PCOS

The Skin I’m In

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I have been working with a Health Coach for the past 6 months.  And while I was hoping I would have dropped a bunch of weight (totally didn’t), I could not be happier and more content with the experience.  This past 6-months was not about me losing weight, it was about me finding the love for myself.  It was about me finding the love and acceptance for myself.

I always was able to “lie” to myself in the past that I was “happy” with who I was, etc.  But it never worked.  I never really bought into it.  For awhile I just hoped that if I said it enough I would actually believe it.  Just so you know–that doesn’t actually work.  Just saying.

So, I can final say that after 5 months (still have one month left) that I have finally gotten it.  I love myself and know that I deserve the best.  During one of our sessions, she as a question and the answer was “I am fabulous.”  I said it tentatively, but at that moment, I actually felt it.

I think too often we are waiting for the “perfect” us to be present before we truly love ourselves.  So often we focus on what we are doing wrong, or what is wrong with us–“I’m too fat”, “I don’t exercise enough”.  That somehow everything will be better once that one thing changes.  But this whole process has taught me that I have to love me now.  That who I am right now is enough.

The other thing that I have learned is that acceptance is just that–being brave enough to accept who you are every day.  To love yourself everyday–even if you aren’t exactly who/what  you pictured.  To own your fabulousness and wear it with pride.  Erin did that recently in NY at BlogHer and it just reminded me that we are all fabulous.

I love myself and because of that, I am going to do what is good for me.  This small mind switch has freed me to make the choices that are good for me.  It has allowed me to own who I am.

 

Progress

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

I have made some huge strides in getting my PCOS under control.  I have stopped thinking that I am on a diet and now talk about the way I eat.  Because it isn’t a diet and if I start to look at it as a diet, that implies that there is an end date.  That there is some finish line.  And in terms of my health there isn’t a finish line.  This isn’t a race.  There is hurry up and lose 20 lbs or hurry up and fit into smaller pants.  This is a take your time and be healthy.  Not get healthy–but be healthy.  There is a difference between those two and I am just not beginning to understand that.

I have cut out about 90% of the gluten from my diet and pretty much all dairy.  I haven’t had a skinny vanilla latte in weeks and I don’t want one.  The thought of it makes me a little sick to my stomach.  I haven’t had a diet soda in over a month.  Again, I don’t even crave it.  When I think about snacking–it isn’t on sugary sweets or salty chips–but veggies and hummus or nuts and dried fruit.  I never thought I would be able to kick my sugar and fake sugar addiction.  Who am I fooling, I didn’t even realize it was an addiction until a few weeks ago.  This doesn’t mean I haven’t had a small sweet here and there–but I can say that it is rare and it’s after I have thought about it.  I hope to get to a place where it happens even less–but I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I am going to own my choices.

I got rid of my scale.  One of my goals is to not be controlled by the numbers.  It was hard to get rid of it (and in the spirit of full-disclosure it’s just down in the basement).  I am going to limit myself to once a month weigh-ins.  Just to see where I am.  I hope to get to a point that I don’t need those anymore.  We’ll see.

I feel so much better–have more energy and am less crabby, which is really nice.  I always knew food was powerful–but how knew how crappy you could feel eating processed foods–eating whole and mostly fresh foods has been really great.  If you have been wanting to make these types of changes–let me tell you they are worth it and the cravings really do go away.

Comfort

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

At my age, 40, I should be comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not.  I can change that.  I am working to change that.

I have PCOS.  I cannot change that.  I can learn to manage it.

I cannot do it alone.

I have tried and I have failed.

I can’t change why I am not comfortable.  I can’t change growing up and never feeling good enough.  I can’t change that I haven’t been supported by the one person who should always been in my corner…No. Matter. What.

Toxic relationships can wreak havoc.  I have to separate myself from those relationships–as much as it kills me to.  As much as I wish it could be another way.  Family should support each other and love each other.  Not criticize at every turn.

I have sought out a health coach to work with me on this journey to conquer my PCOS and other obstacles in my way to being healthy.  Part of my not being successful is based in a foolish rebellion.  Once I hit puberty, there was a almost singular focus on my weight by many important people close to me.  I resented it for several reasons…reasons I can’t talk about here, yet.  Every time I eat something not good for me, it’s like turning my nose up at those voices that haunted me as a child, teen and even an adult.

But, it’s time for me to grow up.  Say screw you to those voices and find peace and comfort in my own skin and life.  I can’t eliminate the voices, as they are a part of my life, but I can ignore them.

Working with my health coach is going to be great.  PCOS is a bitch of a syndrome and controls your life in many ways.  I know it make it sound dramatic–it isn’t cancer or lupus or something that could kill me, but it is something that hinders my ability to live the life I was meant to live and feel the happiness that I deserve.  It will require a lot of changes in my life–the way I eat, the way I spend my time, the choices I make.  I know that I will find support from those who truly want me to be happy and understand what it means to be supportive.  I also know that I will get ridicule and judgement from those who don’t know what it means to be supportive.

This battle for PCOS is one that only someone else with PCOS can understand.  It’s like being an alcoholic–only another recovering alcoholic can understand what it feels like.  Talking to my health coach this past week, opened up a damn of emotions that I didn’t have the confidence to unleash, because it is so much more complicated that others see.  I am tired of people just saying eat less and you’ll be healthy or lose the weight you want.  For me it’s not about being skinny.  For me it’s about being healthy.  For me it’s about being me.  For me it’s about being happy.  For me it’s about being the best wife and mother I can.  My husband and kids deserve me at my best.

My husband couldn’t be more supportive and I couldn’t do what I have done these past 16 years if it wasn’t for him.  He has encouraged me and supported me every step of the way and sacrificed what he wanted so that I could do what I needed/wanted.  He encouraged me through my Bachelor’s degree.  He supported me through my master’s degree and through my PhD.  He is amazing and it kills me that people in my family can’t see that.  Don’t see that.  He is an amazing father and it makes me angry that there are people close to me who refuse to see that.  They only see what they want to see.

This journey starts now and the choices will be hard and I won’t be perfect.  But I am not making excuses for myself or for those close to me anymore.  I am not going to apologize for doing what is best for me and my family.

 

 

A New Approach

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 4 Comments

It is no secret around these parts that I struggle with weight and want to lost weight.  There is this one problem–I absolutely love food.  All food.  I enjoy it and I love flavors and textures, etc.  I love it all.  I have worked hard at “dieting” and counting calories and exercising but have yet to find the approach that is best for me.  It isn’t as simple as I want to lose weight–I have PCOS which screws with my hormones and with how I digest foods, etc.  While in theory it is as simple as calories in vs. calories out–not all calories are created equal.  Not all calories are processed the same in our bodies, etc.  So, where is this boring lecture on food stuffs going you ask?  Well, I am adopting a whole food way of eating.

I am cutting out processed foods and most meats–unless they are fish or lean grass fed beef or lean pastured chickens.  I am going eat foods that come in their natural state.  I am giving up caffeine and soda.  I drink only diet soda–but as soon as my stash of soda is gone at home–I am done with it.  I am going to eat better to feel better.  I am going to stop counting calories as the way of losing weight (I’m still going to count to make sure I am eating a good amount of calories).  I am going to treat food as fuel and recognize that the type of fuel I put in my body is important.

This change is going to happen over the next two weeks-so by the end of the first week of March, I have made the complete transition.  I am looking forward to seeing the effects this has on me and my family.  I will be slowing changing the kids over to a whole food diet–they eat pretty good as it is now–but there are some things that are not the best for them and I will be slowing ridding the house of those items.

Any of you out there eat a whole food (or clean) diet?  How did it work for you? Any advice?

Finally, Movement

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 4 Comments

On the scale that is.  I haven’t blogged month that last few months.  Life has just been busy and I have been trying to figure out how to keep all the balls I am juggling in the air and the blogging ball has been left to lay under the table gathering dust. 

Well, I am proud of myself that I have completed 36 days of exercise so far this year.  That means I only have 329 more days to go.  I feel great and am so happy that I have found my commitment to myself again.  Sadly, after 31 days of exercise in January, I did lose a pound.  Not one pound.  I weighed the same amount on Jan 31 as I did on Jan 1.  I was irritated and a little flabbergasted.  I thought I was doing great–I felt great.  I wasn’t tracking my food and I obviously should have been.  That’s not entirely accurate.  I tracked my meals and I was eating fine–what I wasn’t tracking was the food I was eating off the kids plates or the type of calories I was eating. 

I have PCOS and have written about it in the past.  I need to watch my carbs and make sure to eat the right kind and not too many.  I shouldn’t have more than 150g of carbs a day and less would be better.  Well, on some days I was consuming closet to 300g of carbs.  That isn’t good for me, nor will it aid in my weight loss efforts.  So, I have download the new LoseIt app for my iphone and am keeping tack of everything I eat and of my carbs/fat/fiber/protein and it has opened my eyes.  And finally 4 days in I have seen some movement on the scale–nearly 2lbs.

I have accepted that losing weight is going to take a lot of work and it really is a numbers game and a numbers game that is more than just calories in vs calories out.  I need to eat the right calories for my body and what my body needs and struggles with.  I am looking forward to my official weigh in on monday to see what a week of doing what I need to do and should be doing has gotten me.