Life

Shame And Self-Preservation

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Liz’s post really spoke to me this morning.  I am heart-sick about what has happened and is happening in Japan.  But, I’ll admit freely here–I can’t watch it.  I haven’t watched the news in days.  I quickly scroll down on the front page of the NY Times.  It’s not that I don’t care and can’t be bothered–it’s that I don’t have the emotional or intellectual capacity at this point to pay attention.  I think back to 9/11 and how all encompassing it was.  Then Hurricane Katrina and then Haiti and the tsunami in Indonesia and so on.  Tragedy after tragedy.

Then I think about what is happening in Ethiopian adoptions (which I haven’t had the capacity to write about) and it’s all too overwhelming for me right now.  I am overwhelmed by my own life.  Does that make me uncaring?  No.  Does that make me selfish? No.  But I feel shame that I haven’t paid more attention.  That I haven’t given money.  That I can’t give money.  That I can’t pay attention.  I am just trying to hold my own shit together as I finish this damn PhD, raise my kids and keep my marriage healthy.  I feel for those suffering.  I wish they did not have to suffer and I can’t watch them do it.  What emotional energy I have, I need to save for those close to me who lives I do affect.

I am sorry for your tragedy Japan.  I wish I had more to give you than my sympathy.

Oh Old Friend, I Missed You

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I have fallen back in love with my crock-pot.  I know there are some of you who just stopped breathing for a minute, wondering how someone as busy as me, forgot about her crock-pot.  I know it’s crazy, but it was always “too much trouble” before.  Oh how wrong I was.

Since our recent financial issues–owing the IRS a few arms and legs and our recent commitment to living on a cash only basis–we have been eating at home every night.  EVERY. NIGHT.  We have made it all month with one splurge on a recent date night–we ordered pizza from our local pizza place and picked it up ($17 bucks for the best pizza ever) and a stop at our local frozen custard (HEAVEN).  One of the things that has helped with this has been the crock-pot.  For the past 5 or 6 Sundays I have made something in there, that give us left overs for lunch for almost the entire week.  I can’t believe that I let this amazing and easy appliance, toil in my dark urban basement.

I’ve made Turkey chili–which was amazing, beef stew–also great, pulled pork (so good),  turkey soup, machaca and pulled pork again (that’s how much we liked it).  My life has gotten just a little easier and less stressful.  We are also all eating healthier and aren’t spending money eating out.

So ladies, what are your favorite crock-pot recipes/dishes?

Today, In My Car, I Cried

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I was listening to Dan Savage on Tell Me More on NPR talk about his project-It does get better project on youtube

I cried for the families who have lost children who felt that as  teens nothing in life was worth living for.  I cried for the parents who try to help their children but don’t know how and can’t get in.  I cried for a society that values one group over another.  I cried for the regret they dead carry into the afterlife.  I cried for my children who will experience discrimination that I cannot even pretend to understand.

I cried tears of joy that I was not a statistic.  I had a dark period in high school that stemmed from a date rape incident (at the time way back in the 80’s this wasn’t a term).  I was alone and put on a brave front, but inside I was slowly dying. I didn’t think I could talk to my parents, I didn’t know what to say to my friends or how to say it.  I didn’t want to be whispered about.  I turned to alcohol and dangerous sexual encounters to try to fill the whole that was my self-esteem and self-worth.  I was lost.  I wrote dark (and bad) poetry about death and not wanting to live.  I shared that and I had a friend who helped me.  I don’t remember any more what she said to me, but I know it took death off the table.

I was certainly not fixed or whole at this point, but I knew in that moment that even if I didn’t know how to value or love myself, someone else did.  That is what got me through.  You can’t fix the despair, heartache, loneliness or self-hatred that someone feels, but you can show them they are lovable and valued.  Sometimes that is enough.  It does get better. Not right away and sometimes not for a long time. It took me nearly 13 years to recover from my date rape incident and I still don’t love myself as much as I could.  I still don’t have the confidence in myself the way I should.  But it is better.

Today, in my car, I cried.  Tears of sadness, love and hope.  I have hope.

468 Months Old (+2 days)

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Wow.  Not sure where the past 39 years and 2 days have gone.  Time just escapes me.  Okay, so I’m being a bit melodramatic.  But I’m 39 and get to be.

I am not sure that I am where I expected to be at 39.  I have done nothing in my life traditionally.  I didn’t go to college out of high school.  I didn’t choose my career until I was 30 and didn’t even begin to work in that field until I was 31.  I then only worked for 4 years and then stayed home with my son and then my daughter.  I have been in school the entire span of my 3rd decade of life and will be in school until I enter my 4th decade.  I never imagined this would be the path my life would take.  No one expected my life to be immersed in academia.  It still surprises my family when I talk about what I am studying (currently that is critical discourse analysis) and they wonder out loud if this is the girl they knew.

I guess that is the beauty of getting older.  I’m not the girl they knew.  The woman I am today was shaped by that girl, but she smashed through arbitrarily placed boundaries and has forged her own path.  A path that I am so happy I took.  It lead me to my husband, my children, and my career.  I wouldn’t go back and do it differently.  There is nothing in my life I’d like to change (well I’d like to be debt free–these student loans and the whole mortgage thing really get in a girls way of having a good time).  I am who I am inspite of what people expected of me.  I am who I am because of age and for that–I am happy to be 39.

This last year of my 30’s is going to be great.  I am going to finally get in shape and drop all the weight  I want to drop.  I am holding myself to that.  I owe it to my kids and myself to be in the best shape I can.  I am going to finally finish school–I won’t take any more classes after I am 40.  I’ll still be enrolled in school, but I won’t be a student.  I can’t wait for that.  So, here’s to my 30’s…you have been very very good to me.  I promise to pay it back and forward.

One Of The Lucky Ones

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 4 Comments

It really is true what they say.  There really are 6 applicants for every job opening out there.  I have been lucky enough to turn my part-time job into a full-time job.  But it isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Because I work at a public university, we had to advertise the position even though the job is mine.  We only advertised by one mass email and we had 8 applicants including myself.  I feel bad but it really hit home for me how bad the job market is.  This isn’t a glamorous job with big pay.  It’s an administrative job with lots of emailing, report writing, and data analyzing.  It is a job that has no real option for upward mobility, but it is a job at a university.  That alone opens other doors for future advancement.  I feel bad for those 7 people who won’t be getting my job.  I understand something that I didn’t before.  It really is tough out there in the job market.  I have been really fortunate all my life to have jobs when I wanted them and to have never been out of work (knocking on all the wood I can find).  But there are so many people out there who are educated and cannot find work and those who are less educated and  cannot find work.

I do know how lucky I am to have a secure job and be married to a man who has a secure job.  Our kids don’t want for anything they need (there are plenty of things they want), our mortgage is easily paid and we have extra for vacations and the unnecessary things in life.  So many of the people who are out of work aren’t out of work because they are lazy or don’t want to be bothered to look for a job, but because the job market is so tight that everyone is fighting over the few jobs there are.  Companies are filling their vacant jobs, they are asking their employees to work harder for slightly higher wages, but giving a few employees who are picking up the slack a few extra bucks is a lot cheaper than hiring another employee who needs benefits, etc.

I hope that someday it all bounces back and that most people who want a job can find one that pays well and allows them to provided for themselves and their families.  I know that we will always have a certain number of people out of work, but I hope that soon it gets better.  I certainly appreciate the opportunities I have.