My children and I look nothing alike and I know that there are those of you with biological children who have children whom look as though they belong to a different family. I know I am not the first mom to be confronted with the question “is this your baby?” I know that I am part of a growing group who have to think before we answer this question. Not because we don’t know the answer–Noah and Zoë are my kids. I am their mother. That isn’t the part that gives us pause it is our attempt to read the questioners real question–“Is that your child?” or “Is that your biological child?”
These are different questions, especially for an adoptive mother. I want to get over this pause and just say “yes.” Because the question will seem weird to my kids. It is hard to answer when you know what the person really is asking isn’t the question they have posed. I struggle with this because I want to answer honestly. I think my hesitation comes from very early one being asked by a black ex-co-worker “Whose boy is that?”
“Mine”
“No really whose boy?”
“Mine.”
“Oh. Where did you adopt him from.”
I was angered, but also didn’t know how to respond to this. Noah is certainly not a bi-racial child. But to call someone’s mother/child relationship into question is really an awful thing to do. Especially infront of a child. At this time Noah was only 6 months old and it certainly hasn’t harmed him in anyway–but as the kids get older, they will be more aware of these questions and it is important that we own our role as parents.
I will for now on anwer the question that is asked.
“Are those your babies?”
“Yes. They. Are.”
And for those of you who are curious about us transracial families. The appropriate question is really not to ask any question–or if you really want to know–“Are you his mom/dad.” And accept our answers. Regardless.
Embracing Imperfection 
It’s funny, but no one ever asked me this question when we only had Amelie..I’m not sure why. In fact, people were constantly telling me how much we looked alike. Really? We both have long eyelashes, I’ll give you that, but her lovely chocolate skin is very different from my nearly translucent skin and she’s tall and thin and I am, um, not. But I took both Amelie and Brayson to the pediatrician a couple weeks ago for her 2 year well baby and the nurse started to ask me to help her on the scale, then stopped herself and said, “Oh, are you her mom?” I can get a pretty bitchy look to myself when I’m mad, and let me tell you she got that look as I just stared at her for awhile then I said, “Um, yea. Sure am!” and kept staring. She fell all over herself trying to apologize. I kept staring. I hope she felt as uncomfortable as she made me feel. I mean, come on, we live in a very small town and have been going to this same pediatrician since we came home from Ethiopia. Bryan is a drug rep and is in that office once a week–and the staff usually asks him how the kids are doing. It is quite possible Amelie is the only black child in the practice and she’s definitely the only Ethiopian one. I’m pretty sure they know who we are. It just felt like an attack. Right up there with “SEE! I TOLD you you’d get pregnant after you adopted!” which came from another nurse in that same office when we stopped by on our way home from the hospital after I had Brayson because we needed to get his Oxygen checked (our house is up really high, he needed to be on oxygen for the first month). I said, “Really?! That’s funny because we didn’t try to get pregnant until after we adopted. Funny how birth control works!”
I think I hate my pediatrician’s office.
LikeLike
Sometimes I’m not in the mood to answer nosy questions and so the sarcasm in me comes out. Like this guy at the hospital starts with, “he is so cute, he has your eyes” (hmmm mine are blue green and his are dark brown, but ok perhaps he was referring to them being large)…then he asks, “does he look a lot like your husband?” My simple answer with a smile was, “not at all”…the look on his face was priceless as I’m sure he imagined me trying to explain that in the delivery room. Needless to say, the questions stopped.
I had someone ask the stupidest question once, “are you going to tell him he’s adopted?”. Are you kidding me???…so again sarcasticly, I responded, “no, I thought we’d just tell him I had an affair with a really handsome Ethiopian man, which led to his conception”. Sometimes stupid questions just deserve answers like that.
LikeLike
Just wanted to tell you that I read your blogs everyday, I look forward to them! I think you are AMAZING!!! And I may not be a mother but I relish reading about your beautiful children. Never doubt that you are their mother. You may not look alike but you share their heart and that is the most important thing.
LikeLike
I keep getting asked if I’m the nanny! What the heck is that?
Becky
LikeLike
I was at the pool Friday with my friend who has a daughter from China. A woman asked me, “Is she yours?” and I said no, this one’s mine – pointing to Em – there were four kids between us and Em is blond like my friend’s other two. But then the woman went on, whose is she, where did you get her from etc etc etc. Like, lady, this is her mom, now go away! I found it intrusive and offensive and I’m not even the parent!
LikeLike
When we had only our daughter home, I used to get asked that question alot and at first I did hesitate because saying yes I knew that they were trying to find out if she was adopted and I wanted to answer the question honestly. After a while I stopped hesitating because the honest answer is yes, I’m her mom. Plain and simple. Isn’t that what my daughter wants to hear and know? It’s the truth. I’m her mom. If the person asked the question is she adopted then that’s a different thing.
However I haven’t been asked that question for quite some time, since our son came home. Now I get asked all the time are they siblings? People are just so darn nosy! They would never ask that same question if it were two Caucasian children sitting in my grocery cart.
You’re kids are adorable by the way. You’re very lucky!
LikeLike
If it makes you feel any better, I get asked this same question about my bio son (who looks a lot like me) all the time. I am on the younger side compared to other mothers in our socioeconomic group, I suppose, but people are always asking me “Is he yours?” Much ruder, though, is the accusatory “You’re too young to be his mother!” And it’s NOT said in a way that implies a compliment about my youthful appearance.
So don’t take it personally and think the problem wouldn’t exist if your kids shared your skin color- people are rude, they like to make assumptions, and they do it regardless of race. Society has very deeply ingrained ideas about what type of child should belong to what type of mother, and it’s hard to shake those beliefs. Just act like it’s the most obvious thing in the world that the kids are yours, and hope that one day it will be obvious to the rest of society as well 🙂
LikeLike