before I had to deal with one of the toughest questions I imagine will come my way. We were on our way to the park yesterday and we talked about playing with the other kids and this is what my 3-year-old (not every 3 1/2 yet) asked–“Mom, will the other kids think I am different because my skin is brown?” This comes on the heels of this comment the night before–“Mom, I want to be white like you.”
Both of these comments from my son who is only 40-months-old, literally broke my heart. I just kept thinking, he is too young to deal with these issues yet. I am not ready for him to be dealing with these issues. There is nothing like feeling you are prepared and then finding out that you brought a knife to a gun fight.
We talked about being different and being the same and that there are lots of ways that we are different and lots of ways that we are the same. We talked about how he was born in Ethiopia and that the amazing people in Ethiopia all have shades of brown skin and how his sister is also brown but a lighter brown and how his skin color is a way to always feel connected to Ethiopia and the woman that gave birth to him and land that gave birth to all of us.
I asked him why he asked if he was different or if kids would think he was different? Well, his best friend who will be 3 next month is a very very white little girl and they run around together all the time-mostly in as few clothes as possible and it is easy for him to see the difference in pictures of them. I asked him how it made him feel to be different and when he sad said I asked him why. He wants to be just like his friends. So, I asked him if he was sad that Dayton didn’t have a penis? I know a weird question, but when you are dealing with such complex issues with a kid who can only really see the surface–I needed something. He laughed and said “No, she’s a girl. Girls don’t have penises.” We talked a little more about it and pointed out as many differences as we could about all of us and about how it is important to have people be different.
I think it went well, but it makes me realize how viciously I want to protect him from everything and how I can’t and most importantly how I don’t and can’t understand how he feels being a brown kid in a mostly white world.
So, Internets–give me your words of wisdom and experience. Let’s help each other out.
Embracing Imperfection 
Wow—what a conversation for him to be so young! Supergirl talks about skin color all the time, but I feel it is so different because she is the one that matches us, much easier for her to talk about. Boomer is still completely oblivious–he tells me I’m brown 🙂 Supergirl tells me she wishes she had two mommies and daddies like her brother and she has a hard time understanding that not every kid she meets with brown skin is from Ethiopia. But we have not gotten to the hard questions yet. I think you handled it awesomely.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Turning 30… =-.
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First, I think you handled it great and yeah I’m surprised too that its happened so early…nothing like being blindsided. My first thought (and let me preface this by saying I need to do a better job at this, so I by no means am saying that I don’t have A LOT of work to do here) is to really make an effort to get to know/become friends with more families with brown kids in your area (both adoptive families & AA families) and to get together with them as often as possible. This is not easy of course but especially important when we live in predominately white neighborhoods and our kids go to predominately white schools. Have you read “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla”? I need to read it again, but I remember it talking about these sorts of conversations and what is age appropriate. Keep us updated.
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P.S. Ironically, I just ordered a kids book “The Skin You Live In” a few days ago. I’ll let you know how it is. Also, another one we have & like is “Brown Like Me”, featuring a brown boy in an adoptive family.
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I read “I’m Chocolate and You’re Vanilla”–four years ago when we were in process for Noah. I need to read it again.
We certainly don’t get together with other AA folks often or as often as we should. We have a few families in the neighborhood and certainly see lots and lots of AA folks when we are out and about.
I just wasn’t ready for this yet!
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I think you did great! I would never have thought it would come up at this age. Sean has only made the connection in small ways…he pointed to a poster of an African baby and said “that’s me”. My heart aches for you but you did a super job and I think the penis analogy was a good one. I read Weaving a Family…it was good. I’m going to put the ones you’ve mentioned on my read list.
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Dawn, you did a great job with your conversation with him. I just want to hug him. I often wondered when they would ask you this question, but not this early.
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I certainly didn’t think it would be this early either.
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You did great! At this point, we have only a 2 year old so we get to follow along and learn from you!
.-= Jenni´s last blog ..Huxley Ottoman, Tantrum City & Outside Fun =-.
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My little guy told me the other day that he hates his hair because its “big and weird”….it just broke my heart. This on the heels of an AA friend gushing about what “good hair” our son has! We can’t win, Mamma. If its any consolation, my daughter burst into tears after we attended a pow-wow we were invited to last month because she wants to “actually be Native American” (her words) and she’s not. She keeps on trying to convince us that her skin actually IS brown, at least browner than my chalky pink stuff.
I think the fact that our kids do talk to us about these things is fantastic – the lines of communication are open and feelings are respected, so from there, we can continue to strive to meet everyone’s needs. Motherhood is no small job (-:
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Ha, I am very very white as are my daughters. Our neighborhood has people of just about every shade and tone. I loved the time I was chatting with one neighbor & said something about the neighbor to my left planning to have a fence put up. The neighbor I was chatting with said “That black dude?” My then 3 year old kindly explained that “Him’s not black, him’s brown.”
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