Well yesterday was day number 252 that we have been waiting for a referral.  I really thought that we would have our referral already.  I am sad that we don’t.  Really sad.  I know that we should be hearing soon.  But I just don’t know what soon is.  Our agency director is back and I thought for sure we would have heard already about our referral.  It makes me slightly anxious to be waiting and knowing that it is forth coming. 

I am slowly getting frustrated at the wait.  I know it is no ones fault.  There is no one to blame that we are having to wait but my feelings are what they are.  I then in turn feel guilty that I am waiting for a child to be given up by their birth parent(s).  That I am hoping for this to happen.  How messed up is that?  I mean really.  Adoption is for more difficult emotionally once you start really thinking about it than I can imagine pregnancy to be.  I can only add to my family because another family cannot stay together.  That is so sad. 

To the birthmother of my little daughter (an my already adopted son), I am so sorry for the tragedy in your life that has made you choose adoption.  I can only imagine how hard the choice was for you.  It is a brave choice.  It is a choice that I wish didn’t have to be made. Please know that your child will be loved and will be reminded of his beginnings and will be taught to honor you through our own example of honoring you.  You have given us the greatest gift anyone could give another person.  You have given us the gift of life.  We will be forever grateful for this gift.  There are no words to properly express our feelings for you.  But know that we love you and will teach and encourage our children to love you as well. 

To compound on these feelings of frustration and sadness the come with the adoption process, winter is kicking my ass.  I am so very tired of winter.  It was snowing again this morning–just flurries and they are gone now–but it is cloudy and cold again.  This winter has been hard because not only has it been cold but it has been without sunshine for a great majority of the time.  I don’t mind the cold, but what I can’t stand is the cold and the cloudy. I am having some serious winter blues.  I am so ready for spring.  I am thinking that I just might go back to San Diego until the sun decides to take up residence here again. 

To make matters worse, I am getting a bit of a cold–so I don’t have the energy or drive to work out and when I am feeling down–well I eat.  I eat cookies, brownies, bread…all the shit that makes me feel bloated and like crap.  So, I feel worse but I can’t seem to stop myself, because I am too sad and frustrated to care.  OMG.  Just let me have some sunshine and my referral already….