Being an Adoptive Parent (AP) is not always easy. I think a lot more about the types of experiences that I give my son and worry that his world is too white. I keep telling myself that I need to find diverse places to take him so that he isn’t always the only child of color in the room. I struggle with that, especially where I live, because our city is pretty segregated not just by skin color but also by socio-economic status (SES). I have worried for many a day and night that I was not doing right by my son, because most of his interaction are with white kids and white adults. But I have to admit that that is his world and I can’t change his world.
I have had a change of heart/intellect/outlook. A few weeks ago in my social justice class we had an amazing speaker come and share his heartbreaking story with us. He is a gay man who lived his first 50 years of life as a straight man. He finally couldn’t take it anymore and came out to his wife and then had to come out to his two children–I think they were like 8 and 12 or something at the time. He talked about how hard it was for his older daughter and how it was less difficult for his younger daughter. His younger daughter had a support group at her elementary school for children who were suffering a divorce in the family and in this group his daughter found a companion/friend whose parents were also divorcing because her father was also gay. She had someone who was going through the exact same thing that she was.
His older daughter didn’t have such a support group nor did she know anyone whose parents separated because one of them came out. It was very hard on his older daughter–she attempted suicide at 17 and struggled with it until she was a freshman in college and met a girls whose mother was gay. She found a friend who could understand how she felt and what she struggled with. His daughters now go with him when he speaks (if they can) and they have a really strong relationship. I cried in the car on the way home, thankful that we live in a world that is more tolerant and open and people have more opportunity to be who they are, but I also cried because I learned an immensely important lesson that will benefit my children for the rest of their lives.
My son doesn’t need other black friends. He needs other black friends whose parent are white. And ideally, he needs others adopted from Ethiopia who have white parents. He needs those who he can identify with. He will not necessarily identify with American blacks that live with their black parents/grandparents. Their struggles are not his (aside that he will be identified as an American black) and his struggles were certainly not be theirs. This made things so much clearer for me and cemented my desire to stay in close contact with his Wannamates and their families and also all the families in my area who have and are adopting for Ethiopia. It is so important that we provide our adopted children of color with others who are the “same” as them. So, for those of you out there who worry that your community doesn’t have much diversity, don’t worry as much–find a family or two who also have adopted from Ethiopia and begin to build bonds and relationships–your children will thank you as they get older.
It isn’t about looking the same–its about sharing an experience–having a commonality. That is what I have to give my son and daughter. Thank you to those of you who are part of this shared experience of our children.
On a side note, I am going to start a new weekly posting here on Thursday. Called Ordinary Life Thursday. I am basing this on the book…Encyclopedia of An Ordinary Life. It is a hilarious book about the ordinary events of everyday life. It is a writing exercise for myself and something to help me post more often. So what I need from you dear readers are a list of ordinary places/events/words. I will start with the letter A. Please leave your words in my comments and if I use yours there will be prizes….
Embracing Imperfection 
Hi there, I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and have very much enjoyed your wit (still laughing at mama has obligations- don’t judge). I have two children through adoption- one African American, the other Ethiopian and this is a subject that I also think about daily as I live in a very caucasian part of Canada. While I agree with you that it is most important that our children be able to connect with other adoptees of African descent, I don’t think that it means that our children don’t need other black friends outside of the adoption community. I think that there is alot of value in our children being able to see and connect with the black community on a larger scale. I disagree that their struggles won’t be the same as other black people. While there will certainly be some differences in the struggles, there will be many the same. When our children leave the house without us, they are not seen as black people with white parents, they are seen as black people. Period. There is unfortunately so much judgment that comes along with this.
Perhaps you’ve already read this book, but if not I highly recommend Black Baby White Hands by Jaiya John.
Thanks for the post- it’s always great to know that others are thinking about these issues as well! 🙂
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So, the ordinary A word that comes to mind first is ASS. 🙂 for oh so many reasons: Ordinary everyday dreadful diaper-changin ass wipin’; the ordinary everyday interaction with persons who can be asses at times; the political symbol donkey/ass; the everywhere ya look in Ethiopia presence of donkeys aka asses; and, needin’ a can of whoop ass on any given ordinary day. I’ll stop there!
Look forward to your posts for this new theme. sounds fun.
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Courtney–it is very true that without us they will be seen as black and just as that. My view is slightly different because I live in an urban area that has a huge black population. I am also a teacher and have spent my entire teaching career teaching in nearly entirely black schools. Their struggles are different than what my sons will be–partially because of where we live and our socio-economic status. I certainly do think that it will be important for my children to have contact and friends that are black regardless–but when it comes to that trying time in life when they are trying to form an identity they need those with a shared experience to help them through it.
I agree with the judgment that will be thrust upon them too–but again with where we live–much of that judgement isn’t unique to skin color–but behavior, dress, attitude, etc.
Thank you for reading and for your insights. I appreciate them…
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Thanks for posting this today, of all days. Our oldest daughter has been home from China for more than three years now. Every year, our travel group of 13 families holds a reunion one weekend in the summer. We’ve gone every year, but have been waffling on whether we want to go this summer, or ever again. Nothing dramatic has happened and we always enjoy the time with the other families, but we’re all very different people and probably wouldn’t be friends if not for this shared experience. We are also going back to China (hopefully this summer) to bring our new son home, so it’s also a timing issue this year. It just seems easier to let this yearly reunion go, rather than spending the money, re-arranging our schedule, and making the effort to go (it’s not a local event). The only thing that is making us feel like we need to go is the fact that these girls have known our daughter, S, longer than we have. She enjoys them and calls them her “China sisters.” Your post just really reminded me how important these girls are in her life and what a wonderful source of support they could be to each other as they grow into young women. But, the only way our daughter will have that is if we suck it up and force ourselves to participate, even when we’d really rather be doing something else. I guess we’re going to Reunion 2008!
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I agree with you and the comments. I am so looking forward to our next EKC get-together. And, it will do wonders for our children to have others in families like theirs to relate to over the years. And I do mean years – we’re in this for the long haul. 🙂
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I guess I feel extra-lucky; I feel like we Wanna-festers would have been friends had life brought us together under different circumstances.
Regarding our kiddos – another thing that I think is very important, along the lines of this subject, is that they do not grow up feeling like the “exception” to their race. We have been very fortunate in having some amazing adult African-American role-models involved in our children’s lives. It takes a village, that’s for sure!
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What a great post. Thank you!
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