I spent a glorious 2 hours biking close to 30 miles. I feel amazing (despite the Ben and jerry’s last night). Now enjoying some kid watching–hopscotch, bike and scooter riding with friends.
Randomness
A Comedy Of Errors
Sometimes I feel as though I have been given someone else’s life–or that perhaps I stole it. Nothing in my life is how I imagined it years and years ago when I was young and dreamy and a bit stupid about life and well, most things.
I often wonder how I go to where I am. Where I am is really awesome and I am happy but it’s just so different than what I had imagined for my life. In some ways I feel so lucky and in other ways I feel cheated and in still others deserving. It is hard to explain, but I guess what it really means is that I don’t always feel comfortable in my skin or life for that matter.
I know this is making little sense but it reminds of Shakespeare’s A Comedy of Errors, which is one of my all time favorite plays of the bard. As though I am accidentally living someone else’s life and they are living mine and one day we will run into each other and the truth will all be exposed and I’ll have to give up everything that is so awesome. It’s an unnerving feeling and I’d really like it to go away.
Maybe I feel this way because I’m getting older. Maybe I feel this way because I can actually see the end of this work that I am doing towards my PhD and reality is setting in that soon, I’ll have to get a job. Not that I don’t have a job now, but I’ll have to actually decide what I want and make decisions that will affect everyone in my life. Maybe I don’t want to have to make those decisions. Maybe my feelings of uneasiness are really feelings of fear. Fear that the degree and credentials won’t change that I’m a fake in my own world.
Too deep for a Friday
Like A Train Wreck
I went on TV yesterday. Well, actually I taped a segment that will air on TV this weekend about charter schools and why we still have them. I’m nervous. I was nervous going in but the interviewer really made me comfortable–I’m not sure this is a good thing, because I think I talked more openly than I might have otherwise–but I don’t know, because I barely remember any of it to be honest. There are a lot of lights in a TV studio and monitors and cameras and prompters. It’s all quite overwhelming if you’ve never done it before. I am already thinking of things I would have like to have said and maybe things I would have liked to have not said, but I was honest and tactful. So I guess that’s a plus. It’s a thin line that I have to walk as I work at a university with a communications department that works hard to make sure that our reputation is good and that we stay out of the news.
First thing this morning I had to email the communications people to give them a run down and I think I gave them the most accurate rundown that I could–given that I don’t remember everything we talked about or exactly what I said. But what is even more scary is that my segment was about 8 minutes. I know that doesn’t seem long–but given that most TV segments aren’t that long–it’s long and it was all me. I mean the interviewer asked questions and but it was me doing most of the talking. It was very conversational and I think I talked slowly and clearly–I did stumble over a work and I hope it doesn’t make me look like an idiot.
I don’t want to watch it. I don’t. One, being on camera under all those lights will make you never want to eat food again. Also, I am terrified that I am going to look like an idiot. I know that i am knowledgeable in my field and in many ways am somewhat of an expert in the field of education as I am getting ready to finish my PhD. But there is still part of me that is that poor kid who failed math and didn’t feel smart enough to go to college right out of high school. Those insecurities, that are quieter these days, still creep up at moments and I wonder when the world will find out that I am not PhD material. I know it’s ridiculous but it happens and it freaks me out a bit.
For those of you not in STL who want to see the segment–I MIGHT link to in on Monday–depending on how it goes/looks. Holy Shit. People will be able to watch my segment online–when ever they want for years and years to come. Yeah, it might be a total train wreck.
I Mean It–No More Booty Calls
Got your attention did I? We have all been in a relationship that went on too long–even though it was over and so not good for you. But it was easy. So much easier than working at a real relationship. Well I am in one of those relationships right now. With Sugar and junk food. I beckon when it calls–regardless of the time of day or what I am doing. And I keep saying, “I am never going to see you again.” Well then it calls and I show up. Well, it just has to stop. I feel like crap and look a bit like it too. Just like with that bad relationship (if you can even call it a relationship), I have to respect myself and tell the sugar and junk to lose my number and stop calling me.
Then you see each other at a party and it makes perfect sense to “hook-up.” It’s just this one last time. Well, that one last time lasts for years and then where are you? Right where I am actually. So sugar and junk, I am breaking up with you for good. Maybe we’ll see each other around at a party or out, but you aren’t coming with me and I won’t be paying you any attention. You don’t deserve it. What have you ever done for me other than make my ass bigger and my clothes tighter?
What do you need to say good-bye too?
Yes, That Was Me Posing As A Runner
So yesterday I decided it was time to put up or shut up. I’m either going to stay lazy and fat or get active and in shape. While the lazy sounds nice after a long day at work, I opted for active. I am back to the Couch 2 5k program. I did day one yesterday and while I will admit it was really freakin’ hard and my grandma’s motorized wheelchair could have lapped me on the running parts–and the walking parts to be honest, I have to admit that it felt great when I was done and I felt great the rest of the night. I am terribly out of shape. I use to workout 6 days a week and with a personal trainer 2 of those days and now I don’t. I have let the exercise go and it was apparent yesterday. I could have been caught and killed by a three toed sloth. I am sure it look hilarious to see me out there “running” (I don’t think I should call it that as it’s really disrespectful to all of those who really run)–I’ll call it jogging. So, I’m jogging and I feel ridiculous because I know it looks like someone running in slow motion. While I wanted to quit, because I hate when things are hard and come on–I looked idiotic, I kept going and did the whole 30 minutes of walking/pseudo-running.
I’ve tried this running thing before (not wholeheartedly) but threw in the towel because my arthritic knee was complaining. Well part of that complaining isn’t about the running–it yelling at me for carrying around the extra weight I know I shouldn’t. I am forgiving myself here for making so many wrong choices and allowing me to accept where I am today and set a trajectory to get where I want to be six months from now when I hit the big 40.
So, I’ll keep pseudo-running and attempting to look athletic and not about to die when I do it and sorry Ice cream and cookies–our love affair is over.
Embracing Imperfection 