On Monday when I picked Zoë up from the babysitter’s, K (the babysitter) told me Zoë had asked all the other 3 kids “why are you white like your mom?” K told me they talked about how people are different colors and sometimes they are the same as their moms and/or dads and sometimes they aren’t. They also talked a little about adoption. I told her thanks.
When we got to the car, I asked Zoë about it. She then said, “I want to be white.” We want through this with Noah when he was about that age, but it lasted about a day and we talked about his color is a gift from his Ethiopian mom and that all Ethiopians are brown and it was a way for him to always remember his Ethiopian mom and dad. We have never shied away from talking about race/skin color and even how my skin color is different from my mom and brother who are more olive and me and my other brother are more pink like my dad. So, I figured this conversation would go about the same way.
Not with Zoë. When I asked her why? She said, “I want to be a grown up and grown ups are white.” Well shit. Then I started thinking, all of the adults that are constants in her life are white. We live in a pretty diverse city and we see African Americans nearly everywhere we go, but on an average day, all the adults she has interactions with are white. We talked about how your skin color doesn’t change as you get older and those who are born with brown skin stay brown. We then talked about how her Ethiopian mother was brown and she seemed to understand that, but still wants to be “white when I’m a grown up.”
Oh boy. I have some work to do. Advice?
Embracing Imperfection 
Astrid Meklit, who has a number of adults of color in her life, made similar assumptions. She’s worked through it (at 4 and a few months) but she now believes that every brown-skinned person is from Ethiopia (even with a brown brother who isn’t from Ethiopia). These are big ideas–it’s fascinating to watch them really pull apart complex thoughts and make them their own.
I know when we first reminded AM about all of the brown grownups she knew, we named the men first, and after listing a few, she said, “I’ll be a man when I grow up and I’m brown?” So close…
We definitely paid more attention to the books we brought home from the library, watched Little Bill more often, and made dinner plans with our Ethiopian friends when we first noticed this (not that we didn’t do those things anyway, we just put more emphasis on it than usual), etc.
I’ll be glad when we start Enkutatash planning in earnest next month. We see our Ethiopian grownup friends much more regularly then~~always a good thing!
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Beats the heck out of me. My daughter doesn’t want to be white (yet?) but does want to have long, straight, red hair, like Ariel. Damn you Disney.
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Part of why I cut my hair off is that Z really loved my hair and wanted long hair like mommies. Until her hair gets longer, I’m keeping my short.
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I just found you from GIMH, and my “advice” is to find a way to get involved in SOMETHING that gives her contact with adults and other kids who look like her.
Our kids don’t know enough to walk up and tell us what they need in statement form. Her questions have just told you what she needs is a better understanding of who SHE can grow up to be, dark skin and everything.
My kids are Latino, and a year ago, I joined a Hispanic church with them. Most weeks, I’m the only “white-white” person there, and I’ve felt very self-conscious while there. But you know who HASN’T? My boys. Our second or third week there, they were sitting around eating a snack with the other kids, swapping notes on where they were born and how they would describe their (collective) hair, eye, skin colors… and they all “matched.” And they all matched all the adults there but me and one other. And I knew I had given them something they needed, even though they were 5 and couldn’t possibly have expressed that they needed it.
So worth it. And as time has gone by, while I’m still visually a sore-thumb in the group, I’ve been accepted too, and I FEEL like I fit in, even though I know all the newcomers sidebar and get quickly brought up to speed on who the “gringa” is.
It doesn’t need to be a church or religious organization, but is there SOME group you can join/help out with, maybe? For her?
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Kim,
I totally agree. I am looking around for things I know will diversify the adults she sees. When she starts school in the fall she’ll be exposed to several adults of color regularly.
I know a church isn’t really our choice, as we aren’t religious but I am really becoming more aware of the adults. My son, when he was younger, had most of his questions about himself and other kids. So this new idea about adults is new.
Thanks again for your suggestions and sharing your experience.
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Thanks for sharing your experience.
It’s difficult to explain kids especially matters regarding race and colour. I try and tell them that people are different..small, big, black, white, blue eyed, black eyed, etc they say ok but they always come up with questions. Part of being a parent i guess.
Sam
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