Reading through the corporate literature leads us to be even more confused about his companies policy about paternity leave. Before we know for sure about the leave he is going to have to really talk to HR, but he is also already preparing for that not to be the case and set it up at work so that he can work from home for a several weeks. UP and DOWN how fast they come. I guess I better get use to it.

Well only because of how well hubby’s company treats thier employees. The give us a $3000 adoption benefit per adoption, but it is now looking like he is entitled to 2 months paid paternity leave for birth and/or adoption. Because he does not have a particular number of sick days, he just takes them as he needs them–this makes sense as he hardly takes them–but when you have a certain number you are more likely to take all of them. Anyone who is salaried has no real sick time and because of this I guess the company has decided that 2 months paid is good–he could take 3 but the final month would not be paid. I am so happy to find this out–he is going to double check for sure–but we don’t have to use any of his 3 weeks vacation which is really nice. I love his company. They rock. I can’t believe that I am going to be able to have hubby home for 8 weeks when we first come home. I am estatic–needless to say so is he.

This is not a post about adoption. I am suprisingly calm about that at this point and I don’t really know why or how I got there, but I hope the calmness stays. This is a post about my own self-destruction. Okay so maybe that is alittle melodramtic, but I am mad at myself. I have been trying to lose weight for nearly 8 months now. I know that I have to give myself credit for the weight that I have lost so far–53lbs until this morning. But I have lost sight of my overall goal. I have become comfortable and proud with where I am at. I have ignored all my good nutrion knowledge and been eating crappy and eating whenever and whatever I want. I am like a kid locked in a candy store and I can do whatever I want. I am 20lbs away from where I wanted to be next week. I don’t think I am going to make it. I know what I am doing, and I know that it is taking me away from my goals but I don’t stop myself. I shrug it off as though it doesn’t matter. But it does. I am loving my knew body, but I want it to keep changing. I want to feel better, I want to look better, I want to trust that I will continue to treat “my body like a temple and not like a tent”–that’s a line from a country song and I suck at remembering artists and bands, etc.

I am not sure why I am sabotaging myself. I know what I am doing and I am completely rational–well maybe not completely but I am rational enough to know that eating a candy bar, laffy taffy, nachos, a brownie are not going to help me keep moving the numbers on the scale lower. Yet as I pause and think about each of those choices I decide to put it in my mouth anyway. Oh I am frustrated with myself. I am like my teenage students who come to school everyday and do thier assignments but never turn them in and wonder why they have failed. They know and I know why the scale was laughing at me this morning. I have to accept that I am still in weight loss mode and not in maintance mode. Not that this week I have done a very good job of maintance. UGH.

I love Shakespeare. Absolutely love Shakespeare–okay I was an English major, I teach high school English and am working on my MA in English. In our lovely town we have a Shakespeare program that puts on a free play every year in May/June that is outside in our beautiful urban park that has a natural amplitheater. We try to go every year. It is great, you take lawn chairs and blankents, food, wine, beer, etc and have a little picinic with about 3000 other people. This years production was Julius Caesar and it was awesome. It was a beautiful night about 75 degrees after the sun went down. I ate too much and drank a little more than I should as well, as it is all sugar which turns to fat if you don’t burn it off. But it was nice. It was weird thinking that that would be our last Shakespeare performance with out our little one–as the festival is a family event, kids of all ages are in attendance. Caesar was also a great fit for my own self sabotage as that is a theme in the play. I hope I can get my diet and mind back under control as I don’t want to really thrust myself onto the sword anymore than I already have.

This whole “life” issue has really gotten in the way of our marriage the last couple of months. The home remodeling, hubby’s job stress, the adoption waiting, etc. So we decided that we needed a weekend getaway to reconnect and enjoy just each other. No, “are you going to finish this project or that project” or “Do you expect me to do house work while you are playing 27 holes of golf?” “Oh you want me to ….” you know how it goes. We know that our entire world is getting ready to be flipped on its head and we need one last foray into the big bad world as a couple. This will be our last vacation as just a couple–we soon will be a family of 3.

We tossed around a few different places to go. Because I am not really working anymore we really need to do this trip on a budget–so it really limited our choices. We at first considered New York–I have traveled the world and have never been to New York. And we could have done it money wise if the damn airfare wasn’t so outrageous. Ny other time of the year airfare to NYC is pretty reasonable from where we live, but no–not this time. We then considered vegas–we just love vegas. Again airfare prices sucked. So we are going to the one place we both really have wanted to go–Cedar Point. Yes, our last vacation as a couple is going to be the the Roller Coaster capital of the US. We love roller coasters and amusement parks. They also have a really great water park as well. Can you believe that my hubby was 37 before he ever rode a waterslide? He is such a big kid. I am so excited. At first, when NYC didn’t look like it was going to work out I was really bummed, but I have to tell you, I am more excited to be going to the amusement park.

I am a foodie. I love food. I love good, gourmet, infused food. I couldn’t bare the idea of going to NYC on a budget. I want to eat and eat good. I don’t want to be consumed by my penny pinching ways and arguing about what is reasonable and what isn’t. Bring on the crappy food at the amusement park. I feel like a kid again, working myself up for the first time we went to florida to go to Busch Gardens and Adventure Island–the coolest water park I have ever been into. Oh I can’t wait.

That said, I have so much work to do on the house. We aren’t going on our trip until the end of July. Hubby works in computers–he’s a senior system engineer and is in charge of the desktop configuration of all the computers at the brokerage firm he works for. And they are rolling out a new config to all the computers at the home office in July. Plus his boss will be on his honeymoon for 3 weeks of July. So we are going the first weekend he can get away from the office.

I will get to ride 16–count them 16 roller coasters. I am in heaven. Anyone of you out there reading been to Cedar Point? Tell me all about it. Give me some insider tips on what is good, etc. Vacation, vacation, I am going on vacation. Oh have I mentioned that it has been nearly 2 years since hubby and I went somewhere by ourselves? I know sad.

That is kind of what I feel like I have been sucked into. As though I am trapped and unable to have any information. Like I have been sent to my room without dinner. I knew going in that International adoption was like this. I knew info would be hard to come by. But nothing can prepare you for the realities of how hard it is and what it feels like. We received and accepted our referral 5 weeks ago. I have gotten a picture of our little one with his welcome bag–so I know that arrived, but that is all. I have no idea if he has had any more medical problems or tests. I don’t know if he is eating or sleeping well. I don’t know if he is gaining weight. I don’t know if the paperwork is being worked on. I don’t know when we will get to travel. I don’t know if we will get stuck in the court closure. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I know….What do I know? I wish there was more info available. It would ease my anxiety. Oh who am I kidding, no it wouldn’t. I would obsess just as much if I was getting weekly updates. I just hate to not be getting any info. I know there are others who have been where I am, on the receiving end of nothing, while others get info. How do we slip through the cracks? The same way anything or anyone does I guess. I don’t for a second think that my agency is purposefully forgetting to update us. It just happens. I feel bad wishing it wasn’t me. But if it wasn’t me, it would be another family. Well that isn’t good. I don’t want it to happen to someone else. That certainly isn’t nice. I just wish we could all get the same info. Oh I have become an idealist. When he hell did that happen?

Maybe this all stems from my chosen position as an outsider. I have always stayed on the periphery. I am not a group person. I don’t go out of my way to be included in activities. This has always been a choice I have made and I don’t really know why. Interesting. If I had a couch here I would lay down and analyze myself. Thank goodness I don’t. I am making myself crazy–well atleast a little more crazy than usual. I am hungry for info and am starved from it. Doesn’t everyone know that starvation diets don’t work? Come on read the literature. Ugh…I seem to be saying that a lot lately. 7171 minutes left til the end of summer school. Then I can obsess full-time. OH JOY.