Please let me start by reminding folks that I am an adoptive parent.  I have one son adopted from Ethiopia–home over a year and am in process of adopting a daughter from Ethiopia.  Please let me also say that these are only my views and opinions and are in no way judgements of others.  It is an exploration of my own views, motives and comfort level.  Adoption is beautiful.  Without it I would not be a parent. 

Now with that said.  November is Adoption Awareness Month.  I think it is time that we in the adoption community set forth to change the social perceptions of adoption.  Adoption is not about charity.  Adoption is not about rescuing a child.  Adoption is not about the latest social trend.  Adoption is about building families.  I did not adopt my son because I saw a child in need.  I adopted my son because I wanted to be a mother and for whatever “bigger than me” reason I cannot conceive my own child.  I wanted a child.  My act was once of selfishness not in anyway selfless.  We need to change the perception and those first comments “Your son is so lucky.”  “His life will be so much better here.”  “It is a great thing you did giving a child a home.”  “I hope he realizes one day how lucky he is.”  My comment to each one of these is that we are the lucky ones.  I am lucky that adoption exists.  My son is unlucky that our world is such that he was unable to stay with the woman who loved and nurtured him in her womb for 9 months.  My son is unlucky that he will not be raised in his birth country by people of the same beliefs and origins.  My son lost something tremendous through this process and no one ever thinks about that when they think about adoption. 

Adoption has a dark side and it is time that we as adoptive parents start talking about that.  We must help others see that our children have lost something–some of them have lost things far more than they have gained.  Once we admit and face these facts head on we can help our children heal.  Adoption is about loss and sadness as much as it is about beginnings and happiness.  I know that there are people who adopt because they feel that they are saving a child.  I have to wonder if that is the way they really feel, or if that is the socially acceptable way to talk about it when you already have biological children.  I know people have a hard time understanding adoption if it has never touched their lives.  But there must be away to change the perception that Adoption is Charity.  I don’t want my son growing up with that type of perception hanging over him. 

I know some of this perception comes from adoption fundraising.  I am not saying that people shouldn’t fundraise for their adoptions.  We all do what we need and what we are comfortable doing.  (No judgements here). It is something that I am not comfortable doing…as I wouldn’t have fundraised for my fertility treatments and I see the two as the same.  I wouldn’t ask for input to naturally have children and I didn’t ask for input for our decision to adopt.  We traditionally fundraise in our society for charities or politicians.  Fundraising to add to our families sends a message that I don’t think is especially helpful.  I do think that we can change the perceptions of adoption without putting a halt to fundraising. 

I don’t know how to change these overarching perceptions and preconceived notions that society has, but I believe it must be done.  I believe that an open and honest dialogue is the way to go.  I don’t want my son to feel like he needs to be grateful that we brought him into our family.  In order for this to be true, society has to believe it.  It is a big task, but I believe it has to happen.  It has to happen for the children.  They deserve to feel what they feel without being judged for those feelings.  They need to search and grieve, and resent (if need be) without feeling guilty that they owe us something more than any kid should be made to feel he/she owes his or her own parents. 

Suggestions??????