At my age, 40, I should be comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not.  I can change that.  I am working to change that.

I have PCOS.  I cannot change that.  I can learn to manage it.

I cannot do it alone.

I have tried and I have failed.

I can’t change why I am not comfortable.  I can’t change growing up and never feeling good enough.  I can’t change that I haven’t been supported by the one person who should always been in my corner…No. Matter. What.

Toxic relationships can wreak havoc.  I have to separate myself from those relationships–as much as it kills me to.  As much as I wish it could be another way.  Family should support each other and love each other.  Not criticize at every turn.

I have sought out a health coach to work with me on this journey to conquer my PCOS and other obstacles in my way to being healthy.  Part of my not being successful is based in a foolish rebellion.  Once I hit puberty, there was a almost singular focus on my weight by many important people close to me.  I resented it for several reasons…reasons I can’t talk about here, yet.  Every time I eat something not good for me, it’s like turning my nose up at those voices that haunted me as a child, teen and even an adult.

But, it’s time for me to grow up.  Say screw you to those voices and find peace and comfort in my own skin and life.  I can’t eliminate the voices, as they are a part of my life, but I can ignore them.

Working with my health coach is going to be great.  PCOS is a bitch of a syndrome and controls your life in many ways.  I know it make it sound dramatic–it isn’t cancer or lupus or something that could kill me, but it is something that hinders my ability to live the life I was meant to live and feel the happiness that I deserve.  It will require a lot of changes in my life–the way I eat, the way I spend my time, the choices I make.  I know that I will find support from those who truly want me to be happy and understand what it means to be supportive.  I also know that I will get ridicule and judgement from those who don’t know what it means to be supportive.

This battle for PCOS is one that only someone else with PCOS can understand.  It’s like being an alcoholic–only another recovering alcoholic can understand what it feels like.  Talking to my health coach this past week, opened up a damn of emotions that I didn’t have the confidence to unleash, because it is so much more complicated that others see.  I am tired of people just saying eat less and you’ll be healthy or lose the weight you want.  For me it’s not about being skinny.  For me it’s about being healthy.  For me it’s about being me.  For me it’s about being happy.  For me it’s about being the best wife and mother I can.  My husband and kids deserve me at my best.

My husband couldn’t be more supportive and I couldn’t do what I have done these past 16 years if it wasn’t for him.  He has encouraged me and supported me every step of the way and sacrificed what he wanted so that I could do what I needed/wanted.  He encouraged me through my Bachelor’s degree.  He supported me through my master’s degree and through my PhD.  He is amazing and it kills me that people in my family can’t see that.  Don’t see that.  He is an amazing father and it makes me angry that there are people close to me who refuse to see that.  They only see what they want to see.

This journey starts now and the choices will be hard and I won’t be perfect.  But I am not making excuses for myself or for those close to me anymore.  I am not going to apologize for doing what is best for me and my family.