Hello…

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 3 Comments

Okay, I swear I haven’t been playing Guitar Hero III this entire time.  I wish…I have been writing a paper for my social justice class and it has drained my brain entirely, leaving me without much to say.  But what a difference a week makes.  Last week at this exact time we had nearly 10 inches of snow on the ground.  Right now it is 60 degrees and sunny and tomorrow it will be 70.  This weather is crazy and I can’t decide if I can get out springy clothes or keep out my winter sweaters.  It is crazy.  What is crazy is me acting like I have seasonal wardrobes.  I so don’t.  But it’s fun to pretend. 

I have taken a step towards starting a photography business.  I know it’s crazy.  But I have purchased a portable background stand–I couldn’t convince hubby to turn half of our living room/dining room into a permanent studio–and 4 muslin backdrops–white, black, blue and brown.  I like that it is portable because then I can set it up outside and use natural light instead of studio lighting…which I didn’t buy.  We’ll see how things go.  I certainly don’t have a lot of time to devote to starting a business like this, but I think the portability gives me the ability to be more flexible and to meet people in their own homes.  Lighting will be an issue in that case–but I’ll work it all out. 

I will post some test pics when I get the stuff.  Minnow will be the perfect subject and I have offered my services–free of charge with a few prints thrown in to my mom’s group.  I have a few takers there.  So, any of you in the area–you now who you are.  If you want your child to be a test subject, let me know.  I am excited and will be interested to see it take off–if it does. 

 Well, I am off to turn in my paper and to learn something. 

Really? These Road All Lead To Me.

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 9 Comments

Immitation is the greatest form of flattery.  I have been wanting to do this for a very long time.  Lara over at Life: The Ongoing Education does a post every week where she posts and humorously comments on the key phrases people have searched for and ended up on her site.  Every time I read her Google-age posts, I always want to look at my stats and see what some of the totally off the wall key phrases have landed people here at my website.  Well, I have finally done it.  Here are just some of the totally hilarious and obscure.  I don’t know how some of these led to me and how deep into the search results one had to scroll through to be brought to my site.  I apologize in advance for not being as funny as Lara is.  Enjoy. 

ewan mcgregor mongolia orphanage–Well this would certainly explain a lot. 

i am exciting— Really? You are a bit full of yourself aren’t you.  Sometimes I am and other times not so much.   

random but sharp–I know lots of grad student that this describes.  What were you looking for? 

hear and see everything the ugliest woman in the world does–Is there a camera in here that I am not aware of?  I really hope I get a percentage of those proceeds. 

i don t like socializing–Is that why you are reading my blog? 

obsession cures–Get a new one.  At least it will cure the first one. 

when can a person plead the 5th–At almost any time really.  What did you do?

mama juice and milk in ethiopia–I am sorry that I don’t even know what to say about this one.  Mama Juice sounds like a new Nelly song–maybe the sequel to “Pimp Juice” 

oldest genes–gene hackman is pretty 0ld–gene autry too (but he is dead–old but dead).

imperfect woman–Aren’t we all perfect? 

doctor poop–I think you might be able to find this on ebay or that is the most unfortunate name for a doctor ever.  Unless he’s a proctologist, then it’s brilliant. 

preteens pleasuring themselves–If you are a preteen–don’t worry you won’t go blind.  If  you are a 50-year-old man.  Get the hell off the internet. 

i havent pooped in two weeks–Maybe dr. poop could help you–see above. 

reincarnation and dream announcements–I have always wanted to sent out a notice every time I am reborn.  But I never remember who I was until it’s too late. 

help for pms bitchiness–Ben and Jerry.

mama giving head–Mama has obligations.  Don’t judge. 

stoneface game oral and stoneface sex game–Kids don’t play this game it so isn’t cool.  Parents don’t play this game it would be setting a bad examples for the kiddos. 

zoe sofoulis cannibaleye–Someone’s name?  I just don’t even know where to begin with this one. 

promiscuous preteen–I was not promiscuous until I was a full fledged teen and I will  not be blogging about that. 

minnow teathing remedy–Do minnows even have teath?  What is a teath? 

What is a strange way someone has found you? 

Hidden Differences–The 800lb Gorilla In My Mind

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 5 Comments

I often don’t publicly ruminate on my infertile status.  I am still hopeful that I will be able to get pregnant with huge amounts of medical intervention–even at my fast advancing age.  I certainly know that I am running out of time.  Julia at I Won’t Fear Love wrote a post that touched me deep down in my real feelings about being infertile and about my relations with those who are also mothers…

I am a mother and nothing changes that.  Minnow is my son and now Peepers will soon be my child (in my heart she already is but legally will come soon).  Yet, being an adoptive mother is different.  Not logistically and not when it comes to loving our children–I couldn’t love Minnow any more.  He is my world.  He is my everything.  I am pretty sure that all parents feel that way.  Minnow really is a miracle. 

But, I was not pregnant.  I don’t know what labor is like.  I don’t know what it feels like to have your child grow in your belly and kick and move.  I don’t know what it is like to push and push and push and to have my face be the first one my child sees.  I don’t know what it feels like to watch my child grow from conception to delivery and from a newborn to an infant.  I don’t know what it is like to recover from birth and how it feels to struggle with breastfeeding.  I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant.  I don’t know what it feels like to give birth. 

All of these things separate me from other mothers.  Not externally but internally and that is way more painful than anything I can imagine.  There are many conversations that I cannot participate in.  This makes me an outsider.  No one I know makes me feel this way–it is just what it is.  I often joke about not having to gain weight and go through labor and have my ankles swell and all those other physical things that come with pregnancy.  But I do it because it hurts that I don’t know those things.  It hurts that I cannot (up to this point) get pregnant and create a life.  What a gift it is to be able to create a person. 

I find myself constantly talking about undergoing IVF in the fall and I talk about it as though its a good thing. But it isn’t.  It sucks.  To be injected 2-3 times a day for 14 or so days with each shot costing anywhere between $75-$125.  Being monitored with vaginal ultrasounds checking your ovaries for growth.  Hoping you respond well but not to well to the medication.  Hoping, stressing, praying, dreaming, fearing what might or might not happen.  There is nothing fun or good about infertility and the treatments for it. 

I am genuinely able to be happy for my friends who get pregnant.  I don’t begrudge them this miracle.  It gives me hope that miracles happen, but it makes me acutely aware that I am different.  Different is not always good.