I have been bitchy lately. I thought it was PMS bitchy at first, but it isn’t. That is a much different type of bitchy–a much more raving lunatic type. No, the bitchy I am feeling comes from that uncomfortable, where do I fit, what is my role kind of bitchy. The honeymoon is over. I don’t think I really understood, well how could I, what it would mean to have a baby. I know my list from yesterday could have been much, much longer, but I was in a rather negative mood. I am feeling much better now that I know what the underlying cause of my bitchiness is.

In a few short months I have gone from working woman, grad student, and wife, to mother, and mother, and mother. I understand the depression women go through. I don’t know that I am depressed–I’m pretty sure that I am not. I am not sad or depressed about the adoption. Minow is the greatest thing in the world. He lights up my world like nothing else. He makes getting out of bed 3 times a night worth it.

I don’t know if there is an easy or graceful way for me to make this transition. My son is completely dependent on me. I have to take care of him all the time–I am not complaining about this. But, at this point, he is first. I cannot completely take care of him, myself, my marriage, my dogs, and my husband. Right now Minow is the priority, but because of this, I feel as though I am failing in the other catagories. I try to get to the gym, they do have day care, but it is hard, as there are so many other things that I need to do to, that it feels frivolous to work out, when the laundry hasn’t been done, and there are dishes in the sink. I also feel guilty leaving Minow in daycare at the gym, while I work out. I know that I need to find a way to take care of myself, as if I don’t then Minow will suffer.

I don’t know my role anymore. I know that I am a mother first and as long as I am taking care of Minow I am successful, but what about all the other things? I know there will be a time, when Minow is a little more independent and I can get other things done. I am just curious about what my role is and where I fit in it. I have lost many of the things that use to help define me. There really isn’t time, energy or motivation to do those things anymore. I am in a trasition period, I have a new role, new expectations, and I don’t know what to do with them all.
Motherhood is so completely life changing. I was not prepared for that. I didn’t understand the complexity of it. I knew things would be different, but I was not prepared–I don’t know that you can ever be prepared. I know I will find my place and feel comfortable, but I also know that it will take some time. I live for my son, at this moment. He is the most amazing boy. I will find a balance. It will come in time. Until then I will take care of myself as well as I can, I owe my son that.

NO ONE TELLS YOU
that you will reach a point when you can’t do it all so you just stop trying
that at 1:30am after only being asleep for 1 hour your son will not stop crying until you understand your own limits
that the love you feel for your child will trump everything else
that your mom will tell you how her way was better
that your mom will also second guess everything that you do
that it is important to schedule time for sex or you won’t have any
that if you stay home you will work more than if you still had a job
that showering really becomes a luxury
that tasting food is also a luxury
that reading for pleasure no longer will exist
that it will become normal to not be grossed out when you child poops, pees and throws up on you (all in one day)
that you will lose your ability to remember what it was like before–there is a reason for this
that you will forget that you are educated as all talk revolves around the baby
that you will lose your desire to keep up on current events–unless it is a study on sleep deprivation
that it won’t matter if you wear the same pants for 1 week
that coffee is no longer for enjoyment, but an absolute necessity
that there really is nothing better than that smile when he sees your face first thing in the morning

I love you Noah…

I would write but we are having a rare moment when he isn’t smiling….If interested http://www.finley-family.net

Well, I will post more about Ethiopia in the days to come, but I want to write about now….Tomorrow will mark the 2 week mark of being home. It is hard to believe that it has been two weeks. I really feel as thought Minow has been part of our life forever. I certainly can’t remember what it feels like to be rested…

When we got Minow on August 23 he weighed 10lbs. When he was weighed at his first doctor’s appointment this past tuesday he was tipping the scales at 13lbs 11oz. He is gaining weight well and the doc is very pleased. Of course, he is only in the 5th percentile for height and weight, but prior to us getting him he wasn’t even on the chart yet. He has had his blood worked up for just about everything imaginable–he seems to have low iron levels–I am trying to get him to eat cereal but he doesn’t quite have that figured out yet.

We dropped off his 3rd and final stool sample today and are waiting to hear the results. I am pretty sure he has something, as his poop is chunky–sorry for those of you who aren’t parents reading this. I will probably be talking about poop a lot more. It is amazing how parenthood changes what are acceptable topics of conversation. Never did I imagine I would be so comfortable talking about poop. How does that happen? It amazes me how things have seemingly changed overnight. There are actually days I don’t shower–I know it is true. I can now eat a meal in about 7 minutes. You learn to eat fast. I can pee while holding a baby–I know kinda gross, but when you are out by yourself you learn to do these things. I haven’t done laundry, everything I own in wrinkled-I guess its good that I don’t really go anywhere. I talk baby talk. I use to mock those who did this and said that I would never talk in that baby talk voice to my baby. You can’t help it. It just happens and you know what go ahead and Mock me childless folks. Your turn is coming.

I can wake from a dead sleep and navigate the kitchen and stair before I am really awake. I now think first of my son–everything else is secondary. Sorry Hubby. The world no longer revolves around me. I know it is important to put myself first and take care of myself. But I don’t see how that is even possible. This little boy needs me. He needs me to care for him, etc. He can’t care for himself yet. I promise I will put myself first at some point, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. This is probably why my pants are a little snug. I haven’t been to the gym as religiously as before. I haven’t eaten as healthy or as regularly. I will. I know I need to take care of myself. I will get there.

To those of you out there that are/were parents to infants and work/worked, kudos to you. I don’t know how you do/did it. I can barely function enough on a daily basis to get dress and minimal house work. To those of you waiting to be parents. Sleep and sleep often. Ladies, dress up and go out often. It will all change.

We woke up Wednesday feeling completely dejected. I felt that we would never get Minnow at this point. We were taken to immigration again in the morning. Surprise, Surprise the passport wasn’t ready yet. We ended up back at the hotel sans baby around 11. I can’t express how sad I was. I laid on the bed and cried. I felt that we would never get Minow. At this point I was angry that we could not postpone our trip. Of course, even if we could have I doubt that we would have. Hubby called Gail to get the scoop and try to figure out when we could really get Minnow. Gail offered that we could go to his medical appointment and then should be able to take him with us. I was still devestated. I really didn’t think that we would ever get to take Minow home. I had dreams or maybe nightmares of having to spend a month in Addis waiting to take possession of our son. Weeks and months of anticipation has converged and left me a complete and utter emotional mess. But hubby was a rock and he got me through.

So AAI’s driver picks us up for the medical appointment. There are several other children who need to get thier exams as they are all going home next week. We get in the van and Minow is there and he looks better. One of the caregivers is holding him and does not offer him to me. I am patient, even though all I want to do is rip him out of her loving arms. I don’t who I have become at this moment, but I feel an odd sensation of a mother separated from her baby. I just needed him. We arrive at a clinic and all walk upstairs. While we are waiting, the caregiver offers Minow to me. As I take him into my arms I am overcome with a feeling of serenity. I am hoping it stays. The doc is not in and we leave as quickly as we arrive. One of AAI’s workers calls and gets Minow an appointment at 3:30 at another place. We go back to Layla and wait. And. WAIT. AND. WAIT.

We do hear that Yared and Samson did get Minow’s passport. We then found out that the doctor wanted Minow back at the hospital. This was just unacceptable for us. He looked good. He was smiling and giggly and seemed so much better. At this point, we were his parents and we really felt that he belonged and needed to be with us. Hubby asked why the doctor wanted him back. The staff at AAI didn’t know and called the doc for us. He was not in so they left a message asking for him to call back. We waited. It was frustrating. It was not at all how it played on in my mind for the many months that we waited. Ah Expectations they are a tricky thing.

The doctor called back and Hubby talked to him. The doc wanted him at the hospital for observation. I think the doc thought that Minow would be coming back to Wanna. Hubby assured the doc that we would be observing him and that we would bring him back if he became feverish. That was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders to know that we would finally be able to take care of our baby.

The visit at the clinic for his medical review was interesting. We waited a long time, but finally it was all completed and we were given the order form for his embassy HIV test. We were informed then that the following two days Minow needed to get an injection of antibiotics. That would mean that I would not be able to go on the trip to the Blue Nile Gorge, but I didn’t care, because I had my son. Now all we needed to do was get his IV taken out.