I cannot stop thinking about him. I cannot stop seeing his face in my dreams–both sleeping and waking. Yeah, I’m a proficient day dreamer–that is how I got through high school. I have been doing a lot of thinking about parenting and what it means and what I will and won’t want my child to do. Reading Meepers post this morning made me consider all of the things that were okay and allowed when I was growing up in the 70’s and early 80’s are now the completely uncomprehensible. No longer does it seem to be okay to wander freely about your neighborhood–kids around our house do it, but not like we use to. No longer at age 7 are children allowed to ride on mom or dad’s lap and steer the car through a park, etc. Oh how I loved those saturday afternoons at the Elk reserve when dad let us all take turns riding on his lap and steering the car. It was a coming of age experience and I felt so in control of my self. These experiences really taught kids something. These are the same experiences that our over protected kids no longer get to have.

As things have changed so greatly in parenting, whom do we look to for guidance? My mom was feeding us cereal and food before we were 4 months. I was gumming pizza at 6mos. Who has the new appropriate/acceptable answers to those quandries that new parents today find themselves faced with? I am happy to be a mom. I am happy that things are safer for my son. But I am sad that some of that innocent freedom I had as a child is now gone and Minow will never get to have those moments.

Well the reality is times have changed. There are more known dangers and there are more people watching than use to be. The other reality is that we are leaving to pick up our son in just 3 days. On Saturday we leave. I will meet my son for the first time on Monday. Am I ready? Is anyone ever ready? Can you acutally be ready? I will be ready for the travel, but now realize I cannot prepare for being a mom. I am commited and ready to be a mom and that is as ready as I can be. That is a comforting feeling. I don’t feel prepared because I really can’t be. Whew!!

ME. After reading the comments about my “cool” head and “zen”ness I had to re-read my post from yesterday. I certainly sounded like I have it all together. I am really a jumbled mess. I am not sure if I am coming or going. I woke up last night about 2am and didn’t fall back asleep until after 4am. I just laid in bed and tried to think about what it would feel like to hold Minow for the first time. I fretted about installing the car seats and how long he would sleep in the pack-n-play bassinet in our bedroom. I tried to picture him in all his new clothes. I am really nervous, but I can’t seem to shake this excitement that is totally overwhelming the nervous feelings–other than my unstoppable figeting. I cannot stop moving–well that should be good for burning off a few extra calories.

So please don’t be fooled by my cool exterior. I am giggling like a teenage girl who has her first real crush and he likes me back. My hubby is getting nervous. He hopes that we are going to take everything we need, etc. I am brimming with a ton of undescribable emotion and I really hope that it doesn’t go away…

until we leave to pick up Minow (Miny Noah). I have been reading the latest updates on the British Airways site every chance I get. It appears we will be allowed a small carryon now. The size of a small laptop case. I am not sure what size that really is. But I don’t care, as now I can atleast carryon my cameras–I was not looking forward to having to check those. I wanted to video some of our flight over to have full coverage or our”delivery”. I am planning to repack today, and tomorrow. I need to unpack the diaper bag and put all of that in our checked luggage. But atleast I can carry on essentials.

I am starting to get really excited now, as the nervousness wanes. There are still things that I am not sure about, like how many bottles I will need, and how often the little one will want/need to eat. Should I take cereal to feed him too, or just wait to do that until I am home with him? There are so many things that I am just not sure about. But I know that I will make it through. Millions of women have done this before me and millions will do it after me and the human race has survived. I can do it.

5 more days. Wow–and this one is close to being over.

and keep sleeping baby boy, mom and dad are coming soon. Thanks MP

This story is a reminder of what our child might be leaving behind. Only being a week away from travel this story touched me in a way that I cannot at this point articulate. I am sad for my son that he could not stay with his birthmother. I am sad for my son that he will never know her. I am sad for my son because he will not have the opportunity to know his birthfamily. I am sad that I will have to someday tell me and explain to him that we do not know anything about the woman who gave birth to him. I am sad for my son that he will forever have a hole in his heart that I will not be able to fill. I can only hope to help him heal when the time comes.