Shame And Self-Preservation

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Liz’s post really spoke to me this morning.  I am heart-sick about what has happened and is happening in Japan.  But, I’ll admit freely here–I can’t watch it.  I haven’t watched the news in days.  I quickly scroll down on the front page of the NY Times.  It’s not that I don’t care and can’t be bothered–it’s that I don’t have the emotional or intellectual capacity at this point to pay attention.  I think back to 9/11 and how all encompassing it was.  Then Hurricane Katrina and then Haiti and the tsunami in Indonesia and so on.  Tragedy after tragedy.

Then I think about what is happening in Ethiopian adoptions (which I haven’t had the capacity to write about) and it’s all too overwhelming for me right now.  I am overwhelmed by my own life.  Does that make me uncaring?  No.  Does that make me selfish? No.  But I feel shame that I haven’t paid more attention.  That I haven’t given money.  That I can’t give money.  That I can’t pay attention.  I am just trying to hold my own shit together as I finish this damn PhD, raise my kids and keep my marriage healthy.  I feel for those suffering.  I wish they did not have to suffer and I can’t watch them do it.  What emotional energy I have, I need to save for those close to me who lives I do affect.

I am sorry for your tragedy Japan.  I wish I had more to give you than my sympathy.

In Which I Don’t Fix It

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Being a parent is hard.  I don’t know how those of you with more than two kids do it.  I am stretched as far as I can be stretched and I know it is never enough.  Never enough time for me, my husband, my marriage, my kids, etc.  Just never enough. It was so much easier on many levels when I stayed home and they didn’t have activities and places to be and go.  Because of this “MOM GUILT” that I carry around with me, I try to fix everything for my kids.  I know this isn’t good and I have been working hard on trying to let the kids handle things themselves.  I think it’s important that they learn to mediate and problem solve.

On Sunday, we went to the Magic House for some fun mommy and kid time.   We had a great time, but Noah really struggled a few times with how it all works.  We were in the bubble room and he was waiting in line for one thing and then he came over to see me and when he went back he tried to go to the front of the line and I had to explain to him that isn’t how it works that if you get out of line you have to wait all over again.  Now, could I have made a case to the other family?  Sure, but it’s important for my kids to understand the basic social rules.  Is that weird?

We were in the little kid area–that is for kids 6 and under–I won’t even get started on how many kids were in there running around crazy who were way older than 6.  Noah and Zoë ended up at the sand table and it has lots of shovels and those weird things where you pour the sand in the top and it falls through to spin a wheel, etc.  In the middle there is a funnel that hangs and you can pour sand in to make a design or to pour into one of the weird things (previously described).  There was one boy at the table who was probably 7 or 8 and he was totally hogging the funnel.  Noah kept waiting and waiting and finally Noah asked if he could have a turn and I’ll be damned if that boy look at him with an evil eye and kept his death grip on it.  Noah looked at me and I said loud enough for the mean boy to hear (I know that’s not nice) and hopefully his parents “everyone has to share.”

I told Noah to wait and let him have one more turn then he could have a turn.  So Mean Boy had one more turn and Noah went to take it and the boy yanked it from Noah’s reach.  he looked at me and I said “You have to share.”  Well that didn’t work really, but he bent down to get some sand and his hand came off and Noah snatched it to use.  Noah took his turn and then Mean Boy grabbed it back from Noah.  Noah waits patiently and after Mean Boy has another turn, Noah goes to take it for his turn.  Noah has this turn taking think down and understands that it is wrong not to share (Score for me! or maybe his school experiences).  Mean Boy does not share and will not let go.  I tell him again that he has to share that the toys here are for everyone.  I am trying really hard at this point to not just go up to the boy and grab the thing away from him (Oh how badly I wanted to).  Noah keeps telling him you have to share.  Poor sweet little boy just doesn’t understand that other people don’t follow the rules.

At this point I am telling Noah in as loud of a normal voice as possible, “I know, he just isn’t nice.  Some kids aren’t nice and don’t share.”  I am really hoping his parent is there and will step in and parent their child.  Noah is in tears because he just wants his turn.  My heart is breaking.  Another mother steps in and tells Mean Boy that he has to share and he doesn’t listen to her either.  Finally there is enough commotion and the mother (who is sitting right there across from me) stops her conversation with her mother and tells her boy in a language that isn’t English something) and he shares and says to me in English sorry.

I can only assume her son speaks English, because she does.  It was a tough situation and so hard.  It’s especially hard when you are trying to parent someone else’s child.  This was a good 20 minute ordeal before the mother finally paid attention.  I hate to be critical of parents because parenting is hard, but I know I work hard in public places to make sure my kids are playing nice and sharing and doing what is expected of them.  I don’t hover, but I make sure I’m aware and it sucks when others don’t.

Like A Train Wreck

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / Leave a comment

I went on TV yesterday.  Well, actually I taped a segment that will air on TV this weekend about charter schools and why we still have them.  I’m nervous.  I was nervous going in but the interviewer really made me comfortable–I’m not sure this is a good thing, because I think I talked more openly than I might have otherwise–but I don’t know, because I barely remember any of it to be honest.  There are a lot of lights in a TV studio and monitors and cameras and prompters.  It’s all quite overwhelming if you’ve never done it before.  I am already thinking of things I would have like to have said and maybe things I would have liked to have not said, but I was honest and tactful.  So I guess that’s a plus.  It’s a thin line that I have to walk as I work at a university with a communications department that works hard to make sure that our reputation is good and that we stay out of the news.

First thing this morning I had to email the communications people to give them a run down and I think I gave them the most accurate rundown that I could–given that I don’t remember everything we talked about or exactly what I said.  But what is even more scary is that my segment was about 8 minutes.  I know that doesn’t seem long–but given that most TV segments aren’t that long–it’s long and it was all me.  I mean the interviewer asked questions and but it was me doing most of the talking.  It was very conversational and I think I talked slowly and clearly–I did stumble over a work and I hope it doesn’t make me look like an idiot.

I don’t want to watch it.  I don’t.  One, being on camera under all those lights will make you never want to eat food again.  Also, I am terrified that I am going to look like an idiot.  I know that i am knowledgeable in my field and in many ways am somewhat of an expert in the field of education as I am getting ready to finish my PhD.  But there is still part of me that is that poor kid who failed math and didn’t feel smart enough to go to college right out of high school.  Those insecurities, that are quieter these days, still creep up at moments and I wonder when the world will find out that I am not PhD material.  I know it’s ridiculous but it happens and it freaks me out a bit.

For those of you not in STL who want to see the segment–I MIGHT link to in on Monday–depending on how it goes/looks.  Holy Shit.  People will be able to watch my segment online–when ever they want for years and years to come.  Yeah, it might be a total train wreck.

I Mean It–No More Booty Calls

/ Dawn Kasal-Finley / 1 Comment

Got your attention did I?  We have all been in a relationship that went on too long–even though it was over and so not good for you.  But it was easy.  So much easier than working at a real relationship.  Well I am in one of those relationships right now.  With Sugar and junk food.  I beckon when it calls–regardless of the time of day or what I am doing.  And I keep saying, “I am never going to see you again.”  Well then it calls and I show up.  Well, it just has to stop.  I feel like crap and look a bit like it too.  Just like with that bad relationship (if you can even call it a relationship), I have to respect myself and tell the sugar and junk to lose my number and stop calling me.

Then you see each other at a party and it makes perfect sense to “hook-up.” It’s just this one last time.  Well, that one last time lasts for years and then where are you?  Right where I am actually.  So sugar and junk, I am breaking up with you for good.  Maybe we’ll see each other around at a party or out, but you aren’t coming with me and I won’t be paying you any attention.   You don’t deserve it.   What have you ever done for me other than make my ass bigger and my clothes tighter?

What do you need to say good-bye too?