Okay, I was a little bitchy in my last post. I have just been a little bitchy all the way around. I am so tense that my entire back is one big knotted mass of muscle–damn the weight lifting–I cannot sleep. I was awake all night thinking about the baby’s room and where things were going to go and how I am going to get things done before the we leave to pick up the baby? Is this normal new mom stuff or am I going slightly crazy? I am not opposed to going crazy, as I think there are plenty of happy crazy people…I have never been so anxious and stressed in my life. I can’t make myself relax. I have tried my yoga–which I love and I can’t focus. I don’t know if I can make it 6-7 weeks like this–hubby may very well kill me if that is the case.

Okay. I have some awesome baby stuff and I didn’t mean to sound petty before. But as I have never really had a baby and not a lot of my friends have babies so I haven’t been to a lot of baby showers, I just assumed people would buy you things that you registered for. If I knew the reality that people like to buy baby stuff I wouldn’t have bothered with registering for much. Our baby will be clean as I now have 3 bath tubs for the little guy. But I am very fortunate that Noah has so many people who are waiting impatiently for him to come home. It was a great and moving experience. I am glad that I don’t have to have another one, as it is hard to socialize with that many people. Hubby’s work is having a shower for us at his work in a couple weeks and that will be really nice as many of his friends from work couldn’t make our shower as they were out of town, etc.

Okay. I just need to talk about my puppies and how awesome they are.

Hubby’s cousin and her family stopped by yesterday to drop off a bunch of baby stuff for us that they no longer need. They have 2 little kids–ages 5 and 3 and they are a bundle of engery. Our pups were awesome they let the loud kids run all around the house and hug them and pet them and the dogs just laid there and lapped up the attention. The kids laid on the floor with the dogs and put their heads on their bellies, etc and the dogs were so well behaved and weren’t scared or anything. I have absolutely no worries about how our puppies are going to behave with the baby and as he grows up. That is one thing I don’t have to worry about anymore so how come my shoulders and back are a complete mess and I have a headache that would cripple the strongest person. UGHHHH!!!!

We had our baby shower yesterday. It was nice. I am not a traditionalist and therefore did not have the traditional women’s only shower. We had a coed BBQ shower. My mom threw it for us. She really wanted to have it. I also really only wanted one shower, as we didn’t really know when the baby would be coming, etc. This way we could have one and get it out of the way. It was fun. I am not sure why I bothered to register for much but we did get some good stuff. There were about 50 people–friends and family–and it was a really great time. I don’t know what I expected, as I have never had a baby shower before. I am now excited about getting to go shopping for all of the things that we did not get. I so hate to sound ungrateful because it is awesome to have people buy you things to welcome the baby–so I will just stop writing now and post some pics of the festivities.

I am offically unemployed. Meaning I have no job now. I make no money and I never have to leave the house again if I don’t want to. Thank goodness I want to. I don’t do well with a lot of idle time. Thankfully I am weeks behind in household chores to finish before our little one comes home from Ethiopia. I have a confession….I hate cleaning. I am going to be a stay at home mom. Hubby will expect that I clean. I hate it. I hate doing laundry, I hate dusting, cleaning the bathroom, really I just hate it. Can your hubby fire you from a job it you aren’t being paid for it? Just kidding. I can clean–even though I really am not very good at it. Um. I guess I will learn. Will I ever learn to like cleaning? I do like a clean house, I just wish there were magical house fairies that would clean it all for me. Or atleast if the dogs and the cats could figure out how to pick up their own shedding and if the cats could clean out thier own litterboxes. Any tips on that? Any one have cats and dogs that clean up after themselves? If you do you are my new “Martha.”

Thanks Fizzle

“Here’s some stuff to mebbe explore. And seriously, if I’m too opinionated,
delete my comments. Do you have issues with trust? Are you sensitive or afraid
of getting hurt? How comfortable are you in expressing yourself?”

These are huge issues for me–all of them. I have issues with trust that stem from my childhood. I won’t go into great detail as I am not sure if anyone from my family has found this. But my trust was rocked when I was younger and I don’t know that it has been completely repaired. That said-I guess I am lucky to have the hubby I have and to have been able to foster that relationship. We truly are perfect for each other as we have many of the same issues and we have great communication. I am afraid of getting hurt. I have been hurt badly in the past. I think in return I have hurt others as well. To gain power maybe. I have hurt friends and they still love me. That is a true blessing.

How do you move past the pain. I still live with consequences of one of the incidents that shattered my trust and hurt me deep into my soul. I was a lost youth. I wanted love and looked in many of the wrong places–there was a love lacking in my home between my parents that I looked to find. I ended up finding “it” with an asshole who stole it from me with force. Then the asshole talked about it with others about how “bad” I was. Well hello asshole, I said “no” and “NO” which fell on deaf ears. I still haven’t forgiven you and never will. You have scared me for life. Hubby wants to kick your ass…I want to kick you ass. How do you move forward. I have talked about it, I have written about it. Does the scar ever really go away or does it always reside under the surface? I don’t think I really need the answer to this. It has been nearly 20 years and I still see the scar.

I think I am strong–I am insecure. The experience mentioned above made me adapt and give out what I thought all men wanted so that they wouldn’t try to take it from me. I chose the wrong way to cope, but I can’t change it. Because of this I missed out on a lot of great opportunities with great guys who were perplexed by me and my dichotomy–wanting to put out and wanting to be respected…I settled for the first and lied to myself and everyone else that I was okay with this. I wasn’t then and I am still not now. My choices haunt me. How can I move forward? How to close the pandora’s box? The million dollar question.

Now the expressing myself piece. I am still finding out who I am and what is important to me. I don’t really know who I am so can’t say how I feel about expressing myself. I am complex and I have to come to terms with that. I am adaptable and can easily fit in with many different groups of people. But there are few people that I feel that I really mesh with and could build a relationship with. I really am quite picky about the company I keep, which might explain why I don’t keep much company. But I want to. I now worry more about it as I finish my last day of work. I will be a stay at home mom. Who will I meet then? Other moms? But I am also acadmeic. I am working on my MA in English and then will begin work on a PhD or my EdD. I like to have intellecutal conversations about politics, religion, philosophy, education, etc. I am passionate and opinionated and am not very tolerant of the uneducated. I live in a working class city neighborhood. How will I find and foster the relationships that I want to have? Where do I find the type of people that I want to talk to? The people who will challenge my ideals and listen to my opinions? Are they out there? I can with my grandmother who has a thirst for knowledge but she isn’t going to live forever.
Where are you? Are you out there? Do you live close by?

My previous post about coming to terms with infertility got me thinking about coming to terms about the relationships in my life. Let me just start out by saying that I am a loner. I enjoy being by myself. I don’t particularly like social situations. I don’t shy away from them, but I don’t really like small talk. I have been content so far in my life with the friends I have. But I have yet to admit that those friendships have changed. When do you admit that someone who was once your best friend doesn’t really know you anymore? That is where I am at with a woman who use to be my best friend. I don’t know what I expected. It’s not as if I have moved mountains to stay close. It is okay to admit that we have changed and we are different people. We live in different places and even when we lived only 88 miles from each other we hardly saw each other. We are both independent women. This is not a good combo for keeping a friendship together. I guess you always remain friends with those who once played a vital role in your life, but you don’t look to them for the support and companionship that they use to provide.

I feel as though I have lost something that was special. But I can’t have what it was. I must redefine what the relationship will be in the future. As we grow and our lives change we must continually redife the relationships we have. I worry about the future. Why you ask? Well I will need to make friends. I like having friends–most of the time. I have to admit though that I don’t really put forth the effort to maintain them. I wonder why? Why do I let the relationships rot? Why do I need nurture them and make the stronger? Do I not value myself enough to nurture the things that would add to my life? Is this why I let all of my house plants die?

Who has the answers? Anyone?