Motherhood

Haters Abound

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

By now, there are very few people on the planet–or at least in the mommy blogger world I often live–who haven’t heard that the Duggars are expecting their 20th child.  The mom is my husbands age.  The idea of a 20th child gives me absolute nightmares.  NIGHTMARES.  I am happy with my two children.  Would I have “had” more if I were younger?  Absolutely.  But I’m not.  I’m 40 and that last thing I want is more little butts to wipe and people in my bed.

But that is me.  That is my choice.  I am slightly irritated by the sheer amount of criticism that has be waged at the Duggars for their choices.  Is it a choice I would make?  No, but it also isn’t my place to judge them.  They seem like perfectly nice (if not slightly insane) people who love their kids and have an amazing family bond.  So, hey.  Produce away.

I also respect their choice to not use birth control and give over the destiny to God.  This is not something I subscribe to.  I’m not religious but I get their faith and appreciate that it is theirs.  They have the means to support their family.  I understand that some of their income comes from the exploitation of their family for TV–but when I watch their show (which is rarely) they seem like a well-adjusted family.  I am not naive to think that everything I see on TV is true, but after all the years they have been on and having all of these kids–I think that if there were some severe issues, we’d have heard already.

This is one of the issues within our community of moms–we are quick to judge the choices of others.  How ever many kids the Duggars have has zero effect on me.  Whether our not someone stays home with their kids or works outside of the home because it has zero effect on me.

So, as you (we/me) sit in judgment of others it is important to understand the negative effect our judgments have on our community of women who should support the right choose.

What Work/Life Balance, Not Allowed?

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

This op-ed in the NY Times caused quite a bit of stir last week.  I was surprised to not read/hear more about it in my own internet circles, but I didn’t.  Part of that might be that I work in Academia and work is already pretty flexible–much more so than for those in traditional occupations.  Several mothers I know are doctors and many of them work part-time while their children are young.  I was listening to yesterday’s Tell Me More on NPR and there was a segment with the doctor who wrote the article and other medial mothers.  One of the things that shocked me, even in this glorified SAHM vs Working mom argument that has grown tiresome, was that it appears that it is no longer okay for women (or men) to make the decision that works for their family.

This quote from Siebert, the op-ed author rubbed me the wrong way:

The current discussion really is, you take women in that 35 to 44-year-old age group who ought to really be shooting for the moon in terms of what they want to do with their lives as physicians and that’s the highest group that are part-time. Men that are working part-time tend to do it as – again, a broad generalization – later in their careers, perhaps when they have health problems or are cutting back. But in those prime years, when you should be doing the work that you love to do and you want to do for the rest of your life, that’s where we’re seeing the predominance of women.

I don’t like the implication or assumption that at a certain age we should be dedicating our entire life to our career as though it is our only chance.  There isn’t just one path.  Hell I am going to be 40 and I am still in school and have only been working full-time for 8 months after taking time off to raise my kids.  I also took a job that is like part-time because it is flexible and allows me to work and still be able to take and pick my kids up from camp, go on field trips, work from home if the kids are sick.

Our world is changing and our expectations should be of others as well.  Just because a women can work doesn’t mean she has to sacrifice family life for work life.  We have expected for too long that work should come first and that everything else should come second.  I don’t agree with that.  I agree we should all have the choice, but that we can’t and shouldn’t fault women or men for making choices that we don’t or wouldn’t.  Many women work part-time while their kids are young–if they are able too and don’t get me started on how we should make that more women and men can have the work/life balance they want and their families need–and then they return to work full-time when their children are older and they can devote more time to their chosen profession.

Why do we spend our energy blaming women for the choices they make.  Shouldn’t we all be supporting each other and our choices?

Another End, Another Beginning

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

Today Noah walked across the playground, through the dinning hall, and through the classroom doors of Newport for the last time. He will walk out of his classroom today a kindergartener.  I don’t know how this happened.  Time has gone too fast.

On the first day of school this year

Noah you have grown so much.  You started the year still a little boy.  Now you can read a few words, tell stories, and solve problems.  You have learned so much and most of it through your own desire and need to learn things.  You have continued to build the friendships that were started last year and you are such a good friend.  You also have begun to figure out what you want and to make sure you get it.  You are ready for kindergarten.  I have no doubt you will continue to flower and grow and amaze me and make me proud to be your mother.

End of school–how he has grown

You are growing up so good.  Last week, one of your new teachers came up to me to tell me how excited she is to get to have you in kindergarten next year.  It made me proud to know that you have made relationships with the entire TCS family.  As you walk down the halls and the older kids say “Hi Noah, how are you?” it reaffirms that we selected the right school for you and our family.  You smile and say hi back and it is clear that you have found a place in this world that has accepted and embraced you.  That is so important.

Keep flourishing my little man.  Keep growing.  Keep learning. Keep loving life and learning.

A Conversation I Never Thought I’d Have

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

Playground conversations are often mundane.  When I pick Noah up from school, he usually wants to play a little on the school playground with his friends.  That means I have to talk with the other moms.  Not that it’s painful.  I don’t mind talking.  I’ve said it here before and will say it again–I am not a chit chatter.  I like to talk and I’m social and I have no problem talking about things, but I am not good at small talk.  One, because my life is so full of things, I don’t have time to even think about what small talky things.

On Wednesday, I picked the kids up from school and Noah was playing and I was talking to one of the moms.  And she is a mom I like.  She’s really nice and is my age.  When you have kids that are young when you are not so young, the norm is that the other parents are 10 or so years younger.  I have to say we are pretty fortunate as most of the parents at Noah’s school are within our age group.  So, we were chatting about exercising, like I have anytime for that, but she doesn’t work and her kid’s in school full-time so she has time to yoga and other things.  Then we were talking about junk food, etc.  I can certainly relate to that, I think just talking about it I gained 5lbs.  She then says,  “I…This might fall under the category of TMI…”

Let me just stop you there.  If you have to preface what you are saying with it might fall under the category of TMI, then chances are good that it does.  But I encouraged her, as I know she is new to STL and doesn’t necessarily have a lot of friends locally.  Who am I to judge.  I shared about my first brazillian bikini wax with my close friends.  So, I am practicing being a girl.  Anyway.  I said, “don’t worry about it.”

“I had my first two colonics.” She said.

I have no idea what the look on my face portrayed.  I tried to look interested.  I did.  I just wasn’t expecting it.  I really wasn’t.  There just is no way to prepare yourself for that.

“I was reading in a yoga magazine blah blah blah people are supposed to poop two or three times a day blah blah blah really you’re suppose to poop every time you eat blah blah”

I’m think if I pooped everytime I ate, I’d have to work in the bathroom.

“And your intestines are like 6 feet long and waste can stay in there for years.  My technician said that one time a barbie shoe came out of a guy that he had swallowed as a kid.”

All I can think is gross and that maybe the whole gun does/can stay in your system for 7 years.

“You can have anywhere from 4-14 pounds of waste in your colon.”

Might not be a bad weight loss strategy–other than it involves someone basically putting a hose up my butt to flush it out.

“I felt like I could run a marathon afterwards.  It was great.  You should look into it.  Here is the card.”

I was polite and said “wow that sounds good. I’ll have to look into it.”

I am so not looking into it.

Becoming A Real Parent

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 6 Comments

One would think that just having children makes you a “real” parent.  But, it doesn’t.  I was fortunate to get to stay home with Noah and have a great Mom’s group that I was a part of.  Both of us and then Zo when she came along–had a lot of great socializing.  Then, Noah started school.  I knew that this would mean that I would have to make friends with the parents.  But I never really considered the  responsibility I have for keeping up with Noah and his friends.

The PLAYDATE.  I know it might seem odd to be nervous about playdates.  I’ve had them before with other kids and moms–but many of them I “knew” through the blogosphere before we met in person.  But this whole playdate with private school friends is new to me and well, to be honest, makes me a little self-conscious.  We are not wealthy people–a big part of that is due to the insane and completely unnecessary amount of debt we carry (I know this is something we need to work on and we are–for our kids’ sake and future).  We’d be much better off if we didn’t have this huge debt monkey on our back–but certainly not living in a nearly million-dollar house “better off.”  More, a shopping at Macy’s instead of Target better off.

Anyway.  Can you tell I have some anxiety about this.  I knew this type of socioeconomic differences would exists between us and other families who sent their kids to private school.  I am happy to admit that most of the time these differences are completely undetectable–all of our kids are pretty indistinguishable in terms of socioeconomic status on a day to day basis–even the parking lot isn’t too polarizing–lots of mini-vans and sedans.

We had our first official at someone’s house playdate this week.  We actually had two this week.  Way to just jump right in.  I am not sure it was money issues that through me off and had me the most frightened.  I was most frightened about my own socializing with the other moms.  I am not a good small talker.  I wasn’t raised in a family where we did a lot of small talk and I have had many of the same friends for a long time.  Add to that, the fact that I am self-conscious about being a student–I know I am a PhD student, but I am still a student and…anyway.  I am ready to be done and have a career and be on my way.  So, this is obviously my own issue but it is one that plagues me as I am surrounded by families and women who are working hard in their careers—lawyers, doctors, etc and stay-at-home moms.

I have some real insecurity issues–but I do not want to pass these on to my children.  I will work through them.  So, on Monday we drove over to one of Noah’s friends’ houses for a playdate.  It’s in a really really expensive area of town–as I turned on their street, my heart stopped beating momentarily as I drove past ESTATES with gates.  I’m thinking “holy shit” the whole time.  But we drove a block or two and there were then some much more reasonably sized million dollar homes.  I prayed one of those would be our destination.  And it was.  But right across the street was a huge estate–huge isn’t even the right word.  I don’t know the right word to describe a house that could easily hold 10-15 of my house and probably still have room to spare.

We knocked and went in to a very unassuming house.  It was tasteful and sophisticated but didn’t say “look at how rich I am.”  It was nice.  That is something that I have noticed about most rich people–they don’t have a lot of stuff.  Sure they have more places to store stuff–but they don’t have  a lot of extra stuff laying around like I do.  The kids rooms were not overflowing with toys and crap–like mine.  It really has caused me to ask, exactly what do I need and why do I feel like I need to have a million things?  Probably because I can’t afford one nice thing–although I probably could if I didn’t buy a bunch of crap.

Overall, the playdate went well.  It is so hard being a parent.  We did a craft with the kids–the two boys make some crowns.  CRAFTS.  The only craft my kid can do is color–CRAFTS.  Of course, this got me questioning my own parenting.  But, I am not a craft mom and my kids are really craft kids.  Ever since Noah was little, it has been a struggle to get him to even color.

This has grown so much longer than I intended.  The playdate went great–we had lunch and it was super nice.  The kids played on their own for the majority of the time we were there.  The other mom and I chatted and it was easy.   I sometimes forget that I am an adult–being in school will do that for you as so many people you interact with see you as a student.  The second playdate was very different.  More about that tomorrow.