Yesterday we went to my cousin’s baby shower. She is the third cousin to have a baby/baby shower. The first was my cousin Marsha whose daughter is nearly 16–so it’s been a while. Then there was me in 2006 for Noah and now another cousin.
My children went and they are such a part of the family and they are loved and I have never noticed a difference in the way they are treated and received until yesterday. My cousin opened up a present from my grandmother and it was a quilt that she made–then I remembered my other cousin got a quilt too–made by my grandmother. All of the children born have been given quilts–my dad and mom got quilts when we were born, etc.
I did not get a quilt for Noah. I am sad and hurt and don’t know what to do about it. It feels silly to be so upset over this slight. But that is what it is–a slight. Something that says my family isn’t something to be celebrated in that way. I am sad.
Embracing Imperfection 
tell her. definately tell her. try to go into the conversation with the attitude that it is going to work out well.
“Granny, I just love the quilts that everyone in the family has that you hand made for them. Would you make one for Noah please?”
don’t even go over that you feel slighted or that it is important that she realizes he is a member of the family as everyone else. no. Just do a straight out ask.
talk to your dad or mom (whose mom is your grandmother?) and talk about how you feel about it. it must be make your mom and dad feel slighted as well that their grandchild has been excluded. Right?!
“Mom/Dad I know how hurt you must be that granny did not make a quilt for noah. I do too. I have asked her to make a quilt for him. We should probably include her in ongoing discussions about adoption and what makes family so she knows how important this is to us.”
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I’m sorry. That sucks. Shame on her.
If it makes you feel any better, my mom’s “go to” gift for new babies is a handmade hooded sweater. Since everyone on earth has received one over my lifetime, I *knew* I’d be getting one when Amelie came home, too. I even picked out this pretty yarn I loved and mailed it to my mom as soon as we got our referral-in January. Wanna know when I got that sweater? In November-after months of begging and her giving me every excuse under the sun. When it arrived it was about 6 sizes too big–I asked why and she said “because she’s so big”. Uh, not 7 though! Wanna know when Brayson’s arrived? 1 week after his birth. Wanna know what size? Newborn.
F-em, you know?
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Oh, that totally sucks. Do you think it’s cluelessness? Like maybe she thinks only tiny babies need a quilt?
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I’m so sorry – that is not right. Maybe you should ask for one, or talk to her about it? It depends on your relationship, of course. It’s still pretty shitty. (Sorry to say that about your Grandma – I’m hoping she didn’t do this intentionally) And, it’s not silly to feel that way – it’s completely valid. I would feel the same.
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It hurts to need to do teaching moments with adults especially over sentimental things! I hope perhaps a conversation and inquiry will bring about a discussion that is helpful and loving.
I don’t think its silly at all to be upset. The silly is on the other end of this situation.
Geesh, it hurts to even read about!
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Ow–that does hurt.
I love anon’s idea about talking directly to your grandma in that complimentary way. That you should need to is another issue entirely.
Sorry
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I would feel EXACTLY the same way — I would definitely say something.
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You absolutely have every right to be upset!!! I agree with everyone else that you should find a way to say something. Maybe it wasn’t intentional, and in that case, your kids will get their special quilts and you won’t have to walk around with it bothering you anymore. If it was intentional, then it’ll be a good educational moment for your g-ma.
It’s happened a couple times to me, too, and I know how hurtful it is. I know this isn’t on the same level cause it’s work, not family, but at my work we have a “flower fund” and all new moms get sent flowers. I got them with my sons, but I didn’t with Kebor. Then we have a monthly newsletter where they include all the new family news, and Kebor’s adoption never got included. I know the lady in charge of these things knew about our adoption…but I tried to just let it go even though it still stings when I think about it. (Guess I should have taken my own advice and said something…)
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That’s not silly! That’s important!
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Ouch. You are right to feel hurt – I sure would, if my kiddo was overlooked that way. I hope you can talk to her about it in some way.
Habesha Childs last blog post..15 months
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I wouldn’t consider this a “small” slight. I would consider your family’s dynamics before doing anything about it, but definitely don’t let it slide. It’ll just make you feel worse and maybe it was a simple oversight. Maybe…
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