel without being judged for those feelings.  They need to search and grieve, and resent (if need be) without feeling guilty that they owe us something more than any kid should be made to feel he/she owes his or her own parents. 

Suggestions??????

Finally…The Reveal Part Deux

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

Having chosen international adoption over domestic for the reason detailed in The Reveal we needed to chose a country.  This was more difficult than I could have imagined.  For a number of reasons, one being that I have a really hard time making up my mind.  I always have and I always tend to question why I have made a life-changing decision.  We went back and forth for months–we decided to start the adoption process in April of 2005–we decided on Ethiopia in September 2005.  It took a long time.  I had packets of info from hundreds of agencies in regards to hundreds of programs.  Our top choices were, in no particular order Guatemala, Ethiopia, Taiwan, and Nepal. 

We wanted to adopt from a country whose culture and history we were interested in.  We felt strongly that we should feel some excitement and desire to want to learn about our child’s birth country.  That was one of the most important factors for us.  We also looked closely at each country and felt strongly about the way the children were cared for.  We knew we did want to adopt from a country with huge government run institutionalized care.  We wanted to adopt from a country where the children are cared for and raised in smaller settings with more personal care than was offered in those countries with large country run orphanages.  Guatemala was a first choice because of the care the children get.  They are raised by foster mothers from the time they are relinquished.  I also had the option/choice/ability to foster my own child once we were referred a child.  That was an appealing option.  But we decided against Guatemala as the process was getting a little longer and to be honest it was very costly and I didn’t and still don’t like the fact that nearly all of the money paid was paid to attorneys.  Nepal was another choice that was a fit for us.  Nepal requires that couples adopting be married 5 years (I think) and be infertile.  It was a perfect fit for us. But then there was some turmoil politically in Nepal and there was talk of their adoption program being closed, etc.  This was not something we wanted to deal with.  We also didn’t want to wait an incredibly long time for a referral.  We were looking into how long each country’s process was taking at the point we were deciding as well as cost and governmental factors as all impact the adoption process.  This ruled out Taiwan as their wait times were getting to be longer by the day. 

This left us with Ethiopia–which ironically had been our first choice when we first started discussing international adoption.  But we decided we should look at all of our choices, but we wound up where we started and we knew there was something to that.  Hubby and I are both interested in Evolution Theory and have a background in Anthropology–it is what my husband’s degree is in.  Ethiopia has such a rich history and not just as an African nation but as a region and as a people.  We knew it was a place we wanted to learn more about and a place we would want to visit over and over again.  We felt this was important as we want and plan to take our children to their birth country as often as possible once they are old enough to understand and feel their connection to it. 

We have one beautiful Ethiopian born son and there is no doubt that he was born to be our son.  We are currently waiting for a beautiful Ethiopian born daughter…Adoption is difficult.  Infertility sucks.  But I am thankful for the infertility and for adoption because those two things together gave me my son.  And he is MY SON.