For the past week or so Noah has been crying when I leave him at the sitters.  This is totally unusual behavior for Noah.  This isn’t to say he hasn’t been clinging before and a bit of a protester when it is time for me to leave–but even at home he’s been a bit needy and when I leave for a meeting or something else, he’s clingy and it breaks my hear to see his lip quiver and have him say while trying to hold back tears “Mommy, I want you.”

It is so hard.  I don’t know what is happening?  I know the sitters is fine and he has fun.  By the time I pick him up he is happy to see me but is usually playing just fine and is totally happy.  It is so hard.  Because I want to just scoop him up and bring him to work with me and just love him.  These days go by so quick.  I need to remember to enjoy the time we have together more and I have been making a concerted effort of spending quality time with him while increasing the quantity of time we spend together as well.

I love that he needs me and wants to be with me, but it is a departure from his usually outgoing behavior.  Or am I just now recognizing it?  I hope not.  This morning was the hardest, as you could see he was trying to hold back the tears and his little lip was quivering.  I just hugged him so tight and I didn’t want to let go.  Letting go is so hard.  It’s moments like this that make me question working.  I know that I need to work, but can it be about me?  I know it is best for my family that I work and that what is best for me is often best for the family.  I am a better mom.

I think that maybe this behavior is his way of expressing his feelings of insecurity.  He is growing up–he’ll be in a new class at school in the fall–most of the kids are kids he was in class with last year and he’ll have new teachers.  He knows the teachers and is excited but it bet there is some degree of uncertainty as well.

I feel bad leaving him at the sitters and I feel bad that I feel bad because I know he has fun.  Motherhood is awesome but sometimes being the parent Sucks.