Sometimes I feel as though I have been given someone else’s life–or that perhaps I stole it.  Nothing in my life is how I imagined it years and years ago when I was young and dreamy and a bit stupid about life and well, most things.

I often wonder how I go to where I am.  Where I am is really awesome and I am happy but it’s just so different than what I had imagined for my life.  In some ways I feel so lucky and in other ways I feel cheated and in still others deserving.  It is hard to explain, but I guess what it really means is that I don’t always feel comfortable in my skin or life for that matter.

I know this is making little sense but it reminds of Shakespeare’s A Comedy of Errors, which is one of my all time favorite plays of the bard.  As though I am accidentally living someone else’s  life and they are living mine and one day we will run into each other and the truth will all be exposed and I’ll have to give up everything that is so awesome.  It’s an unnerving feeling and I’d really like it to go away.

Maybe I feel this way because I’m getting older.  Maybe I feel this way because I can actually see the end of this work that I am doing towards my PhD and reality is setting in that soon, I’ll have to get a job.  Not that I don’t have a job now, but I’ll have to actually decide what I want and make decisions that will affect everyone in my life.  Maybe I don’t want to have to make those decisions.  Maybe my feelings of uneasiness are really feelings of fear.  Fear that the degree and credentials won’t change that I’m a fake in my own world.

Too deep for a Friday