A Revelation of Sorts

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 7 Comments

Being an Adoptive Parent (AP) is not always easy.  I think a lot more about the types of experiences that I give my son and worry that his world is too white.  I keep telling myself that I need to find diverse places to take him so that he isn’t always the only child of color in the room.  I struggle with that, especially where I live, because our city is pretty segregated not just by skin color but also by socio-economic status (SES).  I have worried for many a day and night that I was not doing right by my son, because most of his interaction are with white kids and white adults.  But I have to admit that that is his world and I can’t change his world. 

I have had a change of heart/intellect/outlook.  A few weeks ago in my social justice class we had an amazing speaker come and share his heartbreaking story with us.  He is a gay man who lived his first 50 years of life as a straight man.  He finally couldn’t take it anymore and came out to his wife and then had to come out to his two children–I think they were like 8 and 12 or something at the time.  He talked about how hard it was for his older daughter and how it was less difficult for his younger daughter.  His younger daughter had a support group at her elementary school for children who were suffering a divorce in the family and in this group his daughter found a companion/friend whose parents were also divorcing because her father was also gay.  She had someone who was going through the exact same thing that she was. 

 His older daughter didn’t have such a support group nor did she know anyone whose parents separated because one of them came out.  It was very hard on his older daughter–she attempted suicide at 17 and struggled with it until she was a freshman in college and met a girls whose mother was gay. She found a friend who could understand how she felt and what she struggled with.  His daughters now go with him when he speaks (if they can) and they have a really strong relationship.  I cried in the car on the way home, thankful that we live in a world that is more tolerant and open and people have more opportunity to be who they are, but I also cried because I learned an immensely important lesson that will benefit my children for the rest of their lives. 

My son doesn’t need other black friends.  He needs other black friends whose parent are white.  And ideally, he needs others adopted from Ethiopia who have white parents.  He needs those who he can identify with.  He will not necessarily identify with American blacks that live with their black parents/grandparents.  Their struggles are not his (aside that he will be identified as an American black) and his struggles were certainly not be theirs.  This made things so much clearer for me and cemented my desire to stay in close contact with his Wannamates and their families and also all the families in my area who have and are adopting for Ethiopia.  It is so important that we provide our adopted children of color with others who are the “same” as them.  So, for those of you out there who worry that your community doesn’t have much diversity, don’t worry as much–find a family or two who also have adopted from Ethiopia and begin to build bonds and relationships–your children will thank you as they get older. 

It isn’t about looking the same–its about sharing an experience–having a commonality.  That is what I have to give my son and daughter.  Thank you to those of you who are part of this shared experience of our children. 

On a side note, I am going to start a new weekly posting here on Thursday.  Called Ordinary Life Thursday.  I am basing this on the book…Encyclopedia of An Ordinary Life.  It is a hilarious book about the ordinary events of everyday life.  It is a writing exercise for myself and something to help me post more often.  So what I need from you dear readers are a list of ordinary places/events/words.  I will start with the letter A.  Please leave your words in my comments and if I use yours there will be prizes….

Please Make It Stop

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

I don’t think it is possible, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.  I thought for sure we would make it through Minnow’s twos unscathed.  We were beginning to see mini-tantrums starting at about 20 months or so–but they were really mild and he was super easily distracted.  I have to say that overall we have been pretty fortunate as our little Minnow is an extremely happy child.  He laughs lots and loves to have fun.  He listened pretty well and was happy to do any suggested activity and also liked hanging out in his chair reading and watching the occasional tv show.  He slept until 7:30 on most mornings and had a general sunny disposition.  Have you noticed I started talking in the past tense? 

Something happened on the morning of March 31, 2008.  My cute little boy woke up a full inducted “terrible” two-year-old.  I didn’t even get an invite to the induction ceremony that must have happened in the dark cover of night while the old parents were passed out and dreaming of peaceful days.  Yeah–that is so totally a dream. 

Minnow woke up on his second birthday a completely changed little boy.  He has a fresh supply of endless energy that cannot ever be satisfied–except with hours playing outside–starting at 7 in the morning while everything is still covered in the thick morning dew.  Did I mention that unless Minnow is in the bath or playing in the sink–he doesn’t like to be wet.  He also doesn’t like anything on his hands–play-dough was a total bust. 

He is quick with his frustration, as I should clearly understand his strange requests spoken in that foreign language that sounds like perfect English in his own head.  He will stand at the back door and cry for what seems like an eternity until I let him go outside–where he will kindly let me push him on his swing for an hour or two.  Because, I absolutely have nothing else to do. 

He also has decided that he really doesn’t need any sleep and that daylight is not to be wasted.  He woke up this morning at 4 am ready to go outside and play.  He didn’t want to miss any sunlight.  He waited for it.  We had tried to transition him to a toddler bed–that so didn’t work and he so wasn’t ready.  Bedtime shouldn’t take 4 hours. He is back in his crib, but he now knows what freedom is to be had.  It certainly was nicer when he didn’t know freedom was an option. 

I am hoping this stage of terrible–and let me clarify it isn’t terrible for him it is terrible for the parents–ends soon.  All, I can say is Minnow is lucky that I love him beyond measure but also that he is absolutely the most beautiful/cute child and his smile melts everyone in his wake.  Including me, the disciplinarian. 

Who Deserves The Help–Corporate America or American People?

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

And the two are very very different.  In the NY Times this morning there is an article about the loss of 80,000 jobs in March.  With a recession so obviously hanging out at the end of the bar, just finishing his drink waiting to let everyone see that he certainly is indeed in our midst, everyone is trying to create more consumer confidence.  Maybe if things we bought were made in America without lead paint or magnets that are so small they fall off and our kids can die from swallowing them, we might have more consumer confidence–but this certainly isn’t what this post is about. 

It is in these situations of crisis that are polar differences are never more clearly seen.  At times like this, I am often reminded why I am a Democrat.  With more jobs being lost and the cost of goods skyrocketing–because the cost of gas is so high–and just so you know the execs at the big 5 oil companies aren’t to blame for the high prices–its the high price of crude that is to blame.  They’d like us to ignore the 100+ billion dollars in profits they made last year.  Really, I am pretty sure they don’t know how that happened.  As they try to preserve the 10 million dollars in tax breaks that they still need to ensure the stability of the industry.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I know where that 10 million could be spent to actually benefit the American people, because right now the only one benefiting is an industry that certainly isn’t passing along any of it profits to those who struggle to keep their gas stations open (the average gas station only profits one penny per gallon of gas) while lining the pockets of those who sit at the top trying to figure out how they are making so much money.  Maybe their making all that money–selling it at really high prices?  Just a guess. 

Back to what originally got me going on this topic.  There was a call from Pelosi to act immediately with an additional stimulus package to help Americans.  The Dems (Clinton and Obama) want to increase the length of time someone can collect unemployment–seems fair in this type of job market.  The GOP (McCain) will support tax breaks and less regulation for companies (i.e. oil companies and others that are lots of money already)–he believes (as does the GOP on the whole) that if companies have more money they will create more jobs.  Really?  I pretty sure they only care about profit margin and if creating more jobs weakens that margin?  They aren’t creating more jobs.  I am certainly not an economist, but I don’t understand the idea of giving tax breaks to companies and hoping they will employ more people–while at the same time Congress won’t increase minimum wages because that would hurt the same companies. It just doesn’t make sense that we can trust companies in our frenzy of Capitalistic greed to be fair.  How could we reallly expect fairness when the average CEO makes in one day what an average employee makes in one year?  But let’s give them tax breaks and less regulation. 

So, who deserves the help of the government?  The people who they swear to represent (that is us those who elect or don’t elect (in some cases) them) or the companies (read as lobbyists) who line their pockets?  I have learned a long time ago that money buys access and as we Americans have less money and companies have more and more money–the companies have the access and those with the access determine what happens.  Just think back to Cheney’s response to the idea that 2/3 of the American people thought we should pull out of Iraq “SO WHAT.”  It angers me and saddens me and scares me that as days and years pass–the American people seem to be less and less important to the government we are suppose to trust to take care of us. 

Is a revolution coming????

Is It Really A Woman’s Right…

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

to be on the LA SWAT team?  Okay feminist readers, hold on.  I know that is a loaded question.  Let me explain before you rip my bra off and burn it (I am smiling while typing that..).  The LA SWAT team has never had a woman officer.  The elite 43 man force has always been just that men.  Not because they don’t let women apply, but because no women who have applied have been able to pass the physical requirement.  What trips them up?  The Marine obstacle course. 

Because of this–the new director of LA SWAT is trying to get the physical requirement waived for women.  Yes just for women.  The wives of the SWAT officers are up in arms–as are probably the officers and all men who fail the course as well.  The wives say it is a risk that should not be taken with anyone’s life.  The media of course pitched this story to make it sound like the wives didn’t want there to be any women SWAT officers.  That, surprisingly, isn’t so. The wives don’t want the requirements to be changed.  I happen to agree with them.  There are certain jobs that require a certain amount of physical strength and ability.  This is one of them. 

I take issue with the media for skewing the real issues of this story.  It is about something beyond adding a woman to the SWAT team.  I was thinking about this issue.  The Marine obstacle course is what the women can’t seem to conquer.  Is it really unfair?  Biased towards men?  Maybe–but last time I checked there were female Marines.  So, it must not be impossible.  FBI officers have to pass the course too (at least they use to but I am pretty sure they have to now as well)–and there are female FBI agents.  The problem is that women who are physically capable–aren’t applying.  Eventually one will, but don’t compromise the lives of others because you want a woman to be on SWAT. 

I am sure women police officers who want to be SWAT are the ones calling for change–the news didn’t cover that part of the story–just the part about the wives not wanting women on SWAT.  I don’t see any media bias there, do you?  Is it really our right to have any job we want?  If so, I want to be a taste tester for Ben & Jerry.  We think and are constantly told we can do anything we want.  We can’t be discriminated against, etc.  But you can only do anything you want if you can actually do it.  I can only be a fire fighter if I can do the actual job.  Not just because I want to be one. 

I can only be a doctor if I can do the job, not just because I want to.  I get really frustrated by folks screaming foul–not because they have really been mistreated, but because they cannot do what they want–not because someone won’t let them, but because they really can’t do it.  I wanted to be a veterinarian but suck at math and chemistry.  I had to accept that I didn’t have the ability.  I could have probably worked really hard and made it through, but I didn’t want it bad enough.  I am sad that we somehow as a people feel entitled to anything we want.  We think we deserve to have a job–that it is our right to have the job we want.  It is our right to be able to apply for any job we want that we are qualified for.  If we aren’t qualified–we have to accept that.  So, SWAT wannabes–become qualified. 

I Have Never Loved The Letter F More

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 8 Comments

We were just notified that Peeper’s case has been submitted to court as part of group F.  For those of you who didn’t use my agency or for those of you who aren’t familiar with Ethiopian adoptions–cases (at least in our agency) are submitted to the Ethiopian Courts in groups.  The actual court date is usally about 4-6 weeks after the cases have been submitted.  Once your court date comes your adoption gets approved (sometimes the cases don’t pass on the first time–could be paperwork issue–our first adoption our case failed the first time) and Peepers is legally ours.  We were also asked this time if there was a specific birth date we wanted given to Peepers.  This was new to me–as with Minnow his birth date was known–this isn’t common with babies.  We know that she was about 3 1/2 months old when we received her referral–I was tempted to make her younger because she is so small–but Minnow was small too and he is doing just fine now.  We wanted to pick a date that would be in line with what the agencies guesstimate was.  We’ll see if they can get the date we choose on her birth certificate and passport.  Oh–we choose 11/11/07.  The date doesn’t have any significance–I wish there was an important date in our lives in November, so we went with a date we thought was nice. 

Well, it shouldn’t be long now.  I am guessing (as all of us adopting parents do–obsessively I must add) that our court date will be early to mid-may and that we will travel in early June.  I am hoping to have her home in time for father’s day. 

In honor of her case being filed in court.  Here is a picture of the mural in her room.  In the three center ballons–her name is spelled out.  For those of you who know it–you can then visualize how cute it is…The letters are done in patterns that match her crib bedding…it’s cute and girlie–but not too girlie as I am not a girlie girl. 

mural-blog.jpg