I feel crappy that I didn’t post a father’s day message for hubby or for my own dad who is one of the most important people in my life. Hubby has been dreaming of this day for a long time. He sees his purpose in life as being a father and inspiring his children to help change the world and make it a better place. He is so very cute in his excitment–as reserved as it might be–and even cuter in his shear nervousness–he has never held a baby. I wanted to get him something special for Father’s day. I came across this great little company that makes children’s books that are custom made– www.iseemyface.com. You send in a face shot of the person–in this case daddy and they use a characiture of his face on the man in the story. They also put in a dedication. It turned out really nice and it was fairly inexpensive. They put a little too much advertising in the book for me, but hubby was moved and thought it was really cool. So honey, I am sorry this post if late, but happy father’s day–your son is lucky to have a man like you.

To my own dad–for whom I bought a 5lb salami–you are my rock. You are the reason I am the person I am today–and yes that is a compliment (I hope). You taught me the value of a hard day’s work and that in the end family is the most important even above your own happiness. You always but me and the boys first and never let us down. To all the games you coached and the ones you never missed. You challenged my behavior when it needed to be and were not afraid to tell it to me like it was. You raised a strong, confident, indpendent daughter and she loves and thanks you for it everyday. Your grandson is lucky to have you as a second role model.

I love you both.

We picked up our nursery furniture last night–crib, changing table/dresser, and mattress. It is a weird calm feeling to have our little boy’s furniture at home. Of course it is still in boxes and I have no idea how we are going to get the nearly 200lbs dresser upstairs into the nursery–it was quite a show for us to get it in the house. It is always strange when hubby and I carry something together, especially something heavy as he is 12 inches taller than I am. I am strong an all, but at a serious height disadvantage. But we got the dresser in the house with only nearly dropping it twice. It was quite a work out and I have some bruises on my arms for my battle service. I wanted to open the furniture so badly, but I can’t until we are ready to take it upstairs. I am planning on working my butt off in the nursery this weekend. I have to finish grouting my kitchen floor–that is on today’s agenda–then I will devote my weekend to the baby’s room. I have to sand the drywall–my absolutely least favorite thing to do in the entire world–prime–my second least favorite, paint and then lay a floor. We are going to put Pergo or someother type of lamininte “wood” floor up stairs. We would do real wood but our ceilings in our second story–technically it is a 1/2 story–are only 6 1/2 feet high.

I really want to get these things done. I am driven by my desire to have as much done and ready as I can. We shall see. And I have a ton of stuff for the baby’s room that I want to put out and set up.

Another change–hubby and I talked last night about travelling to Ethiopia. We have found out that unless the baby is really sick when we bring him home, hubby is not eligible for paid time off outside of his vacation time which is 3 weeks. He finally admitted to me, that he would rather have 3 weeks off at home with the baby to bond than to spend 8-10 of his vacation days in Ethiopia. I don’t blame him. I have to look at it from his perspective. I will be getting to stay home with the baby everyday all day. He doesn’t like to fly that much as he is 6’5″–planes are not comfortable for him. He wants quality time with the baby. It will also save us a lot of money. We won’t have to board our dogs–$55 a day–nor will we have to pay someone to take care of our cats–$20 a visit 3x per week. Only one of us will have to eat.

This would freak me out but both of my brothers have expressed interest in going. So I won’t be going alone. Hubby is okay with it because we have decided that he will go next time. We plan to begin another adoption from Ethiopia soon after our 3 mos post-placement visit. He will then go and his mother can go with him. I am very at ease with our decision. I would love for both of us to go together, as it will be an experience, but I also think his time is better spent bonding with the baby at home for 3 straight weeks. It would be hard if he had to go back to work after only having one week home with the baby.

I do feel for him, because now he has to tell his mom that she won’t be going to Ethiopia. She wants to go and really wants to travel to all the sights. We have decided to not travel with the baby this time. At first I thought, how could I travel all that way and not see the sights. But now I think, how can I see all those sights when all my baby wants is to go home. We plan to take our kids to Ethiopia when they are nearing the age of 10. It will be an experience to see it all together. To experience their birthplace with them. To see it for the first time through their eyes. It will be the experience of a lifetime.

Good, because I am scared to death. Why you ask? Well because I am having a baby. I have never really been a mom–sure I have those cute little fur babies–cats and dogs–but it is really hard to screw up a dog or a cat. Some might argue that we have as the cats jump on the counters and we move to make room for the dogs on the couch and bed. Yes, I know that this is quite trivial, but I am going to raise a child. He will pick up my habits–good and bad–not that I really have any bad habits, other than taking my shoes and clothes off where ever I am in the house when I feel like it. I am the one is responsible for him and giving him the tools he needs to be successful. I am nearly 35 and I don’t necessarily know that I am qualified for the job. I am just now starting to get my act together. So I may be exaggerating a bit.

I am just now figuring this whole life thing out–as much as any one can. I am completely unknowledgable about babies. I bought a book about babies first year of food. What do you feed a baby and when? I now have a little info on that, but not nearly as much as I would like. I hate not knowing everything–as I am a know it all. I love knowledge, I love learning and I really love knowing lots of things. I want to be an expert in everything, which really leaves me being an expert in nothing.

Fear. The great motivator. Of course I don’t know what I am motivated to do, but I am motivated. If I could move the mountains and return the earth’s plates back to their orignal theoretical position and all of the land mass was somewhat attached, I would pack up my bike and petal half way around the world, just to hug my baby. I am fearful that I will miss more time with him as the court closure looms dark in the distance threatening me with a smile. I don’t know what I will do if we miss the closure. I can’t even comprehend what that will do to me and my hubby. To be so close to having our dream of being parents a reality, yet that reality is being held up by a string so thin, it is impossible to see. That cannot be good, nor can it be safe.

I don’t feel corageous. I feel paranoid and ill prepared for this–the waiting, the mothering, the eventual letting go. People do it all the time, but for some reason I don’t see myself as capable as them. What happens when he cries and I can’t soothe him. What happens when I cry and I can’t soothe myself. I feel as though the dark is enveloping me and I have had my night light taken away. I should just be happy.

Yesterday I turned off the computer–and survived which I found hard to believe–and grouted 1/3 of the floor tile. It has only been waiting for grout for just about 2 months. I am making progress. I hope to finish the grout Thursday because then I can start on the nursery this weekend. That is what I have been waiting for. I am picking up the baby furniture tonight I hope, maybe tomorrow. I need to buy the flooring and then paint. I am so excited. I am so scared–but beyond all of that and most importantly–I am Happy–neurosis does that for you.

As we age and acquire more things we begin to see the emptiness that material things bring. As hubby approaches 40–only a couple weeks away–and as we get closer to being parents we have started too look into the reasons for our sometime strong discontentment with life. One of the things that has come out of this is that if you can’t fix the problem–stress is just a fact of life, as is work, and studpid people–then you have to change the way that you think about the problem. If stress is a problem for you and you think you shouldn’t have any than you will go to extremes to relieve the stress, but if you change your thinking, to admit that stress is just a fact of life, you will learn to deal with it better and accept it, etc.

This whole thing has really been spawned by my own stress about being a single income family. It will be tough, as we have some debt. Not so much that we are weighted down, but enough that I don’t particularly like it. If only I knew then what I know now. Much of our debt is adoption related and will go away once we get our tax refund–once our adoption is finalized. I have talked about working for my mom in the evenings this winter–she has an ice skating complex. I thought that I would work, make a some extra spending money. But is it really worth it. One , I don’t particularly like working for my mom, nor do I like working at night. Nor do I like being away from hubby and by then baby will be home too. It is the curse of the middle class–make more to spend more or spend less.

Spending less seems hard. Things always come up. I need new glasses and contacts, the car neeeds new tires, we need life insurance. Some one is getting married and we need to buy a gift, I am in a wedding, need to buy a bridemaid’s dress, etc. I know that if I am really careful, we can easily live on hubby’s salary and it will only be tight for a few months. Then we get our tax money and then hubby gets a raise and a bonus in March. Freeing myself from the concern of money is liberating and it is allowing me to really appreciate what I do have. I have a family and hubby that I love and that is really all that matters. I am in control and can decide what is important and what isn’t. Going to dinner and having new shoes is not important. Loving my hubby and my baby is. Being there for my family and raising a child is.

I feel as though this is completely disjointed, but it is my reality at the moment. Cut expenses that don’t really add value and move on. That is my new motto. I am all about adding value not volume. I hope I can make it work.

I sometimes forget how it was just a short time ago in our history that blacks were continually persecuted. Last night hubby and I watched Glory Road the true story of Don Haskins–the first NCAA Division I coach to start black players. Now there had been a black player here and there before this point, but in his first game he started 3 and in the National Championship game he started 5 black players–unprecedented. His team beat powerhouse Kentucky to win the title making it the most important basketball game in college basketball history. It appears that white coaches and the general population always knew that blacks had the athletic ability for sports but it was commonly believed that they did not have the mental capacity to think and be strategic in sports–sad.

The movie is tough at times, as the black players are abused and mistreated. It shows the ugly side of our nation, that we sometimes forgets lurks in the underbelly of our current politically correct world. It shows the heart and fortitude it takes to overcome the constant beating that the spirit takes. It is inspirational and makes me glad that things have changed and are slowly changing. It makes me sad to realize that it was just a short time ago–40 years–when blacks were still being blantantly mistreated and most did not care. Our country was truly ignorant and still is in many ways.

Your dignity is one the inside. No one can take away what is one the inside if you don’t let them. Lift up your heads and hold them high.–Don Haskins (slightly misquoted probably) Glory Road.