Personal Growth

The Reality of 45

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

I don’t often feel my age.  Yesterday, I did.  It was more a combination of age and a couple years of laziness–but 45 is hard.

I have always had a love/hate relationship with exercise, etc.  I love the way it makes me feel; but to be honest, I have not made it a priority.  There has always been an excuse or something else in the way–dissertation to write (DONE), papers to grade (Never Done), kids to run around (TAXI).

But, I have always been able to get back on the train pretty easily.  This past summer it hit me when I did a bike ride with my bestie–we had done lots of bike rides–and I struggled in ways I hadn’t before.  My hips are older (and I don’t stretch like I should) and my age is catching up with me.

My age and the difficulty of getting back in shape was never more apparent than yesterday when I did my first 5k training cycle.  My daughter is doing Girls on the Run this year for the first time and she needs someone to run with her.  I thought this was just the motivation I needed to get off my expanding ass and start the long (VERY LONG) road back to health.

It sucked.  I use to be able to run (a little)–but my knees and hips are a bit more combative (they like being lazy). It didn’t help that I am battling some lung congestion; but let’s be honest that was the least of my issues.  I was supposed to run for 1 min and walk for 1.5 min, alternating.  Well–I was able to run for 30 seconds.

It was humbling.

It was one of the first times that I have really felt old.

It was one of the first times that I have come face to face with the fact that I have really let myself go.  I will not give up–I might need more Advil.  I will keep pushing and if I have to do that first day 4-5 times before I get up to the 1 minute of running than I will.  I will do it for me.  It will be great to run with my 3rd grader–but it will be more than that.

I didn’t think I’d ever finish my dissertation and I did.

Yesterday, I didn’t think I could do the full 25 minutes of running/walking and while it was sucky and I didn’t do as much as I set out to do–I did it.  I will do it again tomorrow.  I’ll teach my kids that no matter how hard something is you cannot give up.

Here’s to hoping 45 gets better.  But it’s hard.

 

A New Outlook

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

As the first day of 2013 comes to a close, I think back on all of the day’s failures and really wish that life offered mulligans.

But then I think, life really is just one mulligan after another. Tomorrow, I get to do it all over again and in theory not repeat the same mistakes I made today. Lucky for me, I don’t have more cider donut mix to screw up.

I can parent my kids differently (notice I didn’t say better–I’m trying to be realistic).

Life is beautiful that way. We get a new start everyday and not just as the calendar turns from December 31 to January 1. Everyday is a fresh start.

I’m going to live this year remembering that and not beat myself up for my perceived failures. I’m instead going to embrace tomorrow.

The Skin I’m In

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I have been working with a Health Coach for the past 6 months.  And while I was hoping I would have dropped a bunch of weight (totally didn’t), I could not be happier and more content with the experience.  This past 6-months was not about me losing weight, it was about me finding the love for myself.  It was about me finding the love and acceptance for myself.

I always was able to “lie” to myself in the past that I was “happy” with who I was, etc.  But it never worked.  I never really bought into it.  For awhile I just hoped that if I said it enough I would actually believe it.  Just so you know–that doesn’t actually work.  Just saying.

So, I can final say that after 5 months (still have one month left) that I have finally gotten it.  I love myself and know that I deserve the best.  During one of our sessions, she as a question and the answer was “I am fabulous.”  I said it tentatively, but at that moment, I actually felt it.

I think too often we are waiting for the “perfect” us to be present before we truly love ourselves.  So often we focus on what we are doing wrong, or what is wrong with us–“I’m too fat”, “I don’t exercise enough”.  That somehow everything will be better once that one thing changes.  But this whole process has taught me that I have to love me now.  That who I am right now is enough.

The other thing that I have learned is that acceptance is just that–being brave enough to accept who you are every day.  To love yourself everyday–even if you aren’t exactly who/what  you pictured.  To own your fabulousness and wear it with pride.  Erin did that recently in NY at BlogHer and it just reminded me that we are all fabulous.

I love myself and because of that, I am going to do what is good for me.  This small mind switch has freed me to make the choices that are good for me.  It has allowed me to own who I am.

 

Comfort

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

At my age, 40, I should be comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not.  I can change that.  I am working to change that.

I have PCOS.  I cannot change that.  I can learn to manage it.

I cannot do it alone.

I have tried and I have failed.

I can’t change why I am not comfortable.  I can’t change growing up and never feeling good enough.  I can’t change that I haven’t been supported by the one person who should always been in my corner…No. Matter. What.

Toxic relationships can wreak havoc.  I have to separate myself from those relationships–as much as it kills me to.  As much as I wish it could be another way.  Family should support each other and love each other.  Not criticize at every turn.

I have sought out a health coach to work with me on this journey to conquer my PCOS and other obstacles in my way to being healthy.  Part of my not being successful is based in a foolish rebellion.  Once I hit puberty, there was a almost singular focus on my weight by many important people close to me.  I resented it for several reasons…reasons I can’t talk about here, yet.  Every time I eat something not good for me, it’s like turning my nose up at those voices that haunted me as a child, teen and even an adult.

But, it’s time for me to grow up.  Say screw you to those voices and find peace and comfort in my own skin and life.  I can’t eliminate the voices, as they are a part of my life, but I can ignore them.

Working with my health coach is going to be great.  PCOS is a bitch of a syndrome and controls your life in many ways.  I know it make it sound dramatic–it isn’t cancer or lupus or something that could kill me, but it is something that hinders my ability to live the life I was meant to live and feel the happiness that I deserve.  It will require a lot of changes in my life–the way I eat, the way I spend my time, the choices I make.  I know that I will find support from those who truly want me to be happy and understand what it means to be supportive.  I also know that I will get ridicule and judgement from those who don’t know what it means to be supportive.

This battle for PCOS is one that only someone else with PCOS can understand.  It’s like being an alcoholic–only another recovering alcoholic can understand what it feels like.  Talking to my health coach this past week, opened up a damn of emotions that I didn’t have the confidence to unleash, because it is so much more complicated that others see.  I am tired of people just saying eat less and you’ll be healthy or lose the weight you want.  For me it’s not about being skinny.  For me it’s about being healthy.  For me it’s about being me.  For me it’s about being happy.  For me it’s about being the best wife and mother I can.  My husband and kids deserve me at my best.

My husband couldn’t be more supportive and I couldn’t do what I have done these past 16 years if it wasn’t for him.  He has encouraged me and supported me every step of the way and sacrificed what he wanted so that I could do what I needed/wanted.  He encouraged me through my Bachelor’s degree.  He supported me through my master’s degree and through my PhD.  He is amazing and it kills me that people in my family can’t see that.  Don’t see that.  He is an amazing father and it makes me angry that there are people close to me who refuse to see that.  They only see what they want to see.

This journey starts now and the choices will be hard and I won’t be perfect.  But I am not making excuses for myself or for those close to me anymore.  I am not going to apologize for doing what is best for me and my family.

 

 

The Dangers of Blogging

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 5 Comments

Well it has finally happened.  This little space here of mine on the internet has caused a bit of a family scandal.  This post has caused a bit of a ruckus.   I have lived in this space for over 5 years, writing about all aspects of my life–the good, the bad, the embarrassing, and the ugly.  There are plenty of things I don’t blog about.  On principle and out of respect for my husband–I don’t blog about him personally or about the intimate details of our relationship.  I don’t write specifics about my family that aren’t commonly know facts or something I would feel comfortable saying to their face.

My family is not into this whole internet thing and my brothers have always thought and expressed how stupid they think blogging is.  I haven’t readily shared the link to my blog with family–not because I want to hide what I am writing, but because this space is mine and I’m going to write what I need to and some people don’t understand that.  This is my personal space–notice I did not say private–where I express my opinions, feelings, hopes and dreams for my kiddos, my perspective on problems, so on and so on.  This means that some people might be offended at my truth.

This post couldn’t be more innocuous.  It states simple facts–that are simple and straight forward–they are not judgements.  I don’t judge my parents because of the circumstances of my life.  They did the best they could–they were young parents and I can’t imagine raising kids at a young age and they stayed together for us as kids and they worked hard to make sure we had what we needed.  I got soccer trips and vacations, etc.  This post wasn’t about what my parents did or didn’t do; it was a post about what I did.  I will not feel bad celebrating my accomplishments.  Did my parents help me with photography school?  Yes.  Did I finish–no because I couldn’t afford it.  There are many things that my parents did–good and bad–that have made me the person I am today.  But I went back to school at 25–on my own.  I fought to raise the grades I had after getting kicked out of community college when I was 19.  I worked my ass off–going to school full-time and working full-time.  I pulled all-nighters writing papers and reading.  I bought my first computer.  These are things I did on my own and to say that doesn’t diminish the fact that my parents raised me.  It doesn’t change any of that.

There are a variety of reports–but only ~30% of PhD recipients are first-generation college students.  So out of every 100 PhD’s awarded approximately 30 or less are first-generation college students.  To get kicked out of community college (at 19) and to then persist on to a PhD is a very unlikely story.  The odds were stacked against me and I know that better than anyone.  But I fought for something I thought was immensely important.  I fought.  I borrowed and leveraged.  Maybe some would say it was foolish to borrow so much for an education.  Maybe some will say I would have been better off settling.  But I have ambitions and will follow them.  I did it to prove to myself that I could and because it is something I want.  I didn’t ask for help.  I did it on my own and I am not sorry for that.  Is that to say my parents weren’t factors?  Or my husband?  No–but they weren’t the ones doing the work.  It was me and no one can take that away from me.

This very well has cost me my relationship with one of my brothers.  That is something I will live with.  I don’t want or need someone in my life (family or not) who doesn’t respect me and judges me based on one blog post out of 905.  I will not be responsible for how others feel.  I am responsible for myself.  I considered just pulling the plug on this whole blog thing.  But no.  This is my space.  This is my life and I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.  I’m sorry if there are some who think I do.