Weekend Over…

I love the weekend.  I love the weekend because Hubby is home and I get a little repreive from 24/7 parenting.  I get to do school work to my content (yes I am a total dork and love going to school–is it any wonder I’m working towards a doctorate).  I get to go to the gym when I want to not when I have to in order to fit it into a usually busy schedule.  The weekends are awesome–even though they really aren’t that different than my other days of the week. 

I am applying for a graduate research assistant position for next year.  I am nervous that I will get it and that they won’t even want to interview me.  I am nervous I will get it because for those of you who haven’t been following along, we are getting ready to bring home a new baby in June.  I am also nervous that I will get it and will be expected to do real-world academic work.  It will be awesome for me as I hope to get a job at a University on completion of my doctorate.  But then there is the whole–childcare issues, etc.  But it isn’t a full-time job (approx 20 hours) and there is a stipend for tuition and some pay involved.  So, we’ll see. 

I am nervous about not getting called for an interview, because I really really want a job in academia.  I would love not to be teaching as an adjunct at the community college.  I would love the research experience and the close work with an esteemed compositionist.  I have had her as a professor and I think that my status as a doctoral student will help me, but who knows.  I hate these moments when my insecurities kick in and make me feel unworthy of all that I have done.  As though, I am an impostor and at any moment I will be found out.  I know its crazy, but real nonetheless–even if only in my own mind. 

Well, I am going to enjoy the fleeting moments of my weekend, before it’s Monday and I have to get back to being all things to all people.  I love it when I only have to be me–even though those moments become fewer and farther between. 

How do you manage to balance only having to be you with all the other hats you wear? 

White Privilege Oblivion–Part 1

This post will be long….Be forewarned.

I think I am ready to get some thoughts down about the documentary The Color of Fear (1994).  It was a powerful movie that has forced me to look into myself and to admit that there are many things about race that I still don’t and will not be able to understand about race/racism/prejudice. 

Let me define first racism and prejudice.  The predominant social science definition of racism is that it is based in power–meaning that in our country (most of the western world) only white people can be racist as we are the ones who (as a group) hold the power in our society.  This means that there is no reverse racism–minorities by definition cannot be racist towards anyone as they do not have the power in our society–minorities can be prejudiced toward others but not racist.  I know there will be some of you that do not agree with that definition–but I do.  So it is where I operate from when I talk about racism. 

Here is the plot summary of the movie: Eight North American men, two African American, two Latinos, two Asian American and two Caucasian were gathered by director Lee Mun Wah, for a dialog about the state of race relations in America as seen through their eyes. The exchanges are sometimes dramatic, and put in plain light the pain caused by racism in North America.

I use to be of the mind that there is only one “race” and that we should really stop using the word race to define others.  I stand corrected.  There is only one “race” for me because I am white, “Whites don’t talk about themselves as white people but as human beings as if they are the same thing [white=human being]” (victor/TCoF).  I am humbled by this.  I thought I was so enlightened in my thinking.  I have often thought–naively I have now been reminded–that we are all human beings and why can’t we just all treat each other that way. 

The movie did a great job of bringing to light the often hidden white privilege.  The movie also talked about what it means to be considered American and how people of color view the word American and human being.  All of the men of color felt that to define yourself as just as an American was to lose something.  “When we [people of color] give up who we are to become Americans, we know that we are dying from it.  You’re dying from it to, but you don’t know it necessarily.  Get ethnic…” (victor).  This was a powerful moment in the film for me.  It really forced me to think about what being American is.  I consider myself lucky that I think about my ethnic heritage–Irish and German.  But it certainly isn’t part of my consciousness.  I describe myself as an American.  I never thought that the concept of being American meant something different to others. 

One of the Latino male participants brought up the presumptuousness of the term American–as everyone from North, Central and South American are technically Americans, yet we whites have taken the term America for ourselves and changed it for everyone else.  We made the term American synonymous with WHITE–making the term only apply to a small number of people who inhabit the Americas. 

I am so happy that I saw this movie.  As a white mother of a Ethiopian American, I understand the import of keeping his heritage prevalent in his consciousness.  To stop referring to him as an Ethiopian American means to deny him his sense of self.  He will always be seen as a black American or African American but the dominant culture and to deny that I am turning a blind eye(More on race labels in part 2).  I cannot afford to do that as his mother.  I have to teach him to love himself and to embrace himself not to teach him that assimilation is what he has to do.  As his parent I have to validate his experience.  I have to listen. 

We all have to listen and to validate the experiences of those different than us.  We cannot turn a blind eye because it hasn’t happened to us.  We cannot deny others the right to their heritage because it makes us uncomfortable.  Racism is essentially a white man’s issue/problem.  To say to those of color–why can’t we all just be human beings–is really saying “why can’t we all pretend to just be white?” 

As a white person living in a white community, I do not often have to deal with people of color outside of social situations (not in power relations).  But people of color always have to deal with white people in that power capacity and that influences the behavior.  To fit into corporate America ones has to effectively assimilate to white…I mean corporate culture.  To be an American is not what those of color aspire because the images of what an American is does not resemble them in anyway—doesn’t look, cry, play, etc., like them. 

To expect them to be “American” to participate in corporate culture is to strip them of their identity; thereby, making them vulnerable and stripped of all power.  As a white person, this is something that I will never have to do.  My son, as an Ethiopian American will be expected to do it.  Sadly, it will be easier for him because he will be raised in that community–but it will cause him to not fit into either community. 

We must listen.  We must validate.  We must accept.  We must support each other as we are, not as we think they should be. 

We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Program Already In Progress

I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Post-Christmas let down.  I love Christmas and the excitement that builds up to it and then in one quick moment (kinda like the first time) it is over and you are left with only the memory.  My Christmas was awesome and I certainly wish it could last longer.  I know our bank account is happy it doesn’t last longer.  It isn’t the gifts part I wish lasted, it is the holiday cheer that infects everyone.  It is the time off and the getting together with friends and family.  It is too bad that regular life gets in the way.  Oh well, until next year. 

Another contributing factor to my funk has been my laziness.  I have been busy running errands, etc., but I hadn’t seen the inside of the gym for nearly 14 days and that always makes me feel crappy.  Put on top of that all the crap I have eaten and the fact that I stopped journaling my food has made me feel–well like shit and fat.  I did get back on the horse and go spinning today and I am back on track with my food consumption.  Oh how unfair it is that we just can’t eat everything we see and not blow up like an overfilled balloon. 

Hubby has also been a little funky lately and he has a powerful aura about him.  If he is down in the dumps the whole house is buried in his depression and gloom.  He is feeling better–I am not sure but I think it is safe to say that the 72 degrees yesterday and round of golf might have contributed to his overall feeling of happiness. 

So, things are slowly getting back on track and Minnow is growing and growing and just does not stop.  He runs everywh…pardon me for this interuption, but my little Minnow just spilled a little water and then ran off and came back with a kleenex.  Wiped it up. Said “all gone” and handed me the wet kleenex.  Where did this kid come from? 

Anyway.  Minnow is all action all the time.  I have been trying to de-TVfy him.  So far, so good.  Yesterday he watched no TV at home–only a little bit at grandpa and grandma’s house.  The day before, we watched 2 episodes of Spongebob before bed.  Today so far, he has watched none.  It is going to be 73 here again today so hopefully he and I will get out and enjoy the day and he can be TV free again. 

There has been no adoption news yet.  Our director posted on our email group yesterday that there are about a dozen new babies who will be available for referral soon.  So, we could hear as early as next week sometime.  Even if it isn’t our time yet, I know we are certainly closer. 

Thanks for hanging in there. 

Holy Sh*@! If Only I Had Known

As many of you know, I have struggled with my weight for a long time.  Not only do I love food, but I also have PCOS which helps weight gain and hinders weight loss.  I have tried to do a few different weight loss plans, but none of them have really worked.  I like variety and I love, I mean L-O-V-E, love food.  So, I haven’t  been successful in the long term and it is frustrating.  I was reading an article in Women’s Health and it talked about keeping a food journal.  And how those who keep a food journal tend to be more successful than those who don’t for long term success.  I really want to make a change and lose weight, but I want the change to be forever.  I also want to feel like I can eat without feeling guilty.  I have tried (not fully committed) in the past to keep track of what I ate.  But writing food down on paper was hard, as I would often lose it and then I would have to look up what I ate in a book or online and it was very time consuming and then I would really just give up.  Well, I am in love with My Food Dairy.  It really makes things easy and it does all the math for you.  It tells you at the end of each day when you will reach your ultimate goal and a few intermediate goals.  It breaks down carbs, protein, fat, vitamins, etc.  It highlights what was good and what was bad.  It tells you what percentage of your calories come from the aforementioned categories.  It really is awesome and it is online and I can access the site from any computer.  That makes it so easy. 

Back to the title of this post…I was eating way to fucking much food.  OMG! No wonder I couldn’t lose any weight.  It was so interesting to me to see how much I was really eating.  It is insane and now I am armed with a tool that will allow me to hopefully finally be successful.  The program holds me accountable and I hate to see frowns–it gives you smiley faces for good and frowns for bad.  Amazing how something so insignificant is enough to make this overachiever work hard so the computer isn’t frowning at me. 

Oh yeah!  If I keep it up I get an iphone so it will be easier for me to track my food all the time.  How awesome is that?  Talk about incentive. 

Permanence…

I have come to the stark realization that nothing in life is permanent.  It is a sad realization as there is really no hope for me to get where I want and to then get to be lazy.  And lets be honest, I want to be lazy.  But I want all kinds of other things too–a clean floor, clean dishes, clean laundry–I mean come on I cannot keep going out and buying things because I am too lazy to walk my fat ass downstairs to start the washer or move the clothes into the dryer…etc. 

I come to this realization as I begin to return to the gym on a regular basis to try and blast away the weight I gained after I lost it before Minnow came home.  What a vicious cycle.  I have lost and gained and gained and lost and gained the same 70 or so pounds more times than I care to detail for many reasons.  But the main reason is that I get to a weight/look I like and I think that I am done.  But I am not  (same thing with laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc–seriously cannot everything just stay done!).  Everything in our world and our life is in a constant state of flux, from moment to moment things change.  Change is good and necessary, but it certainly wreaks havoc on my idea of a life of leisure. 

The idea that these things–especially weight–are in a constant state of change makes the idea of losing weight and getting back into the shape I once had is possible but it isn’t a desitination.  It is really a constant journey that requires attention and work on a continually basis.