Motherhood

Babies Everywhere…Thankfully Not For Me

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 7 Comments

I am surrounded by babies and people having babies.  It doesn’t bother me.  I am really happy for all of families bringing new children into the world and their families.  I have long ago dealt with my infertility.  I no longer feel a tug when I see a pregnant woman.  I no longer ache when I see a new mother leave the hospital with their just days old baby.  Organizing baby clothes to sell no longer makes me feel as though I am losing something. 

I know I have posted before about our desire to expand our family.  And this is still true.  I long for a bigger family.  I dream of a bigger family.  I have nightmares about more babies.  I know this sounds weird, but I have to admit that my least favorite part of child rearing so far has been the baby stage.  I love my kids and I love them so very completely but if I would be perfectly happy to not have to mother another baby.  Am I the only one?

Recently, I was at my cousin’s wedding shower and and she had her 6 week old baby girl there.  Everyone was passing her around and I was lucky enough to be at the shower sans children.  My aunts looked to me and asked me if I wanted to hold the baby.  I thought for a second and kindly said “No.”  I didn’t want to hold the baby.  I had not one bit of desire to hold the baby. 

I am in such a weird space right now with the whole mom thing.  Not a question for a second about being a mom.  But questioning if it makes me a bad mom to not like babies?  I know that might sound weird but, I really don’t have the desire to have or adopt more babies.  I am comforted by the fact that my husband feels the same way.  We plan to adopt an young sibling group when Noah is 5 or 6.  We want to keep him as the oldest.  I am excited about our plans for expanding our family and am pleased that it doesn’t involve monts and months of feedings every 2-3 hours.  I know that adopting “older” children has its own problems and issues, but I feel much more equipped to deal with those and more willing to deal with those than with what a baby brings to the mix. 

How much my thinking has changed simply by experiencing motherhood.

Not Going To Like The 3’s

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Noah is quickly approaching the age of three and all I can say is “settle the hell down.”  In the last 6 weeks or so my sweet loving child has morphed into a–dare I say–child prone to possession by some other force.  He screams this blood curdling scream at any hint that the “no” I answered with is my final answer.  It is tough to deal with all day long.  To top it off we are attempting to get rid of the binky again.  This will be the third time. 

But on a postive note–he didn’t pee in a diaper all day today.  That’s something.  I know that this is just a phase and by the time he actually turns 3 he wil be a little more in control of himself and feel less frustrated and out of control.  I know that in my mind–but knowing it and dealing with it with a nugget of grace and composure is tough.  Research shows that kids tend to act out more around their half birthdays because of their mental/physical growth and development and they start to feel out of control, etc.  But it is still hard. 

Tomorrow we are going to our first choice in schools for Noah next year.  They are having a winter festival for potential students.  It should be fun.  I started filling out financial aid info–crazy to be filling that out for my not even 3-year-old.  Applications are almost done and one more school to check out.  We are only applying to two schools and we’ll have to see what happens.  I’ll be happy if he is accpeted to either one and I don’t know that I have a preference.  They both certainly have their own pros and cons.  One is less diverse but goes through 8th grade the other only goes through grade 6 but is very very diverse.  Both are amazing and my children would be lucky to go to either–we’ll see who has the best financial aid deal.

A New Perspective

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 5 Comments

I have been struggling with my eating for a long time and this as well as my struggle over staying home or working.  I guess I have arrived at a crossroads personally and have finally picked a path.  I a living my life as though I have already reached my goals.  Asking myself at every turn–what will I do when I am at my goal weight?  what will I do when I am perfectly organized?  It takes a lot of pressure off and erases many of the questions that I might face in a day. 

I also have accepted that I can love being a SAHM and love working at the same time and that it’s okay to be torn.  I want to go back to work because I miss teaching, etc.  Not because I don’t want to be with my kids and that has taken some getting use to.  I love hanging out and raising my kids.  I also love teaching.  I can love both.  I have also begun to change my internal dialogue from “I want to be a great mom” to “I am a great mom.”  From “I want to be healthy and fit” to “I am healthy and fit.”  This allows me to live in the now for the person I am going to be in the future.  What a glorious revelation and break through. 

Today is Day 7 on my 365 days of exercise.  Yes, I have vowed to exercise every day in 2009.  So far so good and I have to admit that I feel awesome.

Nearing The End Of My Rope

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 13 Comments

Zoë won’t sleep.  She fights it and I am running on fumes and those fumes are quickly evaporating.  I am lucky on a typical day if she naps for 90 minutes–all day.  She is going to be one in a few days and I know she needs more sleep. I know I do.  She has been up at night the past few nights for at least 2 hours.  She is tired but doesn’t want to sleep–she cries and cries and cries.  I hold her and she cries.  I lay her down and she cries.  She is yet sleeping through the night–we are going on 4 months with barely a full night of sleep–wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have two active children all day who don’t nap at the same times.   I am lucky that Noah is still is a good napper–he wakes in the middle of the night occasionally but goes back to sleep rather quickly. 

I am at a loss for ways to help her become a better sleeper.  Part of that is I have no patience left.  I am tense and very quick to frustration and anger.  She napped this afternoon for about 40 minutes and woke up crabby and cried for quite some time. She started rubbing her eyes and so I put her back to bed–she has been crying and I just can’t deal with it.  I am no longer going to be embarrassed or ashamed that I am at my wits end.  That I don’t know what to do. That I can’t handle the not sleeping. That I am struggling with the crying and the refusal to go to sleep.  I need some help.  I need some advice.  I need somethings that I can try.  Because this has to end before I lose it. 

One Month Down–215 To Go

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 12 Comments

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Peepers has been my second child–in real life–for one month now (A little longer if you count our time in Ethiopia).  But I am starting to count since we have been here at home with my first child–Minnow. 

I am not going to lie and say how awesome it’s been and how great.  Because quite frankly adjusting to a second child has sucked.  Not only because she doesn’t sleep, but because she is very demanding–part of that has to do with her age–she is nearly 9months old now and wants things.  She isn’t content to just hang out.  She needs things to do and it’s hard to provide both her and Minnow with age appropriate things to do–so often I let her drink (pour) my coffee and pick up hubby’s cigarette butts.  I have struggled with finding time for myself as their nap schedule resembles torture—Peepers sleeps and Minnow naps after she wakes.  Peepers naps again and Minnow wakes up 30 minutes later. 

I have gone from having 3 hours to myself to regenerate and pretend I don’t have any one other than myself demanding my time to having only 30 which serves as a stark reminder that my life is no longer my own–at all. 

But there are upsides to having a new baby–I am totally in love with her. She is happy and has a great personality.  She doesn’t cry unless she is hungry and/or tired.  She is growing and now sleeps in her own bed and is sleeping longer and I can see glimpses of more sleep in my future.  The love is amazing and seeing her every morning is awesome and watching her learn new things, etc., just plain rocks. 

I am happy and blessed to be her mother–we’ll see how she feels about that later.  But it’s tough and I am not afraid to admit it.  I know that doesn’t make me a bad mother; it just makes me a real and honest woman who is also a mother. 

So, what do you struggle with and what gets you through?