Nothing puts strain on a marriage like adding a child to the mix(I am sure that there are other things that do, but this is my experience). Not because one wanted kids and the other didn’t, but because each child you add takes away from time and energy one could have devoted to their spouse. I am feeling the strain. It’s not awful, but we are both a little quicker to anger this time around. It was like this in the early days with Minnow but not as severe. I was happy to see him leave for work today. Now, please don’t get me wrong I love my husband. He is a great husband and an awesome father. We are both tired and cranky and feeling the stress of a second child and one who we are still getting to know and figure out.
It doesn’t help that Hubby’s company has recently been merged with a larger company and his job is a little undefinable at the moment and he feels as though he has no control over his life. I know that this will pass and that our relationship will be stronger on the other side of this, but now right in the middle of the transitions–it’s really hard.
I know I am not responsible for my husband’s happiness, but I think most women feel that we carry the burden of our husband’s happiness at home. I need to resolve these feelings because I really need to focus on my own happiness which is fleeting most of the time as the stress of keeping up with my kiddos and my house as well as taking care of me. I haven’t done much taking care of me, which means I am not that pleasant to be around either. Hubby at least has that going for him, he’s been playing golf as much as possible lately.
We were talking last night…
“I had such a great weekend honey”–hubby said.
“I’m glad”–I responded sincerely.
“Didn’t you have a great weekend?”
“I don’t have weekends–I have days and they are pretty much the same.”
And that’s true and I am glad that I don’t have to shuffle them off to daycare and then pick them up and feel pressured to spend quality time with them, finish school work, spend time with husband, etc. But, I think this is what people who don’t stay home with their kids don’t seem to understand completely. Staying at home is hard for so many reasons, but for me the hardest is that everyday is a workday. There is no weekend. There is no vacation. My job follows me to the bathroom, to bed, to the store, on vacation.
My husband doesn’t seem to understand that as he feels as though he also works all the time–being dad when he is home. It isn’t the same and I think I am a little resentful that he thinks it is. I know his job is hard and stressful and that there is a lot of pressure on him–being the only one who makes money–but there is also a lot of pressure on being a mom. I am responsible for my kids and their behavior and their well-being and it is not something I can ever get away from. Even if I had a job.
I hope the fog lifts soon and we both find ourselves in a place where we are a little less tired and little less irritable especially with each other. I know we will, but until then. I’ll make the most out of life and be the best that I can be.
Embracing Imperfection 
Thanks for sharing this. It’s an interesting perspective. My DH is a SAHD and this was a good reminder for me … its all too easy for me to forget that he never gets a break and is always “on call”, no vacation, no sick days. I’m not sure I completely agree with you, as I think much the same way your husband does (work full time, then home to be mom, and mom role doesn’t just go away…) but I DO agree with you that it IS different when one spouse stays home…
Well, now I’m rambling. But something for me to think over today… =)
thanks,
Cat
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Well, I’m glad I get to see you soon so I can give you a hug for real and in person! I totally understand where you’re at–we’re dealing with the same thing. I’m working half days (that start really early, so it’s more like a full day) with Brayson, and Amelie is in daycare half days, so I have both in the afternoons. Since I’m experiencing a little of both, I can assure you that no matter how stressful work is, it’s still a vacation compared to having both kids by myself! I am confident time makes things better, though. So we just all need to hang in there (and have a SPLENDID time on our little vacation together while the boys watch the kids! Your hubby won’t be there, but he’s got a few stand ins who will be working on his behalf, lol)
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I hear ya!
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Oh yes. Well said. Our days can be like the days in the movie Groundhog Day. The same thing, over and over. Parenting is amazing, for sure, but is also incredibly difficult. For many reasons, not the least of which includes the absence of energy and effort toward developing our marital relationships. Hang in there!
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We have the same issues, it’s like a broken record. So frustrating. We are so bad at getting away without the kids (we never do it), but I know on the rare occassions we do it does help. I also think work is like a vacation in a way (when I WAS working). At least there I could be alone!! Even go to the bathroom alone, which is awesome 🙂
BTW you need to leave a comment on my blog, I’m confident you will know the answer…
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I was only home 4 months and now that I’ve been back to work since January, I can say emphatically that being away even with spurts of working grueling hours is a break from full-time-in-the-home motherhood. Our son was a very easy-going infant and even so, I recall plenty of days needing clarification from my husband whether he would be home at 4:40 or 5 since some days 20 minutes made a world of difference. Its hard to make time for self and our marriage even with one child, so I expect with more children we are gonna have to get even better with scheduling “appointments” and asking for help in order to get away alone and together. We are doing well so far with the agreement that for every night he is away golfing or wherever, I get a night away, too. Thinking of you on this and thankful for your honesty — it is super helpful especially for those of us in the process of adding more children to our families. Geesh, I think I wrote enough now..
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We had almost the same discussion last week as I wanted us to go away somwhere next week when my husband is on vacation. He thinks it’s enough just being at home. No way, not for me, that’s no vacation at all! I would only have four “children” instead of three… 😉
Have a nice day!
Lille skutt from Finland
(I have 8-year-old twins and a three-year-old boy that we adopted from Thailand almost a year ago).
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I was saying the same thing to my best friend, a DINK, and she said, “So moms never have vacations, then?” and I said, well, no, unless it’s without their kids!
I explained that’s why the rest of us plan so much for those girls weekends and shop and make a big deal out of it, whereas she just goes. But in the end, she got it.
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I love this post, as it’s something that my family also struggles with and I can often feel the resentment building up in me. In addition to being an almost full-time stay-at-home mom, I am also the family’s primary breadwinner, but I only go into the office once a week (and work from home the rest of the week, while caring for the kiddos). Somehow, hubby feels that his admittedly long commute and four days in the office is more stressful and more work than what I have to do. Whatever! At least he gets four entire days all to himself!!!!!
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This is one of the most honest posts I’ve ever read about marriage apres children and the life of a stay at home mom. I work out of the home–and I think I have it WAY WAY easier than you. When I get back to work after a vacation with the children I actually kiss my desk…with tongue.
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Great, great post…by far the hardest time in our marriage was when our second child was born. Thanks for sharing your honest account of how hard things can be while everyone adjusts to change in a family!
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I totally hear you. Just got back from a “vacation” with family. My husband got in a lot of Scrabble games on the computer. I cried on my birthday at the prospect of feeding my grumpy child AGAIN. No rest for the moms (or primary caregiving dads), even if not wicked! My husband is great about helping when home, but that doesn’t seem to make me totally “off duty,” or feel like it anyway.
Found you via Habesha Child, btw. I may Twitter stalk you now too.
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Hello 🙂 So happy to read this, I am having all the same stresses, we have 4 1/2 year old twin boys, I work, take care of the house, do all the lawn mowing, take German classes (live in Germany) care for the kids, ETC but my husband has it rough cause he travels every week….*i can relate Neuromama
so How do I handle my husband and both our crankiness? HELP!
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