I am working on the above three traits. I am trying to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, etc. But really, I want to find away to fix certain issues that are and have been slowly chipping away at my self-confidence, self-esteem and overall self image.
I have written previously about my struggle with weight. It is something I have struggle with my entire life (since puberty). I was lucky that growing up–I was really athletic and trim. But during my teen years the weight slowly crept on–even with all the soccer I played. I didn’t know then like I do now that this weight gain was caused in part (because I can’t lay blame outside of myself completely) by PCOS. I, like many other girls, were often at odds with my mother and my weight was often an issue. I was young when she first started in on me about my weight–14 maybe (once the effects of the PCOS started showing up). I was never perfect enough for my mother–never. I rejected all things my mother said and tried to get me to do–I wouldn’t wear make-up (unless forced or coerced with peer pressure–it was the 80’s big hair and big make-up reigned supreme in my teen years) and I ate what I wanted. It was all part of my rebellion at a young girl against a mother I resented–I won’t get into all the reasons for that resentment.
I also started to immensely and painfully dislike myself. This stemmed from a boyfriend (first really serious boyfriend–I was 15/16) who was abusive both emotionally and physically. He was also my first (and I didn’t choose for him to be). Somethings are still hard to write. I’ll get there…Maybe. This event really hurt me emotionally because his best friend was my bff’s boyfriend and talk got back to me about how bad I was in bed. Seriously–when you don’t want it and didn’t ask for it and repeatedly said no–I would think you tend not to be into it. I just wanted it to be over. But because of the abuse he inflicted upon me I felt as though I should have been “better” and much to my surprise, I still wanted him to “love” me. I know sad and pathetic. I was 16 and had been abused. Unless you have been there, you don’t understand the inability to think straight. I thought it was just the way it was.
This event snowballed and I spent lots of time trying to prove that I was “good” when I wanted to have sex. I became that girl–you know the one all the girls who weren’t having sex in high school talked about. I was smart in someways–as I never “hooked” up with any of the kids from my own school, so no one at school–except for my closest friends–knew I was that girl. Needless to say, I was really fucked-up in high school and throughout my early twenties. I drank too much, slept with too many people and slowly gained too much weight.
The weight piled on and I was still searching for someone to show me what love was. And of course I was looking in all the wrong places. At some point–I was in a relationship–I decided that it was time to finally tackle all the weight that I had put on–I weight 189 lbs at that point. I lost 25 lbs and was very happy with the way I looked. I will never be one of those stick thin types and will probably never in my life weigh less than 150lbs–I have a lot of lean muscle and am happy with that.
I met hubby then–at the lowest weight I had been in a while and I had worked really hard to get there. I stopped working out after I had been with hubby for about a year. I was hard to balance, working out, work, relationship and school. I gave up working out. The weight slowly started piling back on as I was eating bite for bite with my 6’5 man. I am not 6’5…I am not even 5’6. By the time I was ready to walk down the aisle I was weighing in over 200 lbs. That is where I stayed until I finally was mortified that I was going to push out of my size 20–no that is not a typo. I finally committed to the gym and getting in shape. I got down to a size 14 and was below 200 lbs for the first time in over 7 years. I felt great about life and was on track to hit my goal in just a few more months.
Then Minnow came home and I could only focus on him and the weight quickly crept back on–just as fast as I had lost it. I stopped exercising or paying any attention to what I was putting in my body. I still struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence. I still worry (without cause) that I am not good enough to keep a man and to have a man love me for me. Even though my hubby does, I don’t. That is what matter. I have finally gotten to a point where I realize that I matter and I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to feel good about myself.
I teach my students that who they are is not determined by what happens to them, but by how they react and what they learn. I have learned that I am not responsible for the way that others treat me. I have learned that I am worthy of love and that I can love myself.
I have committed to allow myself to become the person I am meant to be. I have the resolve to work hard at becoming that person and the strength to move those things that get in my way out of the way.
Thank you for listening…
Embracing Imperfection 