to the next stage of my life. I have been single, married, and
now am ready to be a mother in action. I thought I would post the newest picture I have of our little Noah Hojawaka. This is the picture that was included with the hard copy of our referral. He is adorable. One of my students just left with her 2 month old preemie. It was so nice to get to hold a baby. It made me feel closer to my little guy. I can’t wait to get a hold of him.

I must stop obsessing. I have to get back on track. My weight loss has come to a grinding halt. Working out and eating healthy has taken a backseat to my dreaming and obsessing about my baby and future as a parent. I need to get back on track. I need to finish my kitchen so that I can cook at home and get some sort of a normal functioning house back. I have to work it in overdrive. I am having a jewelry party next week. Something I was totally not really ready to do. But I have to now. I do best under pressure. At least that is what I tell myself. That means we have to install the sink and dishwasher by tomorrow so that I can start with the tile backspash before we screw downt the countertops and then we have to set the other cabinets before I can start to lie/lay (Again and English teacher and I always forget which one is right in which usage situation) the tile floor. I need that done on Saturday so that we can start to put the kitchen back together so that it is ready for me to cook food for the party that I am having. You would think that as busy as I am I wouldn’t have time to obsess about Noah and how he is doing and what new things is he trying, etc.

I only have 6 more days of work and then summer school–so I only have to work a total of 6 more weeks. I am so ready to be done. I am so frustrated with my school and its total lack of central authority and its blatant subversive nature towards education. I teach in a lower middle class all black community and the students have such different values than I do. It is really starting to get to me. I need them to value education and many of them don’t and that makes it nearly impossible for me to teach them as they aren’t all the receptive to anything academic. I am ready to be done working. I am ready to say goodbye to this chapter of my life and start a whole new book. The end of this story/phase is emminent and the new one really has started.

that was a great show…Now that isn’t really what I am talking about, but it made me smile. Not that I need any help with smiling these days. I have been a compulsive smiler for a long time. My students hate it because I even smile when I am mad at them or grading thier poor excuse for formal writing. But ever since we were blessed with a baby boy the smile has grown bigger and slightly goofier as well. I am so excited I can’t even been swayed by the tiny smile lines that are growing each day. Who cares.

This weekend, for mother’s day, hubby and I put together our welcome bag for our little Noah. He really isn’t old enough to understand what it is, but I am so thankful that AAI allows this amount of contact because it really allows us to bond with him from half way around the world. We sent a cute little cardinals outfit–we are big baseball fans here in St. Louis. Noah even already has a St. Louis Cardinal Build-a-Bear teddy. I now have to try to be patient as I wait to know that it arrived to the wonderful traveler who is going to take it to him for us. Then I have to wait to get a picture of him with his stuff. We sent a small photo album that is really more of a toy than anything. I know that he really isn’t old enough to see the pictures and make out anything other than fuzzy colors but again it is really for the parents more than the infants.

I was naive going into this whole post-referral wait. Now, don’t get me wrong I want to hold my baby in my arms, but I can deal with not being able to yet. As we aren’t really ready at home for him to arrive yet. The thing that is really hard is not having consistent updates. I know that in a couple of weeks I should get an update as to how he is doing and maybe a new picture, but that just seems so long. I want to see how he is growing. There are families traveling soon and I am hoping that that they will take pictures of our little one-and hold him and love him. I feel good knowing that he is at Wanna and is receiving really great care, but it isn’t me who is caring for him. How I want him to come home. I am an obssessive planner and researcher–I am not quite the executor of the plans but I certainly can make plans. I have been number crunching to get an idea of when we may get assigned a group, get a court date, and a travel date. I am making myself crazy.

Hmmm…Maybe that is why I can’t stop smiling…

It was nice to be a Mom on Mother’s day. Everyone kept telling me to enjoy this one, as the next one won’t be as relaxing. Well who cares. The last 34 years have been relaxing. I am looking forward to being a mom for the rest of my life. I will never know what it is to not be a mother again. That is a daunting thought. I am a mother now and forever.

My husband bought me a beautiful Noah’s Ark picture frame and put a picture of our beautiful Noah in it. It was the most precious thing ever. I can’t wait to finish Noah’s room and put it in there. Both of my parents bought me a small token in honor of my new status as Mom. My mom bought me a baby photo album, which I cannot wait to fill, and my father and his girlfriend gave me a hanging plant. I will water and care for it and watch it bloom as I wait to pick up my baby who is being fed, cared for and watched until he is offically ours.

On a more practical note, hubby and I finished install 2/3 of our kitchen cabinets. It was an intense 2 days of work, but wow–kitchen cabinets are wonderful. We had none before. We are putting in the countertops tonight on the part that is finished. Then later in the week we are ripping out the sink and putting up the cabinets on that side of the kitchen. It will be great when all is said and done. Of course there is still painting to finish, then tile to lay, etc. But it is all worth it because that must be finished before I can begin work on the nursery. I am dying to do that. I cannot wait to get my hands on Noah’s room.

I am humbled by your strenght and honor. It takes a strong woman to understand and admit that they cannot care and provide for their baby the way he should be cared for. You obviously thought it through and knew what you were doing. I know you did it for you son and not for you. Your strength overwhelms me. Your courage inspires me. You have given my husband and I the greatest gift in the world. We will honor you. Your son will know that you loved him so much that you knew you couldn’t raise him. He will know you courage, bravery and strength. I will raise a strong man. He will know where he came from. We will take him home to Ethiopia as often as we can. I promise to give him all the love he needs and more. I will teach him humility, respect, kindess. I will help him know the importance of helping others. I will most of all teach him that love is the way.
Happy Mother’s Day. Without your honor and strength I would not be celebrating today.

I don’t know exactly how I feel about this whole having to wait thing. I know, from Merrily, that I will not really hear anything until the case is ready to be filed in court. It just seems sureal to not know what is going on but to know something is going on. It is like being called to the principals office and seeing him in there talking to your partner in crime or you the parent and the student who recently failed your class and not being able to hear what is being said. You know they are planning and preparing to deal with you but you aren’t sure how it is all going to go down. That is the exact feeling I have now. I know the wheels are in motion but is it a good motion? a fast motion, a slow motion, or a “don’t know where we are going” motion? The sad part about this is, it simply doesn’t matter. No amount of obsessing will bring my child one day closer to being home, and yet I simply can’t help myself. I am hoping to get through court before the closure. I think/hope that our chances are pretty good, as we accepted him right away and I scanned and emailed the placement agreement immediately so that the ball could get moving. WOW. The ball is moving and I have nothing to contribute to it movement, course and speed.

So what did I do? I registered at Babies R Us. Oh what fun it was. Oh how hard it was. There is a lot of stuff out there, and a bunch that really doesn’t seem all that necessary. But I registered for what I really thought I needed and things I am pretty sure that I will need in the future but may not have the time nor money to buy. So we shall see how it all works out.

I am creating a book for baby Noah. It will contain the info we received on him, his first blood test results and subsequent results. The first pictures and my first thougts and feelings about our son and my new role as mom. Then as we get pictures from others and have events and showers, and parties etc. I can document those for him. It makes me feel good to be doing something.