Please let me start by reminding folks that I am an adoptive parent. I have one son adopted from Ethiopia–home over a year and am in process of adopting a daughter from Ethiopia. Please let me also say that these are only my views and opinions and are in no way judgements of others. It is an exploration of my own views, motives and comfort level. Adoption is beautiful. Without it I would not be a parent.
Now with that said. November is Adoption Awareness Month. I think it is time that we in the adoption community set forth to change the social perceptions of adoption. Adoption is not about charity. Adoption is not about rescuing a child. Adoption is not about the latest social trend. Adoption is about building families. I did not adopt my son because I saw a child in need. I adopted my son because I wanted to be a mother and for whatever “bigger than me” reason I cannot conceive my own child. I wanted a child. My act was once of selfishness not in anyway selfless. We need to change the perception and those first comments “Your son is so lucky.” “His life will be so much better here.” “It is a great thing you did giving a child a home.” “I hope he realizes one day how lucky he is.” My comment to each one of these is that we are the lucky ones. I am lucky that adoption exists. My son is unlucky that our world is such that he was unable to stay with the woman who loved and nurtured him in her womb for 9 months. My son is unlucky that he will not be raised in his birth country by people of the same beliefs and origins. My son lost something tremendous through this process and no one ever thinks about that when they think about adoption.
Adoption has a dark side and it is time that we as adoptive parents start talking about that. We must help others see that our children have lost something–some of them have lost things far more than they have gained. Once we admit and face these facts head on we can help our children heal. Adoption is about loss and sadness as much as it is about beginnings and happiness. I know that there are people who adopt because they feel that they are saving a child. I have to wonder if that is the way they really feel, or if that is the socially acceptable way to talk about it when you already have biological children. I know people have a hard time understanding adoption if it has never touched their lives. But there must be away to change the perception that Adoption is Charity. I don’t want my son growing up with that type of perception hanging over him.
I know some of this perception comes from adoption fundraising. I am not saying that people shouldn’t fundraise for their adoptions. We all do what we need and what we are comfortable doing. (No judgements here). It is something that I am not comfortable doing…as I wouldn’t have fundraised for my fertility treatments and I see the two as the same. I wouldn’t ask for input to naturally have children and I didn’t ask for input for our decision to adopt. We traditionally fundraise in our society for charities or politicians. Fundraising to add to our families sends a message that I don’t think is especially helpful. I do think that we can change the perceptions of adoption without putting a halt to fundraising.
I don’t know how to change these overarching perceptions and preconceived notions that society has, but I believe it must be done. I believe that an open and honest dialogue is the way to go. I don’t want my son to feel like he needs to be grateful that we brought him into our family. In order for this to be true, society has to believe it. It is a big task, but I believe it has to happen. It has to happen for the children. They deserve to feel what they feel without being judged for those feelings. They need to search and grieve, and resent (if need be) without feeling guilty that they owe us something more than any kid should be made to feel he/she owes his or her own parents.
Suggestions??????
Embracing Imperfection 
Agreed. I just explained away an “I think what you did was great” that came from our nanny yesterday. She understood 100% once I explained our decision process, but explaining the whole process to every random schmoe who pulls the “I think did a great thing” card isn’t exactly feasible. It would probably easier to explain the sadder, darker side of adoption, but I’m not about to bring out those things in front of the kids every time a complete stranger says I’m a “good” person for adopting.
You are absolutely right that adoption has an element of parental selfishness: I wanted more children, I didn’t want to be pregnant, and my environmental conscious said “No more baby making to add to this over-populated world.” So adoption it was. And I am definitely the lucky one in the process.
The fundraising thing is tricky. We had a couple of huge yard sales to help cover the cost of plane tickets, but we didn’t openly advertise that the money was specifically for an adoption. We mentioned it to friends and family, and several of them donated stuff to be sold, but it wasn’t what I would call overt fundraising. I don’t know exactly how I feel about the fundraising, but I think I’m more comfortable with the idea of fundraising for an adoption because I don’t put fertility treatments and adoption on the same page. Birth, fertility treatment, and adoption are all intended to lead to the same “end product”: a child. Health insurance plans cover birth, and some health insurance plans cover fertility treatments. I have never heard of a health insurance plan that covers adoption. Additionally, (and this is going to sound harsh) I think I’m more comfortable with fundraising for an adoption because the probability of having a child at the end of the process is much higher for an adoption than it is for fertility treatment. That said, I do think you’re right that the fundraising adds to the idea of adoption as charity. And I’m sure that part of my bias in favour of adoption is because I’ve never had to undergo the pain of infertility. My husband and I are two people who are completely capable of having biological children, but we’ve chosen not to. That’s another societal concept we need to contend: the idea that adoption is a “second choice” or “plan b” and is therefore not as good as having biological kids.
As for suggestions to change how society views adoption…what if I make a big huge very realistic hand and just smack everyone into the right frame of mind? Sound feasible? Yeah, I thought so.
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I absolutely agree with you in many ways and I think that you articulated very well the quiet fundraising vs. overt fundraising. I think it is the overt fundraising that involves “strangers” and publicity that puts more of a charitable spin on adoption. Adoption really is such a complicated process, with many motivators behind it that it is difficult to talk about it with strangers and certainly not in too much detail in front of kids, as their story belongs to them and they need to know that.
Maybe if my ins company covered any infertility treatments I might feel differently, but I think because IVF and adoption are the only possible ways for us to have children and adoption certainly is the only guarantee of a child, I would feel strange overtly fundraising. But I must say I am not against accepting money for either. My MIL paid for our plane tickets to Ethiopia. It was a very awesome gift and gesture as was her travelling with us.
I will get on trying to find that huge realistic hand. I absolutely think that is a good a place to start as any.
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so the ‘he is so lucky’ comment is the one I get the most. And, yes, it annoys me. I have responded with, ‘I think we are really the lucky ones,’ but what I really want to say is ‘oh really, I tend to think he would have been a lot luckier if he had never needed to be adopted in the first place.’ But of course I’m too big a wimp to actually say this…
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I think a lot of the concept of adoption being charity has come from Christians. I myself am a Christian, and I have seen a lot of it in my church and friends. While my first and foremost reason for adopting was to have a child (my husband and I are unsure if we are infertile, but felt the call to adopt), I did also think about helping a child. I think it is ok to feel that way, as long as that is not your only or primary reason for adopting. I think if that is your reason for adopting, it can lead to unrealistic expectations and can be unhealthy for the child. I want my son to feel like he is my son, not my charity case. But, I can’t help also remembering that while it would have been awesome if he could have stayed with his birth family in his birth country, I can’t imagine him still left in that orphanage without no family at all. So, I think it is ok to have a little balance of both. I to, have a weird feeling about fundraising or asking for money. We did not do that for our adoption, it just didn’t sit well in my stomach to do that. Thanks for the post, it made me think, maybe I’ll post something on my blog when I’ve sorted out my own thoughts.
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Sarah–I might be too much of a wimp to say that too, but I might try it next time.
Kristen,
I agree with you that there is something incredibly special about giving a child a home who does not have one. I too think it would great if all children could be raised by their parents, but understand that that is not always possible or even desired. I think adoption is special as it gives to those who want a child and it also gives the child a home and a family which every child needs and deserves. I think the problems arise when we only talk about the one side. You are very right in the idea of maintaining a balance about the reasons and in what is expressed to the child. Without the kindness of people taking in a child that was not created by them in the literal sense, adoption wouldn’t even be an option. I am thankful that it is.
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I don’t know how I stumbled upon your blog, but on the basis of this one post along, I’m linking and hope that’s OK. I’m also looking forward to catching up on your adoption writing.
I’m absolutely 100% with you on this. Adoption is most definitely not charity.
Thanks for verbalizing so well what’s been in my head for ages!
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