Parenting

The Curse Of Popularity

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

Certainly not my popularity.  No, Noah is the cursed one.  He is by far one of the most sought after kids in his class to play with/be with.  Please do not mistake this for parental bragging.  Being popular can be very isolating.  As some of the kids are forming these bonds with one or two kids–Noah has a host of kids who want to play with him all the time.  He is being pulled in many directions and he doesn’t seem to get to really spend time with a core friend or two.

His one teacher today talked with me a bit about how she often sees Noah being pulled in several directions and wondered if I had noticed him being stressed out or anxious at home.  I told her not really, but that there was an issue and that Noah didn’t seem to understand why he couldn’t be everyone’s friend.  OMG–already cliques in pre-school.  He has a three different kids who want to play with him often–they are three kids who don’t play together and often as soon as Noah walks in  he is smothered by all three.  The kids all want to be his friend a don’t quite understand that he is everyone’s friend and that because he plays with one doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the other.

“Mom, B says S isn’t my friend.”

“Is that true?”

“No, S said we have to keep it a secret so B doesn’t know”

“You can be everyone’s friend”

“I know by B gets mad when I say I am S’s friend”

How I wish the world was easier for my little man.  Noah negotiates these issues well and splits his time.  I can’t believe I just wrote that my son is splitting his time amongst other 3/4-year-olds.  His teacher assures me that they are keeping an eye on the situation and step in to help when they need to.  Is it sad to wish my son was the shy one and not the one everyone wants to be with.

I don’t know what I’ll do when Zoë starts school.  They both can’t be popular can they?

A Tale Of Two Bullies And Growth

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

Who thought with a kid in private pre-school, I’d have to be dealing with bullies.  But in these tough economic times, Noah’s class has two.  Dad wants him to tell the bullies “no” when they hit/kick him and if they continue then he should hit them back.  I am not a fan of this and Noah even said to his dad, “But my teachers might see me.”  Clearly he understands that hitting/kicking someone is wrong. Because there are two teachers and 18-20 students, the teachers can’t see everything that happens.  And as the boys play rough much of the time, can you really tell from a distance or glance if they are engaging in consensual play or one is being mistreated.

Hubby is surprised I am not more concerned.  I don’t want my son to get hurt and bullied by some kid.  I’ll do what I need to to protect my child.  But those of us who have kids know that our kids don’t tell us anything.  Noah might tell me three days later that S or B hit him and it hurt.  I had a long talk with Noah today about how to handle it when kids are mean to him and try to hurt him–whether kicking, hitting, or pushing.  I told him to yell “No, Don’t hurt me.”  Thinking this will get one of the teachers attention and Noah doesn’t have to resort to the “eye for an eye” mentality.  He is too young to be learning that hitting back is sometimes necessary.  I don’t want him to learn that.  I want him to learn to walk away and not give the bully what he wants/needs.

So, here we are at a bit of an impasse.  Re-enrollment is coming up and I have every intention of re-enrolling Noah, but I know there are a couple of families that are considering not re-enrolling because their kids are being picked on repeatedly.  Noah is pretty outgoing and he’ll go and play with a few of the girls if the boys are playing in a way he doesn’t want to play.  He is starting to learn and I hear him tell B that he doesn’t want to play like that and isn’t going to play with him.  I like that he is figuring this out for himself.  But, I might be a little more apt to react if he was showing signs of distress and anxiousness.

Have your kids had to deal with bullies?  How is it handled at your kids school?  How have you handled it?

Operation Bikini In Hawaii–Week 2

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 5 Comments

Well, this past week had been much better–weight was dropping off pretty good–but then I met Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Caramels and ate the entire box as I sat on the couch the night before my LASIK surgery.  But, I am still down about 6 pounds and well on my way to my goal of losing 50lbs before Hawaii.  I just won’t buy any more chocolate caramels from Trader Joe’s.  But they sure are awesome.

If anyone out there has an iPhone or iTouch and is trying to lose weight-I totally recommend the LoseIt app and if you use it we can be friends–and see each others progress.

On other notes–LASIK went well.  My eyes are still hearing healing, but overall, I am still totally happy that I can see without glasses.

Can someone please tell me how to keep my daughter from sticking her hand into her poopy diapers–especially at bedtime?

The Second Playdate And Classroom Politics

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

Last week, both Noah and I had the playdate rite of passage.  I certainly had more anxiety about it than Noah–who just wanted to get together and play with his friends.  A little background on playdate #2.  I love Noah’s school and all the parents are really nice. There is a pretty equal amount of girls and boys in the class and there is a real sense of community.  That said–there are two maybe three students boys in the class that most parents consider to be troublesome–especially the parents of the other boys in class.   These boys are physical and rough and impulsive and at times aggressive and mean.  Parents have had meetings with the teachers and phone calls about what these boys have done, etc.

There were days during the first few weeks of school that Noah didn’t want one of the boys–the biggest bully–to come to school anymore.  It got so bad for Noah that one day Noah bit the boy because he was being mean to him the in the bathroom and not letting him have a turn.  Noah hasn’t had an incident with this boy since then–they seem to get along fine and on some level that worries me and I keep a very close eye on Noah’s behavior to make sure he is not becoming aggressive himself.

One of the other boys is less mean and more impulsive and immature.  He was originally in the 4/5-year-old classroom but was moved to the 3/4 because he just wasn’t mature enough to be in that classroom.  Noah likes this boy as he is imaginative like Noah is and likes to play superheroes.  So, B’s mom called and said her son wanted to have Noah over for a playdate.  I couldn’t say no.  I wanted to, but I thought that all kids deserve friends and that the only way kids who are not socially mature can get that way is to have opportunities to be social.

We arrived and I was nervous.  But B’s mom is awesome and nice.  The playdate was interesting and Noah had fun despite B’s inability to actually engage in real play–there was a lot of side-by-side play and it was so very different than our playdate the day before.  I am happy that we went and it was good for me to see B outside of the classroom environment to see that he really isn’t a bully as much as he is immature and impulsive.  But it amazes me the dividing line that is caused by behaviors of children.

I am too knew to this whole kid in school thing any my son is too young for me to yet be worrying about who his friends are.  He’s only 3.  Has his behavior changed a little bit since school started?  Sure–he’s more verbal (who ever thought that was possible), he can write his name and several others, he can read many letter and now knows some words on site.  Is he a little more physical?  Yes.  Does he talk about things/his toys being dead?  Sure.  But, I don’t know that all of this is bad.  They are opportunities for us to talk about what he is learning and what things mean.

Peer influence isn’t going to ever go away and while I can monitor the peers he’s around outside of school, I certainly can’t while he is in school and I don’t think I want to.  It is important for him to be able to experience all types of situations and to learn–both right and wrong from them.  This is where my job as a parent is uber-important.  I don’t want to control every interaction he has.  Why would anyone?  (Sorry, not trying to sound judgmental–genuinely curious).

I know his school is safe and I know that the world is full of bullies and that he is going to run into them periodically.  Better he learn to deal with them young rather than trying to bite one when he’s in his 20’s.

Becoming A Real Parent

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 6 Comments

One would think that just having children makes you a “real” parent.  But, it doesn’t.  I was fortunate to get to stay home with Noah and have a great Mom’s group that I was a part of.  Both of us and then Zo when she came along–had a lot of great socializing.  Then, Noah started school.  I knew that this would mean that I would have to make friends with the parents.  But I never really considered the  responsibility I have for keeping up with Noah and his friends.

The PLAYDATE.  I know it might seem odd to be nervous about playdates.  I’ve had them before with other kids and moms–but many of them I “knew” through the blogosphere before we met in person.  But this whole playdate with private school friends is new to me and well, to be honest, makes me a little self-conscious.  We are not wealthy people–a big part of that is due to the insane and completely unnecessary amount of debt we carry (I know this is something we need to work on and we are–for our kids’ sake and future).  We’d be much better off if we didn’t have this huge debt monkey on our back–but certainly not living in a nearly million-dollar house “better off.”  More, a shopping at Macy’s instead of Target better off.

Anyway.  Can you tell I have some anxiety about this.  I knew this type of socioeconomic differences would exists between us and other families who sent their kids to private school.  I am happy to admit that most of the time these differences are completely undetectable–all of our kids are pretty indistinguishable in terms of socioeconomic status on a day to day basis–even the parking lot isn’t too polarizing–lots of mini-vans and sedans.

We had our first official at someone’s house playdate this week.  We actually had two this week.  Way to just jump right in.  I am not sure it was money issues that through me off and had me the most frightened.  I was most frightened about my own socializing with the other moms.  I am not a good small talker.  I wasn’t raised in a family where we did a lot of small talk and I have had many of the same friends for a long time.  Add to that, the fact that I am self-conscious about being a student–I know I am a PhD student, but I am still a student and…anyway.  I am ready to be done and have a career and be on my way.  So, this is obviously my own issue but it is one that plagues me as I am surrounded by families and women who are working hard in their careers—lawyers, doctors, etc and stay-at-home moms.

I have some real insecurity issues–but I do not want to pass these on to my children.  I will work through them.  So, on Monday we drove over to one of Noah’s friends’ houses for a playdate.  It’s in a really really expensive area of town–as I turned on their street, my heart stopped beating momentarily as I drove past ESTATES with gates.  I’m thinking “holy shit” the whole time.  But we drove a block or two and there were then some much more reasonably sized million dollar homes.  I prayed one of those would be our destination.  And it was.  But right across the street was a huge estate–huge isn’t even the right word.  I don’t know the right word to describe a house that could easily hold 10-15 of my house and probably still have room to spare.

We knocked and went in to a very unassuming house.  It was tasteful and sophisticated but didn’t say “look at how rich I am.”  It was nice.  That is something that I have noticed about most rich people–they don’t have a lot of stuff.  Sure they have more places to store stuff–but they don’t have  a lot of extra stuff laying around like I do.  The kids rooms were not overflowing with toys and crap–like mine.  It really has caused me to ask, exactly what do I need and why do I feel like I need to have a million things?  Probably because I can’t afford one nice thing–although I probably could if I didn’t buy a bunch of crap.

Overall, the playdate went well.  It is so hard being a parent.  We did a craft with the kids–the two boys make some crowns.  CRAFTS.  The only craft my kid can do is color–CRAFTS.  Of course, this got me questioning my own parenting.  But, I am not a craft mom and my kids are really craft kids.  Ever since Noah was little, it has been a struggle to get him to even color.

This has grown so much longer than I intended.  The playdate went great–we had lunch and it was super nice.  The kids played on their own for the majority of the time we were there.  The other mom and I chatted and it was easy.   I sometimes forget that I am an adult–being in school will do that for you as so many people you interact with see you as a student.  The second playdate was very different.  More about that tomorrow.