I have been doing a lot of thinking that has led me to be a little harder on myself than I should be. Before our adoption process came to an end, I was on a long journey of self-improvement. Mostly physical self-improvement. I was working very hard at losing the 90+ pounds I had gained since meeting my husband. I was on a roll. I had lost nearly 60 of it and had the end in sight. The end of this month marks the one year ago mark that I started this journey and sadly I am not where I thought I would be. As the adoption process moved on and as I was moving along in my weight loss, I reached a point where I felt that I no longer needed to work at it. It was easy to lose the weight and it just kept coming off. I allowed myself to start indulging in foods that were/are clearly not good for me. I allowed more desserts, etc. I am not sure why I relented. Am I afraid that I really cannot do it, so I give up and say I tried but I just can’t do it.

Now with the little one here it has been hard for me to recommit to the gym and eating healthy. Not because there isn’t time. I have plenty of time. I have a list of excuses longer than my agencies waiting list, and I know they are all just shitty reasons for protecting myself from failure. I don’t know what I will do if I can’t do it. I don’t know how I will handle it. I don’t think I would be okay with trying and failing. But it you aren’t trying you can’t fail and yes I know you can’t be successful either and therein lies the rub. I want nothing more than to feel good about myself and I don’t. Not because I am not society’s image of beautiful but because I am not doing all I can to be the best person I can be both mentally and physically. I don’t feel good and I know it is because I am not working out. I relish the time I spend at the gym getting in shape. I love being in shape. I love seeing and feeling my muscles work and I like knowing that each time I do it I am extending my life a little bit. So why is it still so hard to force myself to get my ass off the couch in the car and too the gym?

I want to do it for me. I know that is half the battle. I guess I just need to make it okay if I fail or make it okay if it takes me a little longer to meet my goal. My original goal date was Dec 1. I am now pushing it back until April 1–our 7 month anniversary. I know it is what I want. I just have to fight the self sabotage and move on with it. Easier said then done, I know.

On to happier notes. Our first post-placement visit was extremely great and totally painless. we have a new social worker and I was nervous about that, but it was easy. She asked about Minnow and how he’s doing etc. I thought for sure she would want to see his room and check our child-proofing. But this was just about our family and how the little man was doing and how we were doing. It was great. I’m glad that I no longer need to worry about that. If only everything in life were that easy….

Well, I hate to jinx myself but Minow has slept for 5 hour stretches at night, the past 2 nights. I haven’t of course, as I am afraid that I will sleep through his crying–not likely I know, but I still worry. He is eating cereal, fruits and veggies like crazy. He seems to like just about everything. As long as he keeps sleeping I am happy. He refused to nap much yesterday. Only one nap in the afternoon. He is a stubborn little guy–so much like his mom and dad. I tried and tried to get him to nap, which usually isn’t a problem but yesterday he didn’t want any of that.

He had his first playdate yesterday with Supergirl, okay so really is was more of a playdate for me. It was so nice, as their family is currently waiting for an infant referral from Ethiopia, so it was nice to share my experience and show off Baby Minnow.

He also had his dr appointment with the urologist to discuss circumcision. The urologist recommends it as he has a really narrow foreskin that will most likely cause him problems as a young boy and even into adulthood. That was good for me to hear, as I was not really keen on the idea of having him circumcised; it isn’t a big deal to me. Hubby was set on having it done. Because of his age he will have to put under general anesthetic. Which, much to my dismay, means nothing to eat of drink after midnight the night before the procedure. The doc says he will schedule the little guy for first thing in the morning as to ease the discomfort of the little guy. I am not looking forward to that morning at all. Talk about frayed nerves.

I joined a meetup group for stay at home moms in my area. Yesterday was the first event I attended–it was a book club meeting. It was really nice. I am looking forward to having other moms to do things with. They have a monthly Mom’s night Out as well as weekly get togethers during the day for the moms and kids. This will be great in the long run.

I feel like I skipped around a lot this post. It really is a great indication of how segmented my life has become. We have our first post-placement visit today. I will post more eloquently after that. I hope…

Well it has been an eventful few days here at Casa Finley. My cousin is getting married on Saturday and I have been “lucky” enough to be chosen to do one of the readings. So we were obliged to go to the rehearsal dinner. We entertained the idea of taking Minow with us–he was invited to the wedding, by not explictly to the rehearsal dinner. My brother, who loves the little guy and who stops by every day offered to watch him. We thought it was a great idea. Well, Minow didn’t really think so. Everything was great for the first hour, but then it was time to eat. He wouldn’t eat from my brother. I had my brother feed him a few days earlier to make sure he would eat with my brother holding him. We called my brother at about 8pm to see how things were going. Well, anyone within ear shot of our cell phone knew how things were going. Minow was screaming and according to my brother had been for over 40min. He called my dad and my mom, but didn’t want to call us, as he knew there was nothing physically wrong with the baby. Well, as new parents we ate and ran at the dinner. We came home all baby needed was mom.

I feel horrible. How could I think that leaving my baby after a month was a good or even possible idea. He just seems so well adjusted. I take him to the gym with me and he does the day care there–I know it is only one hour. I feel so bad. My brother was an absolute trooper. He stuck it out. I now totally understand the importance of having a babysitter you can trust. It was a totally stressful situation and someone who is not attached to the baby could have been frustrated and done something to inadvertenly harm the baby. We have decided that babysitters are not an option for quiet sometime. He doesn’t understand what it means when mom and dad aren’t there. He only knows he is alone and that is not acceptable to him. He is totally attached to us and that is awesome.

Yesterday a guy came and had a case of steak to sell. He works for a meat place and he delivers meat to a family that lives right behind us. He had a case left, as the family who usually gets 2-3 cases only wanted 2 so he had one left. He gave me a good deal on it. I got 60 steaks (t-bone, filet, ribeye, chops(pork), strip, and burger) for only about $3 a piece. That is a pretty good deal. Seriously though steak delivered to your door. How can that be wrong. If only I could get everything delivered. Okay, I know that I can but this was great. Hubby loves steak and I don’t buy it often because it is really expensive. He likes ribeye which usually runs me nearly $7 a steak at the market. Of course, hubby is a little leary, but it is steak and he will eat it without much question.

I have been shopping a lot lately. You would think that I have a job that brings in money. That is so not the case. But I admit I have that women reasoning “It was on sale.” I had to buy something for aforementioned wedding–as I am giving a reading and have to walk infront of 200 people. I should look really cute. I bought a skirt, but then I saw this great dress–not really good for a fall wedding, but it was on sale and it was a good deal–originally $190 and I got it for $63–come on great deal. Then there were winter coats on sale–before winter. I have always wanted a faux shearling coat, but I don’t ever want to spend $300 on a coat that I will get to wear for about 2 months. Well they were on sale. I got my coat for $120 down from $295. Seriously a great deal. How could I pass that up. My hubby, who just got a huge raise(which is nice since I am no longer generating income–truth be told I am hemorraging more now that I have lots of time at home)–told me next time he got a raise he wasn’t telling me. We have been spending money like there is not tomorrow. But, we needed things.

Yeah, I know. We will always need things. Hail to the Sale…..

Today would be my last week at home, it I were returning to work. It is hard to imagine leaving my son to go back to work. I understand the whole wanting to work thing. I worked hard in my teaching career to move up-I was department chair. My teaching career was important to me, and my students ruled my life for the most part. But that all changed for me when I became a mother. I must preface the rest of this post by saying that I am not a feminist. Sure I think everyone-men and women–have the right to work in any type of job they would like, and that they should be paid equal wages. I am a proponent of choice and believe that it is everyone’s choice about what works for them. Not all women were meant to stay home with their children and not all men were meant to work as the breadwinner in a family.

I never thought I would be the stay-at-home mom. I really thought that it was “old-fashioned.” But then I became a teacher. Kids do better if they are rasied full-time by a parent–mother or father–when they are young. My hubby feels very strongly about this, as he was a latchkey kid. I was not–my mom didn’t work until we were older. Working with kids changed my view on the whole thing. I don’t want teachers and babysitters raising my kids and instilling their values in them–I want that to be done by me or my husband. I would be okay if my hubby was home and I was working–but I am a teacher and he is a computer engineer–he can support us and I can’t.

I am tired and I am crabby and sometimes I am a little stir crazy, but I feel like I was meant to be a mom and that as a mom it is my job to make sure my child has everything he needs, starting with me. I am grateful that in our world it is still possible for single income families to survive. I am grateful that we live somewhere that has a fair amount of stay-at-home moms. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to have children since my body did not cooperate. I am grateful to live in America. I am grateful to have a hubby that shares the same ideals as I do. I am grateful for my son.

Things are starting to work themselves out at home. We have finally put in the hardwood floor in our den/sunroom. We only purchased the floor 2 years ago. No one has ever accused us of being quick. But I must say it looks really awesome. I will post some pics tomorrow after our new furniture arrives. I am settling in a little to my roll as stay at home mom. THANK YOU all you moms for the words of wisdom–it helped tremendously. I have come to understand that this is the new normal. My life pre-Minow is gone. There are elements I will be able to bring with me, but for the most part, it is gone and I must make a new life. I must create a new routine, accepting that I am not the only one who has a say in what that rountine might look like. I certainly feel different today than I did last week. Acceptance really does change the lens at which you use to look at things.

My world now seems rosy and full of possiblity. I have a blank slate and am no longer a slave to the activities that controlled me before. I still have to find a balance, as I am still haunted by the 50lbs that I want to lose. I certainly am not as obssessed about it as I was, but I am ready to get back on track. I miss exercising and eating right. I need to really work on that aspect of my life. Being a parent is awesome and I must say Minow is amazing. His smiles lights up the room and makes it absolutely impossible to stay depressed or in a bad mood for very long.

The end of this week marks our one month home and I am a little worried about the whole post-placement thing. The packet we received from our agency says that post-placement reports are due at 3mos, 6mos and 12mos. But the agency website/email group says that they are due at 1mos, 3mos and 6mos. I know that we, as a family, have to submit reports at 3mos, 6mos and 12mos, but I thought that our homestudy agency is suppose to do reports at 1mos, 3mos and 6mos. I am waiting to hear back from our placing agency so that I can schedule something with my homestudy agency. I was looking through our adoption paperwork and the post-placement agreement that our homestudy agency submitted says 3mos, 6mos and 12mos. UMMMM….

We are also waiting to hear about when we can start our next adoption. We plan to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia using the same agency. As they have a bit of a waiting list for infants we want to start ASAP. We at some point would like to adopt a harder to place child, but we feel strongly about maintaining birth order–we want Minow to remain the oldest child. He is our first son and we really want him to remain the oldest. I feel like there are lots of things up in the air, but it is awesome and I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for anything. Parenthood rocks.