We finally got a lot of work down around the house in preparation for the arrival of our little one. We leave in less than 2 weeks–13 days to be exact but who’s counting. Anyway, I think I have sufficently addressed previously that I am not a stellar housekeeper. I don’t even think anyone who really knows me would use my name and housekeeper in the same sentence, maybe not even in the same paragraph with out some form a negation. So, my mom decided that hubby and I would not get done what needs to get done, without some help. At first I was slightly put off, as though I really thought we would get it done. Anyway, finally mom steam rolled me and called yesterday morning and announced that she was on her way over to “help”. With her came my baby brother–who is an awesome housekeeper–dressed in a paper hazmat type suit declaring “I’m ready to clean.” Okay, our house might be messy, but it certainly doesn’t warrant a hazmat suit. But it was really funny. So in four hours of solid working with the family and 2 hours of working before they even came, we got rid of every piece of trash and clutter in the house. Rearranged furntiure, organized rooms, and cleaned the backyard and garage. It was awesome. Having them here helping saved us 2 full days of work. I am still amazed. One because hubby and I are hoarders–we hate to throw things away, my mom and bro had no problems helping us part with things, even if we didn’t really want to. My mom is a force to be recokened with–there were no unsanctioned breaks being taken. You worked until yo were done with whatever task you were working on. I love my family. We are now actually ready for the baby to come home. Of course I still have packing and other things to do–like shopping.

I am happy with what we have gotten done. I still have our bedroom left to fix up a little but that really shouldn’t take long–I hope. Well, we really are one step closer to being ready to be parents. Yay!!

Passed court!!!!!!!!!!!!! Our little one is officially a Finley. AWESOME!!!!

I have only recently had bouts of insomnia. This sucks. I use to be able to sleep anywhere and now I have to force myself to sleep and sometimes I cannot even do that. I was tired tonight but hubby is snoring and no matter how many times I wake him up to roll over he ends up rolling back over and snoring right in my ear. On top of that it is hot. Our poor AC has been working its little heart out with this frickin’ heat wave we have had–to tell you the truth the house hasn’t really cooled back down since the really bad storms we had with the 100+ degree heat 2 days in a row. We live in a solid brick house so if it is allowed to get too hot, it’s like an oven and it is really hard to cool it back down and it sucks. I hate sweating at home. To top it off, I itch incessently. I got fried this past weekend on our vacation and I am a mess of dead skin cells sluffing themselves off at the pace of molasses in january. To make matters worse the skin blisters all nice after a work out induced sweat.

I am Dawn for those of you who don’t know me. I am a happily married woman who is fast approaching the 35 year marker–only 28 days away. I am not stressed about getting older and I am no longer stressed about keeping my identity secret. I am so not interesting enough to hide the actual facts of my life. I am over my paranoia, really. I am days away from leaving to pick up my son. There also seems to be a lot of Dawn’s out there in blogland so here I am world, bring it on. I know I should be sleeping, as it will be in short supply once the little on arrives home, but I cannot not shut my mind off. I am worried and thinking about everything. Money is of course at the top of the list. I don’t know why I worry about it, we have always had slight issues with money. We always find a way of spending slightly more than we make. I am assuming that this will still happen without me working and I, well we, always have a way of coming up with extra money whenever we need it. I no longer worry about being in debt, that is just the way our life is now and will be for a long time, I am more worried about the day to day expenses. I think I will settle down with that once we are home with the baby and I really see what I will spend in terms of him and his needs. I don’t know what to expect and so thinking about it really just freaks me out, so I will try not to do that. Yes, I will try.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I can’t stop them all. They are like weeds in a prize rose garden, I pluck one out of the earth and another one or two pop up somewhere else. I cannot get a hold of them and they are winning as you can tell by my ramblings and the fact that I am still awake when in reality I would like to be in bed, since I am a morning person. Regardless of what time I get to sleep tonight I will be up with sun. It is all those years of high school teaching when I had to be up at 530am. This is a habit that will come in handy when the little one arrives.

I am currently watching a Dirty Harry movie–The Dead Pool. This was acutally the first Dirty Harry movie I saw. I really liked it. I like a great mystery/suspense story. Yeah I do, I know you’d think I would be much more embracing of the whole Adoption suspense tale, but I am not. Unfortunately I do not know that this movie will help me go to sleep, I tried to find something boring to watch that might induce slumber, but to no such luck, I watched South Park and then this. My attention span has been shorter lately than ususal. I use to be able to sit infront of the TV and watch whatever was on. Somewhere along the way I have lost my tolerance for brain zapping drivel on TV. I am saddened by this, now what do I do. I could go to the gym, they are open 24 hours a day during the week, but that would mean that I have to get dressed and wake up hubby to tell him I am going. I would hate to do that, as he has to go to work tomorrow and make the money so that I can buy groceries.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, those of you who are still reading. I am at a crossroads. It is late and I can share something of myself with you all now. I long to be a writer. I have been writing since I can remember. I have written 2 novels that are packed away in a filing cabinet. They were admittedly practice. I wrote one at 16 and the other at about 24. I have started more stories than I care to think about and am in the process of outlining–loosely–the story that I have been preparing to write for years. It is the story that is closest to me and the one that I really want to be the one that gets me published. Have I tried to publish before? Well no, because I have been practicing. Practice make perfect right? I have a huge insecurity when it comes to my writing. I am a decent writer when I put my mind to it. But I worry about my ability to sustain a story over hundreds of pages. I have had this dream for a long time and I know that I am afraid of losing the dream. Scared of having it squashed and then admitting that I cannot do what I have always wanted to do. What I have always hoped to do. Then what. What do you have left if you dream must go unrealized? It is the scariest thing for me to face. I don’t know what it will mean for me if I am unable to be a writer. I have never really considered the possibility. If I don’t try then I don’t lose the dream. Yes, I know there are no rewards without risks, but I don’t know if I am willing to risk the one thing I have dreamt about since I was old enough to understand the power of books. I don’t want to write the great american novel. I don’t need fame or fortune. I would just like to be able to make a living doing it. But do I? If I did wouldn’t I be finding other ways to write for money? Maybe. I don’t know. Do I want to be a writer or a novelist?

I know the answer to this question–in my head, but not yet in my heart. I am not sure what I am willing to do to achieve my goal. I don’t know how I would get started. I have not been willing to take the risk. I have not been willing to do the entry level stuff. Do I have to pay dues or can I just become a writer? Don’t I owe it to myself to try?

Dreams are what make life worth living. But dreams are nothing if we don’t move towards achieveing them. I have held on to the dream long enough. It is time to do something or let it go. Life is too short and precious to waste on dreams that live only in the mind. I am not getting younger–I am already another day older. I cannot hide any longer behind what I hope to be. I must step into the world that I want to be part of and face the music. Oh I hope I get to stay at the party. I hope I reach the stars, no matter how short lived the trip might be.

Okay, so I am starting to pack for the baby for our trip. I am trying not to go too crazy at this point, as I really don’t know for sure that we will be bringing him home. I know for sure that we are going but we will see what happens in court tomorrow. Please let us pass court. The thought of having to wait until the courts open again at the end of september/early october frightens me and causes my chest to tighten and breathing becomes difficult–so in the interest of living, I won’t entertain that idea. Minor errors happen all the time, so hopefully the error is fixed and we are ready to go.

We are going to be in Addis for 6 days this doesn’t include our travel days. I am trying to figure out exactly what to take for the baby. I figure I will take lots of onsies and little pants to go over them. I will also take him a raincoat and sweater/jackets for the cool weather we will encounter while in Addis during the rainy season. I am trying to figure out realistically what a baby will go through in a weeks time. I know this is hard to figure out as I don’t know if he will have diarrhea or not, as that might really impact how much stuff he will go through. If only I had all the answers. Wouldn’t that be nice. A girl can dream can’t she.

I tend to over pack for myself, but I am scared to death that I will not pack enough for the little one. Yes I know that I will be able to buy most of what I need while I am in Addis, but that certainly doesn’t stop me from worrying about it. If you can help me with the whole not worrying thing, hubby will be forever grateful.

Okay, I need a new look.
I want to something different with my hair to go with my new bod. I have been slowly losing weight over the last 9 mos–55lbs and over 20 inches so far. I haven’t done anything new to celebrate the changes. I really want to do something with my hair. It is thick and all one length and I need something different, but I don’t want to go short. Any suggestions? I really need some advice. I am a horrible “woman” in the sense that I don’t wear make-up and I have never really done anything with my hair that doesn’t involve ponytails or some sort of hair clip. Please all you queen’s of style help a sister out. I have come to this realization after having lunch with a couple of dear friends, one of who is stuck in the late 80’s in terms of make up and hair. I love her to death, but I don’t know how to tell her that she really needs a new style if she ever wants to feel better about herself. Anyway, fix me up ladies…..I am open to all suggestions.

I attended my first adoption parenting class last night and there were a fee bits of wisdom/advice for me to chew on. The nurse who teaches the class is a pediatric nurse and also an adoptive parent of two. She shared something that was imparted to her at an adoption workshop that she went to years and years ago when she had adopted her children–who are now adults. On the board there was a big heart drawn on the board with a break down the middle. The workshop leader had told them that was an important image because all adopted children (regardless of age) come to their adoptive parent(s) with a broken heart. This really hit me. I have already thought about the loss that my little boy has been through and the way that might affect him, but something about the broken heart really hit me. All babies/kids lose their first love–mom–when given up for adoption. I am not sure how this will affect our family and I now understand that we might not know how it will affect our family until much later in life. As the nurse reminded us–“you never know what you are going to get with a baby.”

In the class we also talked about adoption in general and the importance of talking about adoption with the kids and the fact that they are adopted should just be a matter of fact, it is part of them just like their hair color, etc. The nurse also imparted something else that she learned. She said it is important NOT to tell the baby that the birthmother loved the child so much that they gave him/her up because of that love. The reason for not saying this is then the kids will associate love with loss and will have a fear that everyone who loves them or “claims” to love will eventually leave them because that is what they believe is best for them. She was big proponet of honesty. To honestly tell the child of the circumstances of thier adoptions. Because anything written down or in the adoption paperwork will be something that they will see someday and they will eventually find out. Don’t worry she did stress to only tell a child what they are capable of understanding at their age. Something else I hadn’t thought about was pictures of parents/relatives if possible. This is important because adopted children want to know where they came from. Unfortunately we won’t be able to do that for our son as we don’t know anything about his parents. We will travel to the village/town where we came from so we will atleast have pictures of where he is from.

I guess these were all things I thought about, but it was important to hear this from another adoptive mom. I now know that there will be issues–mild to severe. My son may have issues with being adopted and there is nothing I can do to prevent that it is all dependent on his personality, etc. It will all be okay. I feel lucky that my son is being cared for where he is. Overall I am glad that I am taking the class. There was a lot of info that was helpful, interms of feeding, sleeping, etc. There are many things that I am no longer nervous about and others that I now wonder how I will handle and deal with it. But time is moving regardless and the day is getting closer and closer.