Babies Everywhere…Thankfully Not For Me

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 7 Comments

I am surrounded by babies and people having babies.  It doesn’t bother me.  I am really happy for all of families bringing new children into the world and their families.  I have long ago dealt with my infertility.  I no longer feel a tug when I see a pregnant woman.  I no longer ache when I see a new mother leave the hospital with their just days old baby.  Organizing baby clothes to sell no longer makes me feel as though I am losing something. 

I know I have posted before about our desire to expand our family.  And this is still true.  I long for a bigger family.  I dream of a bigger family.  I have nightmares about more babies.  I know this sounds weird, but I have to admit that my least favorite part of child rearing so far has been the baby stage.  I love my kids and I love them so very completely but if I would be perfectly happy to not have to mother another baby.  Am I the only one?

Recently, I was at my cousin’s wedding shower and and she had her 6 week old baby girl there.  Everyone was passing her around and I was lucky enough to be at the shower sans children.  My aunts looked to me and asked me if I wanted to hold the baby.  I thought for a second and kindly said “No.”  I didn’t want to hold the baby.  I had not one bit of desire to hold the baby. 

I am in such a weird space right now with the whole mom thing.  Not a question for a second about being a mom.  But questioning if it makes me a bad mom to not like babies?  I know that might sound weird but, I really don’t have the desire to have or adopt more babies.  I am comforted by the fact that my husband feels the same way.  We plan to adopt an young sibling group when Noah is 5 or 6.  We want to keep him as the oldest.  I am excited about our plans for expanding our family and am pleased that it doesn’t involve monts and months of feedings every 2-3 hours.  I know that adopting “older” children has its own problems and issues, but I feel much more equipped to deal with those and more willing to deal with those than with what a baby brings to the mix. 

How much my thinking has changed simply by experiencing motherhood.

I Admit It….Sugar Really Is Evil

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

So, I have started another attempt to shed the extra 100lbs I am carrying around.  I know, I know.  Enough already.  But here it goes.  I have tried many differet programs and have only half-heartedly followed them for a few weeks here and there.  The problem was that none of them forced me to make a lot of real changes.  I need accountablity and I need real accountability.  Weight Watchers doesn’t work for me because the accountability is anonymous and you don’t have to go to a meeting–you can skip it.  Adjusting my own diet–doesn’t really work either because again no real accountability.

Three years ago I dropped just over 50lbs in 6 months on a nutrition and exercise program–I met with a nutrition counselor (he was a self-touted nutritionist–but wasn’t really) and worked out with a trainer–who was totally awesome.  After 6 months I was pretty sure I had it all figured out and as much as  I hate to admit it–I really disliked the nutrition kid.  I can call him that because at the time he was a college kid who had dropped well over 100lbs and was selling his success as something that work for everyone.  I just didn’t feel like the program was really designed for me as an individual client–but rather a one-size fits everyone who wants to lose weight.  I went back to my old habits and ended up gaining most of the weight back.

Fast forward to today and I am still unhappy and unhealthy.  So, I talked to my trainer and found out that he and another trainer were leaving the gym and opening their own private training studio.  I was eager to sign up and get back into shape.  I want to be in the best shape of my life by the time I am 40.  I still have a ways to go and some demons to confront and overcome and some hard truths to face and own up to.  I have been working out with my trainer for 3 weeks now and I have to say that he totally kicks my ass every time and its awesome.  I am working out harder than ever and have a nutrition coach that I like and who is really all about designing a food program for me.  So far, so good.  Lost 3.5lbs the first week and have more energy than ever.

Which leads me to the title of this post.  This week I haven’t had any unnatural sugar–I have had fruit, etc but no refined sugar of any kind.  Today I caved and had two small packages of fruit snacks.  I just have to say that I feel like shit.  My stomach hurts and I am feeling quite lathargic.  I really wanted to write this down because I want to remember how I feel and that 200 calories of nothing but sugar–isn’t good for anyone.

Humdrum

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 2 Comments

Life is kinda boring and humdrum these days.  Not much going on other than school, work, kids and really how much can I write about them?  Just joking–consider this entire blog is pretty much dedicated to those 3 things. 

I haven’t heard from any more school districts and know that a lot of districts won’t begin the whole interviewing process until May–but that doesn’t make me feel any better knowing that some of the student teachers this semester already have interview with other districts–ones that I also applied to.  I’m just more expensive than they are. 

I also applied for a graduate assistantship and have to admit that while it doesn’t pay much it is my first choice, since my future career is to be a professor and not a high school teacher.  Getting an assistantship would help me considerably in the future with securing a university position.  I sadly didn’t get an assistantship in my area, but the associate dean of the college of education was so impressed with me and my cv that she found another possible assistantship working with charter schools.  I am interviewing for that assistantship next Thursday.  I am hoping I get this position as it is working with a world-class professor and it will allow me to get much needed experience in the world of academia so that when I finally have that PhD, I can get a job. 

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On another note–I dare say that Noah is potty-trained as far as peeing goes.  The rest–quite another story.  If he is wearing underwear he’ll ask for a pull-up to poop.  He wants to poop on the toilet but hasn’t quite gotten the hang of it.  I think he will soon. 

His sister on the other hand is a piece of work.  She is a pistol.  I wish she was starting to talk more–she’s a screamer and is happy to just scream.  She’s cute and has that going for her.  I am sure she’ll talk soon, but she isn’t babbling as much as Noah did and I think part of that is due to the fact that her brother actually never shuts up and the only way for her to get a word in is to scream as loud as she can.  We’ll see how that develops.  She is almost 18 months and I would certainly like to see her start to talk more. 

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One week from tonight I will be in New Orleans for a weekend with my hubby and best friend and without my kids.  Is it wrong to be as excited as I am?

Tuesday Already

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

How fast the time seems to go.  We  had an amazingly busy weekend.  I did engagement photos for a couple whose wedding I am shooting in October–a little nervous about that–but I know it will go well.  And it was such a beautiful day that we went to the zoo afterwards and had a great time. Then a wedding–kids spent the night at grandpa and grandma’s and then Easter, etc. 

Thank you everyone for all the job hunting tips and votes of confidence.  Things are looking up.  I applied for a graduate assistantship this year and while I didn’t get one of those I originally applied for–all the student who held those returned again this year–the associate Dean of the College of Education has recommended me for another assistantship working with charter schools.  I am interviewing for that assistantship next week on Thursday.  I am hopeful–even though it is basically no money, it is the best thing for me in the future.  I don’t know any details about the assistantship but assume it will be a full-time assistantship which requires a 20hr per week commitment and I have to be enrolled in at least 2 classes as a student.  The good thing about assistantships is that they generally will carry through until graduation.  I am still applying for high school positions and a few community college positions that are open, but I want the assistantship.  It will pay for Noah’s school and for Zoë’s day care.  I will also be able to teach a class or two at Flo as well to help make a little extra money.  I am exhausted from the job search process and am hoping it comes to an end soon. 

The semester is quickly coming to an end and I have so much work to do–papers to grade, papers to write, etc.  I should be doing homework right now. 

Here are a few pics of our Easter day.  No, Zoë didn’t have an Easter dress.  We aren’t religious people and don’t attend church, so I saw no need at all for her to get all fancied up in a dress for an afternoon at my grams house.